


At my lowest

by Thunderstruck (Blueyed_Impala)



Category: Mo Dao Zu Shi, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon)
Genre: Acquaintances to Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And he doesn't know what to do with them and is bad at them, Brotherly Bonding, Dedicated to wangxian+fan, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Flirting noise, Fluff, Getting Together, HE HAS FEELINGS AND YOU WILL R E A D T H E M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I get kinda descriptive as to what he's feeling during it so just beware, I get kinda descriptive with the battle scene so if you dont like that be warned!, It's not a major theme in the story but it happens in chapter 7, Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín Has Feelings, Let Lan Xichen be angry 2021, Light Angst, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén Needs a Hug, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén in Seclusion, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén is equally useless, M/M, Mild Language, Misunderstandings, No beta we die like wwx, Overuse of italics, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, So does Jiāng Chéng, Teasing, Their brothers giving good advice for once, They be like, They both deserve better okay, This is our get along shirt but the shirt is the presence of another person, Yunmeng Bros, communication for once, ive never written angst before this is scary, not like first second third person but from which characters perspective, yunmeng bros reconciliation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 69,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24286225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueyed_Impala/pseuds/Thunderstruck
Summary: It started with official Sect businessAnd then it turned into more.Wherein Jiang Cheng finds that Lan Xichen is not doing well in seclusion while on a trip to the Cloud Recesses to discuss some developments and the carelessness of the Gusu Lan's elders and his own protective streak has the Jiang Set Leader monitoring Lan Xichen's condition himself. But as time goes on and the two get closer they realize their feelings are not as cut and dry as they may seem.
Relationships: Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín/Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén, background Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn - Relationship
Comments: 273
Kudos: 579





	1. Strictly Business

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading my story! 
> 
> I started writing this on a whim after years of not so I'm sorry if it's kinda meh. I just really love MDZS and this dynamic and this fic idea came to me in the middle of the night and kept me up all night so here we are. This fic is heavily book based and it's from there that most of my terms and information will be coming from but feel free to let me know if I mess up or miss anything!. This will be a slow burn but I'm really hyped and quarantine is kicking my ass but I have lots of free time so I will do my best to upload regularly! Enjoy!

It started with official Sect business.

Jiang Cheng was known for his tenaciousness and diligence when it came to anything regarding his duties as Sect Leader, and fewer holes in his ship made it harder to sink, via harsh words or harsher actions. But seeing as how he was so young when his unfortunate circumstances forced him to take up his parents' mantle, not to mention the ever arrogant presence of Jin Guangshan in those years, snide remarks were incredibly common, almost expected. From early on in his ascendancy it seemed few had much faith in his ability, himself included, and the defection of Wei Wuxian just seemed to prove to everyone that he was truly incapable.

But the negative remarks and sideways glances never deterred him. His mother was ruthless with him from a young age, berating his actions and punishing the smallest mistakes and though painful it had indeed served him well through those times. He would raise his head high in the mockery of others and curl his lip to any query of his merit, if anything it determined him further; to rebuild Lotus Pier, fill the training grounds with disciples, and take his rightful place as the head of the Jiang Sect.

And so he had. He’d done it, just like he told his parents he would.

And he’d done it alone.

...But not as alone as he’d originally thought.

He shook himself, trying to be rid of this train of thought. It never led anywhere good, and the last thing he needed was to work himself up in front of the Gusu Lan.

He landed gracefully in front of the warded gate of the Cloud Recesses, stepping off and sheathing Sandu before turning to direct his narrowed gaze on the two disciples guarding the entrance. They looked vaguely familiar and he allowed his gaze to sweep over the two of them trying to discern from where he knew their faces. The one on the left straightened stiffly under the scrutiny, his face was more expressive than Lan’s tended to be, and it betrayed his nerves. The other offered him a polite smile as he got closer and bowed respectfully while his companion scrambled to follow.

“Sect Leader Jiang, we were not expecting you. To what do we owe this visit?”

Ah, that’s where he knew the boys from. They were Jin Ling’s friends, the ones that seemed to tread on the heels of their Hanguang-Jun and were almost always by his side on his expeditions.

“Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi,” He said, inclining his head and noting their surprise that he not only addressed them by name but remembered their names at all. “I’m here to address a certain matter with ZeWu-jun, is he available?”

The two juniors shared a look and remained silent for a moment causing Jiang Cheng to cross his arms and wait a bit impatiently for the resolution of whatever psychic conversation the two teenagers were having.

Lan Sizhui broke the silence, bowing once more, “Sect Leader Jiang, Sect Leader Lan has been taking care of his duties through letters alone while in his seclusion.”

“I am aware.” Jiang Cheng bit back, perhaps a bit sharper than was necessary. Word of the death of Meng Yao at the hand of his sworn brother and his resulting seclusion had reached the far edges of the cultivation world, but that had been months ago so of course, he’d been receiving letters with the careful script and seal of Lan Xichen. It was precisely why he took the trip to come here in the first place.

Lan Sizhui only nodded from where his head remained lowered, his voice carefully neutral, “Of course, but what I mean by this is as far as I am aware there was a bundle of letters delivered to Lotus Pier regarding Sect matters as early as yesterday morning. Therefore, I feel it necessary to ask what it is that Sect Leader Jiang must speak to Sect leader Lan about, as whatever information you might require may be in those scrolls you were to receive.”

Jiang Cheng repressed the urge to roll his eyes and reached into his sleeve to pull out one of the aforementioned scrolls, holding it aloft. “It’s strictly the information in those scrolls that I would like to discuss. I had considered writing a letter to ZeWu-jun regarding the trade development between Meishan and Gusu and the request for my approval as Yunmeng is directly between the Sects and they’d need safe passage through my territory. However, I find myself in need of ZeWu-jun’s advice on the matter as well as more information regarding the goods being sent, how often to expect trips, and the size of the convoys. I thought rather than delaying the decision by the relay of letters that it would be better to simply come and discuss it with him myself.”

The disciples shared another long look and Jiang Cheng could already tell that whatever they were communicating was most likely how best to reject his request without inciting his wrath. So he really did roll his eyes when Jingyi responded saying,

“Our deepest apologies Sect Leader Jiang but although the issue would be quicker to take care of with ZeWu-jun in person, he is not taking any guests as dictated by the clan elders, and not only that but he himself rejects all attempts at physical audiences.”

Jiang Cheng scoffed in response, crossed his arms over his chest once more, and leveled the teen with a stare that he immediately withered under.

“Excuse my forwardness but I _am_ a Sect Leader, making the trip here myself in spite of my own duties would feel sorely like wasted time if nothing is accomplished.” Zidian sparked sympathetically around his knuckles. “And I hate wasting my time.”

The juniors, now looking properly chastised and a bit more alarmed, stumbled over one last-ditch effort to dissuade him before his tolerance officially ran dry.

He ignored their rambled protests as he walked further forward, knowing full well that neither of them would attempt to stop his ascent up the steps. He smirked internally when he heard them rush to lower the wards blocking the entrance and he waited a bit impatiently for them to reinstate their protections. From there he inclined his head to the two of them, expecting to be led to wherever Lan Xichen had locked himself up. And with a final, disquieted look to one another, the juniors started to lead him up the path to the Cloud Recesses.

The Cloud Recesses hadn’t changed from when he had traipsed the halls as a carefree boy, but at the same time, everything was different, newer. Like a rehabilitated sword, newly and loving reforged to cleanse its imperfections but still achingly familiar.

He’d visited since it was rebuilt of course, almost always strictly for business, but he never allowed himself the leisure to take in the scenery as he was always in a hurry needing to get from point A to point B. However, being led by these two disciples, who seemed intent on taking their time putting off the inevitable as long as possible, Jiang Cheng for the first time in years lowered the walls of his guard and greedily absorbed his surroundings; wishing pitifully for a placid time long since gone.

The air was the same, the crisp cold breeze embraced him as an old friend and played wistfully with the folds and sheets of his robes as he walked along the stone path. It was said that in the fires much of the surrounding forest was burned as well to hinder escape attempts, but he noted approvingly the foliage around them was lush and green. Undoubtedly aided by the spiritual energy of the Gusu Lan members. Jiang Cheng vaguely wondered if any of the woodland paths he’d discovered when particularly antsy and in need of a walk had survived the brush fires. He then heard the drawling voice of Lan Qiren drift from a nearby building and he turned to look at the familiar but distant classroom he and his fellows had spent the majority of their time in during their stay at the Cloud Recesses. He felt something twist in his gut, that he refused to dwell on, as Lan Qiren asked a student what the difference was between all the different kinds of resentful spirits. Much had changed, but more still remained the same. He was no longer sure if that was a good thing.

They continued to walk in a terse silence and Jiang Cheng found himself the source of much attention from the disciples not yet skilled enough to go out on nighthunts, and therefore had never seen the feared Sandu Shengshou in person. Not that he would be easy to miss, the purples and navys of his Sect startlingly bright and colorful in the stark whites and baby blues of the Gusu Lan. He glared at any blatant gawking anyway, his face downturned in a more fierce scowl than usual. In fact, he’d been so distracted that he almost didn’t register where they had ended up until he nearly crushed a bundle blue gentian flowers underfoot.

The Jingshi stood proudly in the mid-morning light, looking the same as it always had in the glimpses Jiang Cheng’s had over time. It was one of the few buildings that had avoided the fury of the Wen Clan, most likely from its sheltered location.

The two teenagers stopped a bit further up the path, noticing his pause. Jiang Cheng merely glowered, following them further up the walkway.

The silence was almost unbearably stifling with questions left unspoken and unanswered, the curiosity of both parties rolling off them in waves. Jiang Cheng broke the silence first,

“How do Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji fair lately?”

The boys both whipped to him, all polite pretense gone as they looked at him wide-eyed with expressions of fear, curiosity, and hope. “We’d hoped you would know,” Jingyi said, a bit louder than is permitted by their Sect. “They’ve not returned to the Cloud Recesses, no one is quite sure where they are.”

Jiang Cheng felt like he’d been struck across his cheek. His cautious worry turned into fiery outrage. “How is that possible?!” He roared.

Jingyi, seemingly unimpressed by his fury, merely shrugged. “They never returned after Guanyin Temple. We sometimes receive letters with Hanguang-jun’s seal but there’s been no hint at their location and any sightings are fleeting at best. The scouts sent to areas where they’ve been spotted have returned with the news that they’d scarcely missed them. However, Lan Qiren has stated that when they feel prepared they intend to return. We were unsure if they’d visited Lotus Pier or had been spotted in Yunmeng.”

Jiang Cheng knew his brother was irresponsible and unreasonable but how he’d somehow managed to get Hanguang-jun to abandon propriety and duty to elope together was beyond him. He could feel his frustration and disbelief mounting but he wrangled it into submission, guiltily thinking that these two kids didn’t deserve the brunt of his baggage regarding their, _Senior Wei_.

He scoffed tempering his anger into a low simmer. “Whatever. It’s probably for the best that they’re not here to disturb the peace and subject everyone to... whatever it is they’re doing.” He waved a dismissive hand shooing the disciples back up the path. “Let’s continue, I don’t know the way myself after all.”

And so they continued and if the juniors looked a little more flushed than they were previously he didn't mention it.

It seemed, however, that the journey was essentially over at the Jingshi. Just a little further up the path, they turned onto a paved entrance, a bit deeper into the forest surrounding the jingshi. It was close enough to the other building that it was a surprise he’d never seen it before, but the dense foliage and clustered trunks gave it a much more private locale.

The building itself resembled the typical house of the Cloud Recesses, nothing too lavish or extravagant, yet one wouldn’t imagine a prison to be. It had two floors but the juniors had informed him that Lan Xichen would undoubtedly be on the first floor. The surrounding area was lightly fenced and there was a table with benches at the right back corner, next to what looked like a flower garden. It was tranquil, separate from the day to day lives of the rest of the Sect, the rest of the world even. Jiang Cheng felt somewhat serene and a bit homesick at once. He wasn’t sure what to do with either emotion so he merely allowed them to settle.

They were approaching the front door when movement caught Jiang Cheng's attention.

He noticed another disciple rising from a crouch on the front stoop, it didn’t seem like he’d come from inside and his purpose was more clear when he turned to where they’d entered the garden brandishing a tray of food. His eyes widened as he took in the trio before hastily and clumsily lowering himself in a bow of greeting. “Ah, Lan Sizhui, Lan Jinyi, Sect Leader Jiang, what can I do for you?”

The two juniors glanced at each other and then slightly over their shoulders to where Jiang Cheng stood impassively. “Sect Leader Jiang intends to request an audience with ZeWu-jun.” Lan Jingyi said after a moment.

The younger disciples eyes widened once more as he looked at his senior disciples who studiously avoided his gaze until he finally chanced a glance at Jiang Cheng. “I-I’m sorry Sect Leader Jiang but ZeWu-jun isn’t currently-”

Jiang Cheng flapped his hand indifferently, cutting the boy off with a click of his tongue. “Yes, yes, so it has been explained to me. But I’ve come all the way here already so I may as well go ahead with my business, I’ll discuss it through the door if I must.” He snipped, feeling himself wear thin at having to repeat himself so often in one day. He felt lucky that at least his disciples knew how to read the room without asking inane questions regularly. “Hand me the tray, I’ll deliver it to Sect Leader Lan.”

The younger junior gave him a confused look. “But this tray is being removed. I was just about to head back to the kitchens.”

Jiang Cheng looked between the tray and the disciple incredulously for a moment. When it seemed the junior was entirely serious he said, “All these plates are still full, it looks practically untouched. Are you meaning to tell me Lan Xichen is refusing to eat?”

All three of the juniors looked down, restrained worry and emotion wetting their eyes before their discipline instilled in them from early childhood rose to the service and they shuttered themselves once more. Jiang Cheng couldn’t help the bile that rose in the back of his throat watching these _kids_ have to stifle their own worry and grief in front of their elder.

Lan Sizhui recovered first and bowed, but whether he was apologizing or asking for help Jiang Cheng couldn’t discern. “ZeWu-jun, hasn't been eating regularly. Some days are better than others, but more often than not this is the result of his meals.”

White-hot rage exploded behind Jiang Cheng’s eyelids at the anticipated answer but to hear it confirmed sent sparks erupting from Zidian, nearly unfurling in his grip before he managed to reel himself back in. When he opened his eyes Jingyi and the younger disciple looked openly terrified while Sizhui seemed to know that he meant them no harm.

“For how long?” He snarled.

“It has been this way since the beginning of his seclusion, however, this past month has been the worst of it. More and more meals are ending in this manner.”

“And what, exactly, has your Sect been doing about it?”

When he received no answer Jiang Cheng sniffed with disdain. “Typical.” He sneered.

Jingyi seemed to puff up for a moment, his cheeks going pink with unspat words. Jiang Cheng briefly wondered what a boy with such a temperament was doing in the Gusu Lan.

However, Suzhui, ever the peacemaker, spoke once more. “There are rules in this matter. We are unable to break them.”

And despite his words, when he bowed this time Jiang Cheng knew exactly what it was for.

It didn’t make the situation as a whole any better, however. Jiang Cheng was _seething._ He was sure if he ground his teeth together any more they would shatter. The whole situation was completely moronic. For a Sect that prides itself on protecting the weak and upholding justice, they certainly seemed to indulge in turning a blind eye to the plight of their own members. ZeWu-juns' _life_ was at stake, and yet they continued to let him suffer in silence for a few lousy regulations written into a stone slab.

“Fuck your rules!” He snapped, much to the shock of all three juniors. And without further delay, he grabbed the tray from the younger disciples limp fingers and stormed up the path. It happened so quickly that the kids were left watching, mouths agape, as the Sandu Shengshou barged into the hanshi like a hurricane, barely resisting the urge to slam the door behind him.

It was a moment before the red receded from his eyes and Jiang Cheng could actually see clearly.

He was hopelessly, incorrigibly out of his depth.

He’d been so outraged that he’d let his anger take over his rational judgment and he came barging into the private study of _Lan Xichen_ while he was in _seclusion_. With all his bravado he really hadn’t intended to be so brazen, if he’d been rejected an audience he would’ve accepted it with ease, he just didn’t want to leave the Cloud Recesses without even _asking_. But here he was, and especially after what the juniors had told him and how loud he was upon entering there was no way he was tucking his tail between his legs just to save some face. So he steeled himself and walked further into the hallway, glancing around for any light or hint of movement, but the only illumination came from the sunlight streaming through the drawn curtains.

It seemed, however, he didn’t need to look for long.

Lan Xichen was sitting cross-legged at the low table in the adjacent room to the right of the entryway. His face was pale and sickly, his cheeks were hallowed and his skin seemed too lax on his face. His hair was straggly but clean, it tumbled unbound around his shoulders, snagging on itself and in need of the loving touch of a comb. He only wore a simple white inner robe and to see something so closely worn to the body hanging so loosely from his shoulders reignited the fire in Jiang Cheng. Something fierce, protective and enraged drove his heart to try and break free from the confines of his ribcage and his blood to roar in his ears.

He stomped into the room without preamble and slammed the tray loudly on the table in front of Lan Xichen before dropping unceremoniously in a heap across from him, glaring a hole into the space between his brows.

They sat like that for some time, Lan Xichen not acknowledging his presence and Jiang Cheng refusing to announce himself.

When it was clear that his guest had no intentions to go anywhere Lan Xichen finally opened his eyes and they widened imperceptibly when he finally took in who exactly it was that sat across from him. “Sect Leader Jiang '' He rasped, his voice scratchy and painfully weak. “I was not aware we had an appointment.”

Jiang Cheng resisted the urge to roll his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. “We didn’t, and you are fully aware of that.”

Lan Xichen nodded giving him a facsimile of his typical placating smile and it felt like an insult. “Then I must say, I’m not sure what you’re doing here.”

Jiang Cheng scowled. “I’m here to make sure you eat something and then we have matters to discuss.” He hissed through clenched teeth.

Lan Xichen lets out a sigh that’s so out of character that Jiang Cheng finds himself taken aback for a moment. It was so incredibly, _human_. 

“That won’t be necessary. As I’m sure you’re aware I am not taking guests at this time and any concerns you have regarding Sect matters are being handled strictly through letter, now if there is nothing else I request you take your leave.”

Jiang Cheng does roll his eyes this time and responds by pushing the tray closer to Lan Xichen. “Your rules do not apply to me. You may not personally want guests but your Sects laws regarding visitors do not and cannot stop me. As for you, forgive me Sect Leader Lan but you don’t look to be in the condition to be _able_ to stop me even if you wanted to.”

Lan Xichen looked at him for a long moment, his face unreadable, and then, to Jiang Cheng's surprise, he laughs. It's a grisly and broken thing, his voice breaking at certain intervals. Jiang Cheng can hear the pain and self-depreciation in it as clear as he can read it on Lan Xichen’s body, and the feeling is all too familiar. But when he finally calms himself and looks up, the smile he offers is small, tentative, but more genuine than the one he wore before.

“I suppose you’re right.” He says.

Jiang Cheng snorts and crosses his arms. “Of course I am. Now, if you want me to leave then eat, the sooner you eat the sooner we can discuss what I am here for, and the sooner I’ll be out of your hair.”

There was a pause as Lan Xichen stares at him solemnly as if he is weighing his options. But the growling of his stomach betrays him and he slowly picks up the spoon on the tray and starts carefully eating the soup that has long since gone cold.

He finishes the bowl with relative ease but appears to struggle with the breads and more solid food, most likely difficult to swallow and stomach in his weakened state.

Jiang Cheng makes a silent note to himself to alert the kitchens that soups and softer foods would be better for ZeWu-jun for the next few weeks. 


	2. Not your place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tour guide voice* And if you look to your tags you'll see the hurt in the hurt/comfort coming to our immediate left with the comfort to be following next chapter. Starring: Jiang Cheng's crippling self-hatred and Lan Xichen really needing a hug (but it works out I promise I promise it does we just love to suffer. It wouldn't be mdzs if it wasn't)

It was dark by the time Jiang Cheng stepped out of the hanshi, feeling strangely content and uncertain all at once.

The new draft of the trade proposal with Lan Xichen’s carefully scripted notes hung purposely in the folds of Jiang Cheng’s robes. He would be leaving with a better understanding of the stance to take regarding the business developments of the cultivation world, and a better understanding of ZeWu-Jun. 

Much had happened to both of them in the course of the last year, much more than either of them were willing to admit to themselves. Much less discuss with someone who was barely more than an acquaintance. 

It’s true that they’d fought side by side during the sunshot campaign and later on the raid of the burial mounds, though ZeWu-jun was a bit more unwilling to participate and seemed mostly there to placate his uncle with his presence. It was only many years later, when Wei Wuxian stumbled into Lotus Pier in a drunken stupor after a fight with Lan Wangji, that he’d confided in him that the reason for the hollow look in Lan Xichen’s eyes at that time was the result of Lan Wangji’s whipping. He felt himself shiver at the thought of having to be a bystander to such a thing befalling a sibling. 

But even after knowing this, their time on the battlefields, and their Sect Leader responsibilities resulting in needing to be in contact with one another, he and Lan Xichen had never exactly been, _friends_. The Lan Sect Leader had even reminded him so in the soft evening light of the Hanshi. 

They’d been pouring over paperwork that Jiang Cheng had brought with him, the light strokes of Lan Xichen, and the aggressive cutting slashes of Jiang Cheng drying in the silence between them. The inkwell had long since dried, but Jiang Cheng continued checking and rechecking their work, not quite ready to admit they were finished and therefore he would have to fulfill his promise and leave. Not that he wasn’t a man of his word. But this exhausted, anguished, and pessimistic version of Lan Xichen did not sit right with him and leaving even less so. Like the moment he stepped through the door the man would immediately return to his old ways, dead set on following his father's road. Which was unacceptable. 

So he stayed, finding excuse after excuse to rewet his brush, and yet Lan Xichen made no move to remind him of his words or request he depart. 

It wasn’t until Jiang Cheng was continuously tracing over every character he’d written thus far that the silence was broken.

“Sect Leader Jiang.” Jiang Cheng paused, his hand stilling over the scrolls in front of him. “We've never been, particularly close, would you agree?” He nodded stiffly, “As that is the case, I find myself curious about your visit today.” 

Jiang Cheng swallowed and averted his eyes. “I told you, I had matters to discuss with you.” He grumbled, avoiding the obvious undertone of the question. 

When he finally returned his gaze to Lan Xichen’s face, he was giving him a patient expression, and when it was obvious there was no more Jiang Cheng intended to say he said, “And yet you linger.”

The corners of Jiang Cheng’s mouth turned downward, and he fixed the other man with a glare. “Do you want to be rid of me so badly? Then do not waste your breath, I’ll be taking my leave ZeWu-jun.”

He moved to get up, slamming his hand on the table forcefully than necessary. But the thin, wiry fingers wrapping around his wrist gave him pause. He looked down a bit incredulously, his eyes flickering back and forth to the hand wrapped securely round his wrist and Lan Xichen’s face, who looked just as shocked at his sudden action as Jiang Cheng felt. 

He snatched his hand back as if Jiang Cheng’s skin was scalding, leaving the Jiang Sect Leader feeling suddenly chilled.

“Sect Leader Jiang, that- what I mean is- I very much, enjoyed your company today.” 

Jiang Cheng had never seen the Lan Sect Leader look so open, his auburn eyes wide and glistening and his lips pink and chapped from where he had bitten them after stumbling so awkwardly over his words. 

“If you wish to leave, I won’t stop you. The light is leaving us after all. But I would never forgive myself if I allowed you to leave misunderstanding my meaning and feeling unappreciated. Though a surprise, your presence today has never been unwanted and I admit feeling myself not wanting you to leave, although you will have to at some point.” His tongue swiped at the dryness lips and if the light hadn’t been so low Jiang Cheng would’ve sworn there was a flush of embarrassment crawling up the Sect Leader’s neck before it was gone. “I only wanted to know why you are doing this. Surely you are busy with your own matters, so I can’t fathom why exactly you are here instead, helping me. Undoubtedly I’ve caused you troubles through my actions both past and present…” 

Lan Xichen’s words failed him as he lowered his eyes and head in shame, his shoulders sagged with the weight of the guilt that laced his words. He seemed incredibly small at that moment, fragmented and brittle in a way Jiang Cheng had never seen him. So, it must have been indisputably insensitive when the words that fell from Jiang Cheng’s thoughtless mouth were;

“Are you an idiot?”

Lan Xichen blinked at him. And then a second time. And then a third. 

“What?”

“Are you an idiot?!” Jiang Cheng repeated, more urgently. “For whose actions are you trying to take responsibility for?” He demanded, seeming to work himself up more and more as his voice rose to a pitch that hurt Lan Xichen’s ears after so long of oppressive silence. “None of the chaos that has run rampant in these recent months has been your doing. Is that why you’ve locked yourself in here? Trying to repent for actions that were no more your own than Wei Wuxian’s were mine?”

He froze after the last sentence, realizing he’d said too much, and Lan Xichen was struck, not for the first time, with how similar they were. There were distinct parallels in the events that had befallen them more than a decade apart and Lan Xichen felt something in him swell at the thought that perhaps he wasn’t alone in his suffering after all. 

“You know my grief, my shame, and remorse. So why reprimand me for your own actions?” He asked, more curious of the reason than offended. 

Jiang Cheng sniffed scornfully. “It’s because I know your difficulties that I know how fruitless it is to feel penitence for actions and outcomes that would have resulted regardless of your involvement.”

Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng a smile that was so obviously forced it hurt him to look at him. “That’s easier said than done. Regardless of my ignorance the truth remains that I unwittingly aided in the murder of my sworn brother, and then took the life of the other with my own hands.”

“Your hands are free of blood on both accounts.” Jiang Cheng responded like it was the most obvious truth in the world.

“But _still_ ,” The Lan Sect Leader insisted, sounding suddenly desperate. “Without my help, without the song of clarity, none of this would have come to pass. It is _because_ of me that A-yao-” He choked on the name. “Meng Yao’s plans were even able to come to fruition. Because of my trust Wei Wuxian had such crimes pinned to his name and his conscience and the resulting grief caused him to lose himself to the darkness. Your pain, Wangji’s pain, the loss of life, and ensuing anguish of so many, are the result of my blind faith.” 

“You were used.” Jiang Cheng said bluntly. 

Those words, said so plainly, suddenly seemed to tilt the entire word on a new axis leaving the Lan Sect Leader reeling. It hurt, of course, it hurt how could it not? Lan Xichen had been alone with thoughts that were nothing more than how much it hurt for months. But to hear it spoken, delivered so blatantly rather than the careful precautionary words of everyone who’d broached the topic with him thus far, was the strangest kind of comfort. To have someone acknowledge that he had been taken advantage of, that he didn’t mean to incite what had happened, that he didn’t _know_. It was more than he found himself prepared for. 

He wasn’t aware of the fat, hot, tears until his hands were wet with them where they sat in his lap. The Jiang Sect Leader floundered uselessly at his side unsure what to do and any other time Lan Xichen would’ve chuckled at the flustered face of the infamous Sandu Shengshou so panicked over making ZeWu-jun _cry._ But he didn’t, he didn’t do anything except let the tears flow freely for the first time since the events of Guanyin temple, while his companion offered his company but studiously stared into the dark hallway in an attempt to offer some kind of privacy. 

“I was used.” He choked after a moment, bringing Jiang Cheng’s eyes back to him. “I was used.” He repeated, unable to find any more words to express the emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

It seemed he didn't need to, however. Jiang Cheng’s answer was crystal clear, strong, unwavering, and everything Lan Xichen wasn’t at that moment.

“I know.” 

The sound that tore itself from Lan Xichen’s throat was strangled, bursting with grief, longing, and anguish.

The words were by no means a solution to his agony, and the guilt in his heart still remained. But for now, it was enough.

After Lan Xichen had managed to calm himself, and Jiang Cheng insistently waved off any and all attempts the other man made to apologize, they sat a bit uncomfortably in silence. Words felt unable to bridge the chasm of emotions that had fallen between them and neither was sure how to proceed. 

“I should be going.” Jiang Cheng said, breaking the stillness of the room and rising to his feet. 

Lan Xichen’s lashes fluttered on his cheeks as he opened his eyes, giving Jiang Cheng a look that was reminiscent of the puppies he kept while he was young. “If that is your wish.” 

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and flicked his sleeves in mild annoyance. “It’s not that desire too, more that it is merely what I _should_ do. It is late, the night will become too dark to travel if I wait any longer. That is why I should go.”

The Lan Sect Leader gave him an understanding nod, lowering his eyes once more. “Thank you for your company today, your presence is always welcome here.”

Jiang Cheng gave a nod of his own, but made no attempt to move, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. It was his tell for when there was something more, he wished to say and he was trying to decide if the risk was worth it. Lan Xichen felt a ghost of a smile on his lips knowing that he had kept such a habit over the years. 

It was a few more moments before Jiang Cheng seemed to find the words that escaped him. Lan Xichen waited patiently, feigning meditation to give the man some face. 

When he finally spoke it was rushed, the words nearly blending together in a whirlwind, much like the man himself. “I won’t try to persuade you to stop looking for answers or tell you not to blame yourself because I know as well as you do these things are never so simple. But if I catch wind of the fact you’ve stopped eating once more, I will come back and break your legs.” 

The snort Lan Xichen made at the admission was anything but dignified, but the hesitant smile it earned him was well worth the slight embarrassment. “I will take your word for it.” 

And just like that the unease that had settled over the room dissipated, and although Lan Xichen was reluctant to lose the comforting atmosphere for the solitary he’d grown to know, it was indeed time for Jiang Cheng to depart. “I will watch for your letters regarding the Meishan.” 

“And I will provide.”

“...Have a safe trip.”

“I intend to.”

Jiang Cheng bowed politely from where he stood, the gesture feeling a bit strange now since they’d foregone all physical formalities since his abrupt entrance. But Lan Xichen returned the gesture, although he did not stand to do so, for which Jiang Cheng was sure his weakened body was thankful for. But after a few more moments of silence charged with something unknown and one final look to the Lan Sect Leaders' carefully blank face, Jiang Cheng crossed the room to where he’d entered and stepped into the night. 

It was crisp outside, but not unbearably so. The onset of autumn was early this year, but the achingly slow unfolding of the season made up for the fact that there was still about a month left of summer. The nights were the only herald of the change as the days were still bathed in the golden rays of summer sun and children free of classes. Jiang Cheng yearned for the days he would’ve been one of the smiling faces bobbing merrily in the waters of Lotus Pier. But far gone were such carefree dreams, and all that remained for the summer was the preparation for the coming months and the bone-chilling cold that followed.

Even so, there was a warmth within him now, radiating from the papers that sat abreast of his heart. It was a small comfort, not enough to keep the icy claws of regret and anger at bay, but enough to keep them from inching any deeper. At least for the moment. 

Jiang Cheng sighed loudly into the dark of the Cloud Recesses. 

Today had been, unexpected, in more than one way. The meeting had gone well and he had managed to accomplish what he had intended to with his visit, but there was still so much more that happened that he’d found himself wholly unprepared for. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were missing, Lan Xichen’s disregard for his own health followed by the fact that the man had _cried_ in front of him, and Jiang Cheng found himself completely useless to do anything in the moment. However, the letters the juniors spoke of at least meant Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were safe, and when he left Lan Xichen seemed to be in better spirits and his face had regained some color. 

Another sigh escaped Jiang Cheng as he stalked down the path of the Hanshi the way he came, this time the juniors nowhere to be seen, and the Cloud Recesses was shrouded in a sleepy atmosphere. It was probably for the best; his mind was still reeling with the conversation he had with Lan Xichen. 

He knew all too well what the other man was going through, but the way in which they handled their grief was so _different_. He didn’t know what to make of it. While he searched for his answers out in the world, ceaselessly looking for the perpetrator, Lan Xichen retreated into himself for the same closure. As though somewhere, somehow, in his memory Meng Yao had left him some tangible reason for the actions that had brought so many so much heartache. 

It was impossible. If the answers could truly be found in the past, then there was no way Lan Xichen would be in such turmoil over the results in the present. The same could even be said for Jiang Cheng. Although Wei Wuxian was charged and killed in the past, it wasn’t until the future that the truth could be exposed. So, no matter how long or how tirelessly he looked in the past, there were no answers to be found. 

Jiang Cheng rubbed the space between his brow and growled. His own self-loathing and lack of conduct handling these matters only increased with the knowledge that after all this time, and experience, knowing what Lan Xichen was going through, he hadn’t the words to comfort and advise him. He hated his own weakness. 

_Not that it’s your place._ He reminded himself bitterly. 

Even if he had the gall to burst uninvited into Lan Xichen’s personal quarters under the pretense that he was putting himself in danger by refusing his meals, it didn’t mean he had the right to infringe upon the man so... _intimately._

Worrying about the physical wellbeing of someone is much the same as if a comrade is injured on the battlefield and in need of medical attention. 

But to offer soothing words, consoling touches, was never something Jiang Cheng was familiar with, even before, _everything._ And if that person was someone as unmovable and accomplished as _ZeWu-jun,_ Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure who between them would break first. 

But again, it wasn’t his place. 

And yet, who else knew this torment so well? Lan Xichen had proven it was too much for him, his actions, or lack thereof, have shown that well enough. The Gusu Lan also made their place on the matter quite clear, not to mention Lan Wangji’s disappearance.

Jiang Cheng had faced this misery alone for more than a decade, it chewed him up and spat him back out for the better part of his life, and though jaded, aching, and despondent, he had survived. The thought of Lan Xichen emerging from seclusion less than whole or worse, _like him_ , caused something tight to close around Jiang Cheng’s windpipe.

But once again his own self-doubt returned to haunt him, reminding him that even if he shared Lan Xichen’s sorrow he would be the worst possible example of how to cope with the trauma of betrayal. 

_Just look how you turned out._ His cynicism whispered. _You are a poison, a corruption. Your anger does nothing more than destroy and infect others. He’s better off without whatever kind of ‘help’ your contamination will provide._

 _But still_ , he found himself arguing back, _though we wished our heartache upon no one, how many times did we yearn for someone at our side who could understand our pain. How many nights were we stuck fending off our demons companionless? We did not have a choice in the matter, but does he deserve the same lonesome fate when there is someone to lead him through the darkness?_

Jiang Cheng wandered through the pathways of the Cloud Recesses deep in thought and heavily conflicted. He nearly missed the two figures approaching him as quickly as the rules would allow when he neared the gate. 

“Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Sizhui greeted with a bow once they were near enough. “Is Sect Leader Lan...?” 

“He’s eaten.” Jiang Cheng answered simply. Unsure what more he could say about their interactions. “He’s promised to take his meals more regularly in the future.”

“That’s great!” Lan Jingyi chirped, raising his head excitedly before a sharp elbow from Lan Sizhui had him lowering his eyes once more. Jiang Cheng huffed out what could have been a laugh before Lan Sizhui spoke up again.

“Will you…” Lan Sizhui struggled over his words for a moment. “Will you be returning to see him again?” He finally seemed to settle on. 

Jiang Cheng felt an eyebrow raise to his hairline at the brashness of the question, but he knew it stemmed from anywhere but disrespect. 

“Probably not. I was merely here for the convenience of an answer, nothing more.” 

The Juniors moved out of his way as he stepped through the wards, making no attempt to follow him through the gate. It was the truth, after all, his visit was merely necessity and Lan Xichen’s health would be a concern to anyone in his position. Now that he’d promised to eat and recover there was nothing more for Jiang Cheng to do, he shouldn’t get any more involved.

“Ah, that reminds me. Alert the kitchens that ZeWu-jun can’t stomach solid foods at the moment, mild broths and congees would be best until he’s stable. I know your palettes are moderate, so spices aren’t a worry but ensure any seasonings are light regardless. And if at any time he seems to slip back into his old habits or is in sudden decline, alert me immediately.” 

The two kids caught each other's eyes for a quick moment before bowing their understanding, and with that Jiang Cheng spun on his heel, unsheathed Sandu, and took off into the night. 

…He wouldn’t get any more involved starting now.


	3. A Budding Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For starters, I just want to say, thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, kudos, and feedback on this story. 
> 
> This is my first fanfic after years of writer's blog, changing of interests, and just overall really feeling inadequate in both my writing and my art. And with all that between several moves, multiple jobs, and college it's been, a lot. I got into MDZS on the recommendation of a friend and wrote this story on a whim because it kept waking me up in the middle of the night with ideas for dialogue so it means so much to hear that it's being enjoyed. 
> 
> My uploads will be spontaneous, more or less, because my mood just changes randomly and sometime's I wake up wanting to draw and sometimes write, and I want to draw a bit after this chapter because I've been lacking severely on my other social media (which are listed in my profile bio) but this fic is totally planned out and I just need to write it out so bear with me because I really love this story!! 
> 
> But that's enough of my griping so THANK U ALL AGAIN SM for all your comments and kudos! I will do my best to respond to you all because it means so much to me, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

The letters and scrolls of the problems in the cultivation world seemed endless. If it wasn’t some kind of problem, then it was someone who required his counsel. There was always something.

Lan Xichen sighed into the silence of the hanshi. He’d been awake for some time now but he felt no immediate need to start his day, not that there was a rush to be bathed and dressed. Those that brought his meals and trays stacked with letters never stepped past his threshold and merely left them at his front stoop at the appropriate times. And based on the tolling of the bells, it was about the time that breakfast would be served in the dining hall.

The Lan Sect Leader stretched languidly, cat like, and sat up slowly, blinking the sleep from his eyes in the soft morning light.

It had been about a week since Sect Leader Jiang’s impromptu visit, and departure, and since he had made good on his promise to take his meals. Although it was hard to muster an appetite at times, he would stomach what his body would allow. More than once he was tempted to leave his food untouched, if only to experience the fresh air the storm that was Jiang Wanyin would bring upon hearing the news. It was a strange and selfish thought, to do something so underhanded in an attempt to win himself some company, but he was not so impulsive to seriously entertain doing such a thing. Not to mention someone as work absorbed as Sect Leader Jiang certainly had better things to do than entertain a mentally broken fellow Sect Leader. 

A soft tapping at the door alerted Lan Xichen to the arrival of food and the first of many communications he would need to look through over the course of the day. He rose to his feet gracefully and crossed from the bedroom through the living room and into the hall. He waited until it was certain that the disciple who had had the task to deliver these to him had gone before sliding the door open. 

The tray was filled with moderately portioned foods - freshly peeled loquats, rice congee, and soft pudding - and next to it was a neatly tied parcel of letters, stringed together to keep them from blowing away. The stack was about four knuckles in length and Lan Xichen swallowed another sigh before taking them all in hand and stepping back into the hanshi. 

He placed himself at the table in the main room, picked up a spoon in one hand, a letter in the other, and got to work. 

\------------

With the final letter in his current pile read and his response signed, and sealed Lan Xichen finally allowed himself a moment to breathe. His shoulders ached with something similar to muscle soreness, although his posture was as immaculate as ever, and he rolled them absently, feeling the joints protest and pop before settling. 

His empty tray from breakfast had long since been put outside but based on the warm light of midday blanketing the room through the drapery and the soft knocking on the door lunch had arrived. He didn’t rise immediately, instead allowing himself a few peaceful minutes of mediation that seemed few and far between with the world continuing to turn outside his doors.

The typical questions rose to the surface of the calm waters of his mind, disturbing the stillness with small drops, breaking the surface tension. _Why did it have to be this way? Why our older brother? Why me? What could I have done to prevent this?_

The bitter fangs of guilt and despair pierced the placid lake of his mind, freezing it over, trapping him beneath the surface. He nearly succumbed, the ease of placing his blame on himself other than someone who he had held such high regard for an ever-tempting offer.

But the echoing voice of Jiang Wanyin rang out over the frozen spring, melting the ice and shattering it like a pane of glass as Lan Xichen broke the surface, finally able to come up for air. 

In the hanshi his sharp inhale was strangely loud in the quiet, even as his head rang with the cacophony of his own mind and Jiang Wanyin’s voice demanding to know “for who’s actions he was trying to take responsibility for”. He was still unable to provide an answer, and the voice slipped away with the others as he rose to his feet.

The food seemed very much the same as it had that morning, but what was interesting was the letters, or lack thereof. Instead there was only one, marked simply to be delivered to him, as many were. Curiosity piqued, he took the tray and letter inside, settling himself once more at the table before looking at the seal on the back of the parchment and feeling his heartthrob strangely. 

It was the ever-familiar lotus crest of the Jiang Family. He would never mistake it after all this time, and he’s sure he’d seen hundreds of letters with this seal over the years and opened plenty himself. So, what is it about this one in particular that made his blood pressure skyrocket and his palms itch to open it. 

He supposes it must be the, familiar exchange he and the Jiang Sect Leader had a week ago. It had been a surprise for them both, and a bit discomfited if he was being completely honest. Not that he regretted it, or even disliked it. 

There was something about the straightforwardness of the man that pulled a deep satisfaction from deep within him. 

After so long of thinking he understood someone he never truly knew, and the careful way those who spoke to after the events at Guanyin temple kept their thoughts hidden from him; it was gratifying to know there was at least one person who had no such ideas to censor himself. It was refreshing, to hear his thoughts so openly, be it through paper or conversation, and the knowledge that he would not have to search for answers from Jiang Wanyin was relieving in a way that settled into his bones. The blunt nature of Jiang Wanyin was something Lan Xichen always felt drawn to, the bravery to state one’s blatant thought on a matter and then stand by their word was truly admirable. And considering his wayward brother, it must run in the family.

How Lan Xichen felt himself longing to be one amongst those who walked the path of their own morals, be it for love, for family, or just for one’s own sake; for no other reason than the fact that was part of who they are. But that was not who he was, not who he was _allowed_ to be. He was born into the mold of the Lan Sect Leader, and he had no choice to be any less, or any more, than that. 

He sighed, something he found himself doing more and more often these days, and reached for the letter to quiet his turbulent thoughts. There was no use dwelling on the past, he could only move forward. 

With his attention diverted he felt a strange giddy feeling well up and fill his rib cage with warmth. He’d been waiting for this later for what felt like too long, but was no doubt sent as soon as possible, and his anticipation was getting the better of him. The informality of his last communication with the Jiang Sect Leader rang in his ears and the thought of such closeness continuing both excited and terrified him. 

He opened the letter with shaking fingers and read the contents:

_In address to Sect Leader Lan_

_Lan Xichen:_

_I am pleased to inform you that in regards to our most recent communications the trade routes between the Meishan Yu and the Gusu Lan through Yunmeng have been decided._

_As I’m sure you are aware the communications on what and when is being sent will be something to discuss between yourself and Sect Leader Yu. However, we thought for simplicity's sake, for more regular deliveries it would be best to schedule via the cycles of the moon. The phase chosen is another matter to be discussed between the two sect’s in question of course, I merely ask to be notified of your final decision to better prepare for the caravan's arrival._

_Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin_

The letter was nothing out of the ordinary, objectively simple, straight to the point, and short. Lan Xichen felt the familiar tug of disappointment pulling at the warmth that had draped over him moments before. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected necessarily but he hoped that maybe they had become closer in some aspect. It seemed he was the only one that thought so. 

A discontented noise slipped past his lips and he made to fold the letter back into its envelope and begin crafting his response when a small smudging of ink caught his eye. Sect Leader Jiang was known for his perfectionism and orderly conduct, so it was quite a shock to find in the bottom most fold of the letter smeared characters and blotched out words. He hadn’t unfolded the letter any further than the initial message because it seemed to be over, but obviously he was mistaken.

Many of the sentences were crossed out beyond recognition or reading, the lines nearly painted entirely blank as if the writer was adamant the words were never meant to be seen. 

And then, in the middle of the mess, underlined to be certain the words would stand out amongst the intelligible lettering, were the words;

_I hope this letter finds you well._

To anyone else the words would be customary, expected even. But Jiang Wanyin is not someone to say things without cause or purpose, much less anything meant to be flattering or pandering. He was a man of action, and too proud to stoop to something as demeaning as bootlicking when he could instead command respect. And above all he did not speak frivolously, anything he said, or wrote, he wouldn’t say without meaning it wholly. 

Suddenly Lan Xichen was accosted with the image of Jiang Wanyin sitting at a desk in the light of dusk, brush wet with ink and crossing out line after line he deemed unfit for something as simple as asking after Lan Xichen’s health. Fingers stained with his indecision as he crosses out the newest strokes and starts anew. 

The thought has something unknown blooming within his chest, something pleasant and balmy, and for the first time in months he dips his brush and eagerly writes out a response. 

Sect Leader Jiang was in a bad mood. 

… Sect Leader Jiang was in a worse mood than usual. 

The disciples currently not facing the brunt of his fury watched from a distance as he heckled those in the courtyard with more ferocity than his typical criticism. He scolded them for the untidiness of their uniforms, berated and tore apart their sword forms and chewed out anyone that looked the slightest big exhausted; and this had been going on for the better part of 3 hours. 

_What do you think has him in such a state? Was it something one of us did?_ His disciples mused to themselves. 

It was like a switch was flipped; he was fine just a day ago but no one could pinpoint what could’ve happened in such a short amount of time to make him so agitated. 

Suddenly his voice rang out through the training grounds, “Are those of you watching looking for something to do? Because if your schedules are clear enough to stand around I’m sure you’d be welcome to join us!” Their Sect Leader roared, sending the remaining pupils scattering.

He glared in their general direction for a few moments more before turning back to the ones that remained in the courtyard, watching a few of the less disciplined ones straighten from where they’d allowed themselves to slump. 

“From the beginning!” 

Jiang Cheng could almost feel the burnout rolling off the students, and although they remained silent the resounding groan of dismay was still loud in his ears. They readied themselves in the first of many sword forms and as they progressed Jiang Cheng prowled up and down the rows. He lectured about improper shoulder to wrist height, weak grasps on hilts and lazy stances. 

He knew he was being unfair, at least somewhat, these kids didn’t warrant the wrath of his troubled mind, and yet he didn’t have the leisure to shirk his responsibilities for introspection or meditation. So he could only overthink, incite his own anger and take it out on his daily activities in hopes it would somehow calm his stormy waters. Which in action was apparently as useless as it feels since his ire has only grown over the course of the day. 

He barked some order that had his disciples scrambling into formation and let his mind wander back to the source of discountenance. 

_It’s been three days since I sent Lan Xichen that letter._ He thought bitterly. _I knew I should have rewritten it. What must he think of me? I’ve made a fool of myself; I am an embarrassment to my Sect. I never should have been so bold._

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, fighting with his own wayward thoughts as his disciples shuffled around miserably from pose to pose. But it must not have been long before a voice called out for him, drawing him back to immediate attention. 

“What is it now?” He demanded, turning to the gate, and nearly choking when standing next to one of his subordinates was someone dressed in the pale colors of the Gusu Lan. 

He halted his students, who dropped their swords, sliding to the ground gratefully, and crossed over to where his junior and their guest was waiting- who he recognized as he got closer.

“Lan Jingyi, I’ve been expecting one of you to be by sooner or later.” He called, inclining his head duly as the junior bowed.

“Sect Leader Jiang, I brought the most recent letter from ZeWu-jun.”

Jiang Cheng had to physically stop himself from snatching the proffered letter in a way that was surely less than dignified. He took it slowly, controlled, and tucked it into the folds of his robes before turning to address the disciples still in the courtyard. 

“You’re dismissed! Lunch will be ready in the dining hall, wash up and go eat.” He turned back to Lan Jingyi and the junior at his side. “Thank you for the letter. I know you’ve been here a few times and know some of my disciples so feel free to eat and rest with them before you journey home.” He left after giving instructions to the subordinate standing with them to make sure he tended appropriately to Lan Jingyi’s needs and that he would be in his quarters if anyone had need of him. 

They watched his retreating form quietly for a few moments and when he turned the corner Lan Jingyi turned to address the junior at his side. 

“I thought you said he was in a bad mood?” 

The disciple watched the corner Sect Leader Jiang had disappeared behind for a few more moments, and once he seemed certain his Sect Leader wouldn’t reappear he gave Jingyi a confused look. 

“He _was._ ”

\------------

It took nearly all Jiang Cheng’s self-control not to run to his room as soon as he was out of direct eyeshot of his disciples, but he was the Jiang Sect Leader goddamnit, he had more self-respect than that. 

He just happened to walk quickly by habit regardless. 

When he got to his room he burst through the doors, letter already in hand, and began opening it quickly, nearly tearing it in his haste. 

He wasn’t sure what he was necessarily expecting, not that he was expecting anything other than the typical courtesy and professionalism that was the standard for ZeWu-jun. If anything, his anxiety most likely stemmed from the skepticism of his own mind insisting he pushed the barrier too far. He merely wanted to stick to his inner pessimist, that was it, surely. 

He opened the letter and unfolded its contents with greedy fingers;

_In address to:_

_Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin_

_In accordance with your last letter Sect Leader Yu and I have been in contact and have decided that the best days for travel would be two nights a month, under the light of the half moon._

_Currently there are no plans for any extra trips or supplies other than what has been discussed but should any additional trips be required you will receive a letter two days in advance in order to make the necessary preparations._

_The first test of the routes will take place a fortnight from now to give everyone some time to ready themselves. You can expect a small party of about five persons to arrive in Yunmeng the night of the half moon two weeks from now._

_Feel free to contact me with any more concerns or questions you may have._

_Sect Leader Lan Xichen_

_Your previous letter has indeed found me in good health. Although my appetite sometimes fails me, I make sure to eat enough so that my legs may survive another day._

Jiang Cheng found himself rereading the bottom part of the letter in case he misunderstood something in some way, but Lan Xichen’s calligraphy was as seamless as ever. A laugh suddenly burst from him, loud enough to be heard by the disciples passing his chambers outside. 

Lan Xichen must indeed be in good health if he was able to tease so plainly, and it stirred something in the depth of his chest, leaving him both pleasantly warmed and hollowed. But for once, he pushed down the dissident voices in the back of his mind and allowed himself to bask in the gladdened feeling in his heart.

It had been some time since he allowed anyone in, past the walls of his defense, and even longer since anyone tried. Usually spurned and repulsed by the thorns of his anger, no one attempted to get close anymore and for good reason. 

But perhaps, he could learn to trust someone who knew the pain of betrayal as well as he did. Perhaps there were benefits of a confidant, just as there were to being alone. Perhaps, it would be worth giving it a try. 

A strange kind of determination struck him, and he wrote his response, much more orderly this time, before leaving his quarters and handing it to his shell shocked courier with a smile.

He wasn’t sure exactly what this would bring, or if the Lan Sect Leader even knew what he was getting into- if he even _wanted_ to- but Jiang Cheng had hope in his heart for the first time in what felt like much too long. And after all, he was if anything, attempting the impossible.


	4. New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey once again thank you guys so soooo much for your support and love on this story!! I'm so glad you're all enjoying it I was terrified I wouldn't capture their characters or interactions well enough so I'm very happy!! Thank you!
> 
> (Also here's some fluff!!! And also some hurt but mostly fluff!!!!!)

The letters continued and a habit was formed. 

The longer the Sects went without correspondence the more rotten a mood Jiang Cheng would get over time, and the more hell he would rain down on his disciples in their training. Then, the mail would arrive, just about all of it the typical drivel of complaints from other Sect Leaders- Sect Leader Yao mostly- and the rest general housekeeping, _actual_ problems that needed resolving, staying in each other’s good graces, etc.. But every time it would arrive the rest of the day and the following ones would be bliss until Sect Leader Jiang’s heckles would rise once more.

Talk spread through the Yunmeng Jiang like wildfire, its disciples whispered to one another in the halls like rumoring maids. Many wondered if some elusive maiden had captured the ruthless Sandu Shengshou’s heart, or if it was wayward correspondences from their mysterious Wei-shixiong who was still missing. The speculations swirled and took flight, becoming wilder and wilder, but nothing ever seemed to come of them. And when even the brave disciple who managed to sneak a peek at the seals on the back of the letters before handing them off to Sect Leader Jiang came up with nothing, the storm ceased and life went on in its new normal.

Unknown to everyone, that the secret they were seeking wouldn’t be found in some unmarked letter or lipstick coated envelope.

\------------

Their messages started slow, single sentences, rarely any more than that. 

_How are you?_

_Fine, working, as usual, there’s always more to do._

_A sentiment we seem to share, what is it that you’re working on?_

_Gritting my teeth from telling off Sect Leader Yao for what feels like the hundredth time this week. The man is insufferable and should know better than to waste my time._

_Another thing we seem to have in common, I feel a headache within minutes of his company_

_Slandering a fellow ally Sect Leader? That doesn’t seem very Lan like._

_My patience is not unlimited, Jiang Wanyin. How is the weather in Yunmeng this season?_

_It feels like it will be cold this year, I’m not expecting frozen waters but the last of the lotus blooms are leaving. How are you feeling lately?_

_I have been better, some days are worse than others, but I find comfort in your letters._

_Would you believe me if I felt the same?_

_I’d believe whatever you chose to tell me. How-_

It was exhilarating, like stealing Lotus pods and chickens from the old man down river or hunting pheasants and shooting kites in the woods. The same kind of giddy feeling thrilled down Jiang Cheng’s spine whenever he received a letter with the familiar cloud insignia of the Gusu Lan. 

He’d never been one for idle conversation or breezy companions that flitted this way and that as if accompanied by their own flurry. Another thing Wei Wuxian had mastered over him. Not that it mattered, such things were deemed unnecessary to Jiang Cheng and he’d never felt the need to flirt, pander or flaunt himself so uselessly. He’d figured if he had someone fated to him, they’d appreciate him as himself, without needing to parade himself for their attention- Wei Wuxian. 

And if he was meant to be alone then… Then he was to be alone. 

But these simple conversations with Lan Xichen were new, exhilarating, and frighteningly easy. Being a man of action was simple. Why should he attempt to find words to explain himself, when he could just demonstrate it?

This was why the ease of this back and forth with the Lan Sect Leader was surprisingly daunting like there was some kind of pressure or expectation to try and say the right thing. But in the same breath, it was so tempting to _not care_ , their conversations slid from topic to topic- fluid like water- and it made Jiang Cheng want to talk about anything and everything. He wanted to spit his innermost fears are the man’s feet and wait for judgment that wouldn’t come, and that was just as chilling.

But he didn’t, instead, he started to write a more detailed retelling of his days, and as time went on their conversations leaked onto additional pages, attached to their Sect responsibilities. A kindling friendship blossomed between them, sneaking through the golden leaves of the burgeoning fall and blooming warmly. 

It’s that feeling that had Jiang Cheng writing his next letter a bit more seriously than the random echoing of his daily activities, and the newest foibles of his disciples he’d usually fill the paper with. 

_I plan to be taking a few days to offer Jin Ling my support in Lanling while he deals with some of the smaller Sects on his borders complaints and wants. I’ll be leaving in two days’ time and staying in Lanling for about three days after._

_I won’t be able to receive any letters during this time. But if you don’t mind the company, perhaps you’d allow me an audience on my way back to Yunmeng. There is no pressure of course, if you’d feel the time would be better spent on work or meditation I understand completely._

_The choice is yours._

_Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin_

He frets the entire time he waits for the response, wondering if he’s being too bold, too forward, _too much_ \- he’s reminded of the gossiping words about his mother’s demeanor and intensity- he grimaces.

So when the letter inevitably arrives, the courier toting it is understandably surprised when he finds the Leader of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect waiting for him personally by the gate. 

Jiang Cheng nods to him jerkily before taking the offered parcels, tipping him handsomely, and retreating to his quarters. He disregards all other letters, dropping them carelessly on the table in a way that was typically very unlike him, before opening the one he’d been waiting for with sweating palms. 

It was short and direct as his had been, formal but not unfriendly. Lan Xichen wished him safe travel and for their success at wrangling the smaller Sect’s into some kind of compromise. But it felt like ages before Jiang Cheng got to that part of the writing, only able to focus on the four words that preceded the rest of the missive. 

_That would be lovely_

The business in Lanling went off without a hitch and Jin Ling handled himself admirably, he held his head high as a Sect Leader and addressed their issues with minimal attitude and they even managed to come to an understanding. Of course, when your uncle is the notable, temperamental, and ruthless Sandu Shengshou who also so happens to be standing behind you glaring daggers as if daring anyone to try anything, it's hard mustering any kind of arrogance. 

Still, it went well. So well in fact that they are a day early in ending the conference and apparently Jin Ling had made plans to night hunt with some other juniors so he all but kicked his uncle out of Carp tower. 

“Fine but next time I’m in the area and you’re begging me to stay an extra night I won’t hear it!” Jiang Cheng yelled- quite unlike a Sect Leader- as he marched down the excessive stairway. 

“Who’s begging you to stay?” Jin Ling shot back, crossing his arms with a huff. “You’re the one who rejected my invitation to join us. It’s your own fault that you don’t have places to be.”

“You-” 

Jin Ling knew he must have taken it a bit too far and he retreated before Jiang Cheng could make good on one of his many threats, nearly sprinting back into Carp tower. “Goodbye Jiujiu!”

Jiang Cheng turned on his heel, almost making himself give chase to his disrespectful brat of a nephew before he finally thought better of it and mounted Sandu. He did have places to be after all. 

It was still early afternoon and it would take a few hours to get to Gusu from Lanling but it was still early enough in the day that he should arrive well before evening. He knew he had said the conference would last three days in his letter, but he hoped the surprise of his early visit would be well received anyway. He could go back to Yunmeng and instead visit tomorrow but there was an impatience fluttering in him that dismissed that thought with ease. It was rare he had any time outside of his responsibilities and he was intending to spend the time as he pleased. 

His flight was spent in the quiet of his own mind, ever the hard worker, as he went over what would be waiting for him when he arrived back home. His responsibilities would not take care of themselves after all, and he didn’t trust anyone enough to take care of them for him in his absence, so he had written to everyone to inform them of his time off. Not that it would stop the world from spinning, the mountain of paperwork that would undoubtedly be waiting for him was expected but no less upsetting. 

A sigh escaped him at the thought, so Jiang Cheng decided to take in the scenery instead, enjoying the beginnings of fall in the slight bite of the wind and vibrant kaleidoscope of colors below.

The gradients of olive and amber dotting the trees giving way to the auburn and vermilion of the season. Although fall heralds the end of his favorite season it was hard for Jiang Cheng to dislike the sereneness and brilliance of autumn. 

The trees seemed to take on a deeper ruby color the closer he got to the Gusu Lan, casting the crystalline structures in a pale rose glow. Jiang Cheng descended with practiced ease and stepped off his sword at the gate, the same as the last. Two different disciples were guarding the gate this time, both perking up and straightening their postures and robes as subtly as they could manage as he drew closer.

“Sect Leader Jiang..! We were not expecting you until tomorrow.” The one on the left stuttered out, bowing as the other disciple scurried off somewhere in a hurry. 

“I’m aware, but my business ended early so I thought I might be able to move my audience with Sect Leader Lan a day earlier. Is there a problem with my judgment?”

As he spoke the second disciple returned carrying a small, intricately carved box which he handed to the other junior. 

“No, of course not. In fact, we were instructed to give you this upon your arrival.” 

He opened the box and offered it to Jiang Cheng with a small bow, who leaned forward to peer inside. Within, pillowed on a small velvet cushion, was a beautifully carved pendant of jade with a lotus painstakingly engraved into the side facing upwards. 

Jiang Cheng stared at it for a few moments with barely concealed awe, before taking it slowly. “This, this is a jade token of passage, is it not?” 

“Indeed, it was commissioned by Sect Leader Lan for you to use at your leisure.”

Lifting it gingerly, almost reverently, from its casing Jiang Cheng gazed down at it for a few more moments before redirecting his attention back to the two juniors.

“I suppose I’ll just be going then.” 

“As you please, Sect Leader Jiang.” 

The two bowed to him as he passed, his mind reeling and a bit unsteady, the smooth of the jade in his closed palm both grounding and weighty. 

\------------

Jiang Cheng spotted Lan Xichen in the garden as he approached the Hanshi. 

He stopped, still a distance away, and simply took in the sight of him. He was still skinny, too skinny to be healthy, but the color was beginning to return to his cheeks and the purple under his eyes had faded to a maroon. He sat on the benches in basic lotus position, eyes closed, and they remained so even as Jiang Cheng approached and sat across from him at the table. 

It was silent between them for a few minutes, Lan Xichen mediating and Jiang Cheng content to allow him his silence and instead take in the colors of the season. It continued that way until the corners of Lan Xichen’s lips twitched upward and Jiang Cheng snorted ungracefully in response.

“Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Xichen said bemusedly, lashes fluttering but not opening. “I didn’t expect you to join me until tomorrow.” 

“The conference ended early; I didn’t think I would be imposing by coming a day sooner.”

Lan Xichen hummed noncommittally, “You’re not, a surprise but not unwelcome. It reminds me of your last visit.” He chuckled quietly and without eyes, on him, Jiang Cheng felt his own mouth curve slightly. “If you’re here so early because the conference is over, I’m assuming it went well.”

“It did, the compromises we suggested were taken without complaint. I’m quite pleased with the whole of it, though some of their issues were merely to complain regardless, but that is the way of some.”

The smile that came this time was bigger than the first. “If you were present, I would be more surprised if it _didn’t_ go well.”

Jiang Cheng felt himself bluster a bit at the unexpected compliment, heat scurrying down his neck. “Flattery will get you nowhere with me.” He scoffed not unkindly. 

This earned him a disagreeing little noise and another flutter of lashes. “It’s not flattery if it’s the truth. You’ve earned the respect of the Cultivation world, refusing to accept terms you’ve had a hand in writing is foolish and the other Sect Leaders know so.”

The flush of; embarrassment? Pride? Shame? Rose to his cheeks this time and Jiang Cheng felt himself silently thanking the gods Lan Xichen had kept his eyes closed. “I hardly did anything. I was merely there to offer my support so these old fools wouldn’t think to take advantage of or attempt to intimidate Jin Ling. Not that they could, it seems I can barely scare the brat anymore, but still, he handled it like a true Sect Leader.” 

The smile _this_ time was full of teeth, and Jiang Cheng felt something throb in him when he realized that if Lan Xichen’s eyes were open they would have sparkled. 

“I can tell.” 

“What do you mean?”

“You sound proud of him.” 

Something warm and satisfying swelled in Jiang Cheng’s chest and he sat up straighter in response. “I am. He’s taken his instruction well-”

“Your.” Lan Xichen interrupted softly.

“What?”

“He’s taken _your_ instruction well.” 

The warm feeling in Jiang Cheng grew a size more before the familiar, ugly sensation of self-doubt and guilt oozed over it, snuffing it out. He tried to scoff in a way that sounded ambiguous, but it came out forced and harsh. “I’m not his sole teacher. He’s had many tutors and people to help and shape him.”

Another hum, “Yes but none have raised him as you have.”

“I’m unsure if that’s a good thing.”

“I disagree.” 

“Well, you’d be one of few.” Jiang Cheng snaps, “I’ve given him my anger, my paranoia, my resentment and not much else.” 

Lan Xichen is quiet for a moment and Jiang Cheng thinks he isn’t going to refute it until he speaks up again. “Were you not just proud of him? You gave him the confidence in himself to be a leader, the skill and strength to fight, the ability to trust in friends from other Sects and the will to forgive.”

Jiang Cheng felt a hand around his wrist, firm but not obtrusive, and when he looked up Lan Xichen’s eyes were open.

“You raised him well. I’ve no doubt he will become an admirable Sect Leader. Just as his Uncle.”

Something caught in Jiang Cheng’s throat at the soft pleading look he was being given, he felt like turning tail and running but at the same time he was rooted to the spot. “There aren’t many others who think so.” 

“Well I am not others, and I think so as a fellow Sect Leader, and as a friend, if that is of some worth to you.”

Jiang Cheng wanted to glare at him, he wanted to scowl and roar and wipe that open and mushy understanding look off Lan Xichen’s face. To tell him how _wrong_ he was. But he simply sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his other hand. “It is.” He mumbled after a moment.

The smile he received in response was brilliant, and Jiang Cheng was struck by a thought that he had mulled over on his way there. He pulled his hand from Lan Xichen’s grip and reached into the folds of his robes, setting the jade token on the table between them. 

“I can’t accept this.”

A frown overtakes Lan Xichen’s sunny expression and Jiang Cheng wants to kick himself. 

“Why?”

“Sect Leader Lan with all due respect it is this kind of display of trust that leaves you open for further injury and heartache.”

A flash of hurt races across Lan Xichen’s expression before it cools into careful neutrality, turning him from Lan Xichen, into a Twin Jade of Lan.

“I feel this is not just about me, Sect Leader. Is it that you can’t accept this, or that you _won’t_?”

 _I want to!_ Jiang Cheng nearly shouts at him. Instead, he grits out, “You know it’s not about that,” _About him._ “How do you know you can trust me so easily?” 

Lan Xichen’s expression breaks and he cocks his head to the side, a curious expression on his face. “Do you intend to hurt me, Sect Leader Jiang?” 

“Of course not!” He bellows.

A small smile breaks out across Lan Xichen’s face and he nods as if confirming something. “Then I don’t believe I have anything to worry about.” 

Jiang Cheng is aware his mouth is open, jaw hanging down as he stares at Lan Xichen as though he has two heads. Suddenly his jaw closes with a click and he makes a strangled sound like he was choking before he explodes into laughter.

Lan Xichen had gotten up and nearly closed the distance between them, fearing something was wrong before Jiang Cheng had devolved into laughter, leaving the other man stunned. It was loud, unabashed, and joyful, and then he snorted- unable to contain himself in mirth- his ears, cheeks, and neck turning a delightful shade of pink, and Lan Xichen decided it was his favorite noise in the world. 

Jiang Cheng turned to him then, his voice hoarse and his honeyed eyes wet with tears, “Lan Xichen, you- You’re such a strange bird!” He burst out before sinking into uncontrollable giggles once more.

The statement held no insulting quality and Lan Xichen didn’t think he could even be bothered to be offended when faced with the threatening, fear instilling, Sandu Shengshou in tears from laughter across from him. 

Lan Xichen hid laughter of his own behind his sleeve, feeling giddy and feverish with elation as he spoke softly into the folds of his robes.

“You are quite a novelty yourself Jiang Wanyin.”

Of course, such consuming joy could not last forever and when Jiang Cheng collected himself and Lan Xichen dismissed any attempt the mortified man made to apologize for his behavior; _you never have to apologize for enjoying yourself in front of me_ ; they moved on to other topics. They talked of the conference in Lanling, the changing of the seasons and their preparedness for winter, they talked sparingly of their siblings and childhoods and in time the sun dwindled behind the horizon and the peach of day lulled into violet evening. 

After a decent amount of prodding, Jiang Cheng eventually agreed to take a room in the Cloud Recesses guest quarters for the night and the two meandered slowly down the pathways towards the pavilion since Lan Xichen insisted on showing him the way. The yielding breeze pulled on their clothes, urging them to bed as they chatted in the low light and it wasn’t until Lan Xichen yawned that they felt it might be time they listened to its call. 

“Time for bed Sect Leader?” Jiang Cheng teased.

“An early night’s rest is better than none. You have saddle bags under _your_ eyes.” Lan Xichen replied easily, amusement dancing in his eyes. 

Jiang Cheng huffed in response, making a show of crossing his arms but there was a small sparkle in his own irises. “Insulting my sleep schedule, are you?” 

Lan Xichen gasped in mock surprise, stunningly sarcastic for someone so typically proper. “I would never, respected Jiang Zongzhu. I’m merely commenting on your _lack_ of one.” 

Jiang Cheng scowled playfully and swatted at him causing Lan Xichen to laugh melodiously before covering his mouth to stifle it. 

His laugh truly was musical, it put any songbird to shame, and it caused something pleased to purr through Jiang Cheng upon wringing it from him. 

“We’re here.” Lan Xichen said finally, stopping outside a door, his eyes still smiling from behind his sleeve. “I tend to meditate in the garden in the midmorning, to enjoy the weather before snow blankets the Cloud Recesses, perhaps you’d be inclined to join me tomorrow?”

“Perhaps.” A smirk slipped through Jiang Cheng’s defenses. “If I don’t sleep through it.”

Another stifled laugh.

“Good night Sect Leader Lan.”

“Good night Sect Leader Jiang.” 

\------------

The arrival of breakfast and the morning bells roused Jiang Cheng at what he felt was much too early. He threw open the door from where someone had lightly been knocking on it about to chew into whatever disciple had the audacity to disturb him so early when his bleary eyes registered the colors of the Gusu Lan. He blinked, and then blinked again, he wasn’t in Yunmeng, and he just terrified this poor Gusu kid, the cups and plates were clinking together with the force of his trembling. 

“Sorry, sorry.” Jiang Cheng grumbled, muffling a yawn into his fist. “I’m used to waking up later and forgot I’m in Gusu I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

The disciple stuttered out something intelligible and Jiang Cheng just nodded, running a hand through his hair and taking the tray before the kid passed out. The junior bowed swiftly and nearly bolted for the opposite side of the area while Jiang Cheng turned back inside, setting the tray down on the table and digging in.

He finished the food quickly, never one used to taking an absurd amount of time for breaks, and after some struggling forwent his typical topknot style bun and braids for a ponytail. His hair needed a wash when he returned to Yunmeng, it was particularly unwieldy this morning.

He then grabbed Sandu and his jade token and strolled out of the guest room feeling much more put together than he had when he scared a disciple half to death while half awake. 

It was about mid-morning and the Cloud Recesses was awake and bustling, or as close to bustling as you can get in a community of not-monks. 

He receives some looks, some stares, but little confusion. It seems word had been spread that he’d been an overnight guest and most of the gazes he received were either juniors who’d heard of him but had never seen him, or the respectful eyes of the clan elders. Let them stare, no matter the reason it had never bothered him before and it had gotten easier with time. 

He walked through the twisting and turning pathways, retracing the steps he took with Lan Xichen the following night when he found himself at a crossroads. He was considering which route to take when he spotted two familiar faces heading towards him.

“Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi greeted in unison. 

“Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi.” He returned. 

“Are you looking for something Sect Leader Jiang.” Sizhui asked after a moment of hesitation. 

“Hmm, just working my way back to the Hanshi.”

“The Hanshi, there’s a shortcut if you follow that path south.” Jingyi chirped, pointing at a stone path a bit off to the right. 

“Ah, thank you, I could have sworn Sect Leader Lan and I had taken one of these paths, but it was dark so I suppose I could be mistaken.” He nodded to the two boys before taking his leave. 

Behind him, Jingyi leaned close to Sizhui taking in the paths Jiang Cheng had indicated. “One of these paths? The one that you can take from the Hanshi leads you all around the Cloud Recesses! Why wouldn’t Sect Leader Lan just take him down the shorter one instead?”

Sizhui laughed quietly and Jingyi looked at him confused before he merely shrugged in answer and they continued on their way. 

Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng had found his way to the Hanshi with no trouble after the boy's direction and stepped carefully into the garden where Lan Xichen was waiting for him. He was in the same position as the previous day except this time he sat in the grass. As Jiang Cheng approached Lan Xichen smiled and indicated the patch of grass next to him with a nod. 

Jiang Cheng sat beside him silently and assumed his position calming his breathing and synchronizing with the steady hum of Lan Xichen’s. 

It was comforting, and a bit intimate, to meditate so closely beside someone, it was a trust jiang Cheng had not felt in some time. He felt a kindred spirit in Lan Xichen despite their obvious differences in temperaments, and he wondered if it was not unlike the pull Wei Wuxian had felt to Lan Wangji in their early adolescence.

They sat there in silence for quite some time, getting lost in the ease and familiarity of the experience. Jiang Cheng had almost forgotten he wasn’t alone. 

He almost flinched when the silence was broken by a loud and uncharacteristic sigh, and then a sudden and sharp intake of breath. Like Lan Xichen was silently voicing his frustration and then surprised and abashed when he remembered he wasn’t alone either. Jiang Cheng knew the feeling, and with the sensation of eyes boring into him it seemed that must have been the case. 

“The dead won’t answer you know.” Jiang Cheng murmured, keeping his eyes closed and breaking the tranquility with dire words. 

He took Lan Xichen’s silence as a wish for him to continue. 

“Dwelling on the past, ruminating on the dead, I know it well. It will do nothing but cause you more grief and suffering. Sometimes that's all people leave behind, that's all they _want_ to leave behind, and that's why they hurt and take advantage of people in life. So why let them continue to do so in death? Why search for answers you can’t have in this life knowing that it will only cause you and those around you more pain? Why need answers at all when you’re not responsible?” He fell silent a moment before continuing. “I know, I know it’s not so simple. But in the end, only you have the power to move on, to _live_ without the ghosts and regrets of the past haunting you while you allow them to do so. I’m not saying they will go away immediately or go away altogether, but they will fade with time if you _allow_ yourself to _heal._ You are punishing yourself for Meng Yao’s actions. For his abuse. It won’t make you feel better, I assure you. Sometimes we can only judge those who’ve done us wrong by their actions, Wei Wuxian was lucky after all, to return, have his name cleared of his most heinous crimes and to be able to give his reasons. But some do wrong selfishly, and they take and take and _take_ and leave nothing behind but ashes, and sometimes we still grieve for them, but even if we don’t know why they must still be held accountable for the result. It’s why I can’t learn to forgive so easily, even if I want to so desperately.”

A shaky sigh left Lan Xichen at the admission, and Jiang Cheng felt raw after such a speech, and to be giving it to ZeWu-Jun of all people was daunting. The silence between them stretched on and Jiang Cheng almost gave in to the urge to open his eyes and look at Lan Xichen in an attempt to gauge how he was feeling, when a gentle weight settled on his shoulder, nearly making him jump out of his skin. 

Lan Xichen leaned into him sighing, “I know, he did bad things, horrible unimaginable things, all for his own personal gain. But I can’t bring myself to hate him just as I can’t imagine forgiving him. He was my sworn brother, as the one who hid me and protected me from the Wen and aided me and the Cloud Recesses, he did these awful things and yet, it’s because he instilled this ideal of himself in my mind, made me think of him as kind and righteous, he was able to use my trust as a sword against my other sworn brother. Now I’m left to wonder how much of the person he showed me was real. If he truly was repentant in the temple and never meant to harm me, or if it was merely a ploy to survive only to strike down all those who knew his secrets. Just as he did to Nie Mingjue.” 

Jiang Cheng moved his arm to lay on the grass behind Lan Xichen, leaning his own weight back into the other man. Both a support, and a balance, to rely on and to steady him. 

“What would you do if you got such an answer? You stayed in seclusion and you called into the night, asking and asking, and you finally received what you’d been pleading for? You find out that it was all a grand scheme, a sham and he was nothing more than a fraud crawling his way to the top demanding more than he deserved. That his kindness was to earn yours, that he meant to end everyone in the temple that night and that he regretted nothing. What would you do with that answer? He’s dead. There is no one to take out the grief and pain and fury on, there is no one left to blame but yourself, and you can’t be blamed for actions that aren’t your own, and you know that. But you still grieve for the person you thought him to be so you punish yourself for your inability to move on, to hate him.”

“What would you suggest I do?” Lan Xichen asked, lifting his head to look Jiang Cheng in the eye. “If I can seek no solace in searching for answers within myself, what do I do now?”

Jiang Cheng leveled him with a look so open and sincere Lan Xichen feared he may break from it.

“The only thing you can do. Move forward. Move on and don’t give him the satisfaction to know you’re still suffering under his heel. Let yourself heal and move forward.”

Lan Xichen gave him a watery smile, unspilled tears shining in his eyes. “It’s interesting, from the events and Guanyin Temple up until your visit it felt as though I was at a standstill, waist-deep in molasses. But now,” He settled his head back on Jiang Cheng’s shoulder, smiling as he felt his cheek gently, shyly, press into his hair, “Now I feel as though I’m suddenly taking my first step.”


	5. Misunderstandings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all sorry for the long wait! I went on a trip to visit family and had to help them pack for their move last week but I'm back with a new chapter and as always, thank you for reading!
> 
> *flight attendant voice* We're cruising at a comfortable altitude through some fluff clouds but please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated for the duration of this chapter as we are expecting some hurt/comfort turbulence thank you !

For those that knew Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin, they knew him as a man of actions, a man of fury and a man of ruthlessness. They knew of him as the man who killed his beloved brother for the greater good, who’d taken and tortured those who dared to follow in those wicked footsteps, they knew him as a man who donned anger like a shroud and wore a scowl like the sky was blue. 

But for the few that knew him as Jiang Cheng, even now- though few and far between- knew that the mask was merely that, a mask, because it was easier to command respect through fear than compassion. But just because he did not show it in its typical depiction did not mean he was lacking in it, though many assumed so, which Jiang Cheng supposed was fine. He’d never been particularly good with people or opening up to them even when the situation required it, so the less people sticking their noses where they didn’t belong the better. And after the events at Nightless city, it was better this way, to retreat into the shell of his grief and pain fortified by the thorns of his ire to keep others out. To not let anyone, get so close again, lest he have his old wounds torn open once more. 

Even so, his face would slip so often, and between the cracks one could sometimes catch a glimpse of the man Jiang Cheng could have been in another life, the man he yearned to be before the choice was taken from him. 

True, if anyone had come across the Jiang Sect Leader as he thundered through the Cloud Recesses, jade token of passage hanging fittingly from Sandu’s pommel, they would think he seemed the same as he always did; Unapproachable, irritable and frightening. 

But those that knew him, knew what to look for within the grimace- the facade- would see the smooth lines of his downturned lips, the lack of a furrow upon his brow and the roundness of his eyes. They would see his expression as something unbearably _soft_. 

Jiang Cheng sped through the Cloud Recesses pathways as swiftly as proprietary would allow, racing silently against the daylight as the time slipped from the soft blues of the afternoon to the yellows, reds and purples of early evening. 

He’d gotten so easily swept into conversation with Lan Xichen, and he’d felt an unpleasant knot form in his stomach at the thought of leaving while tears still stained the other man's cheeks. So he’d stuck up another topic of conversation, assuming they were finished mediating for the time being. To which Lan Xichen seemed to agree, and the steady murmur of their voices continued as they crossed the threshold of the Hanshi and talked long into the day. Well past the time Jiang Cheng had allotted for their visit.

The result of their time together contained yet another unexpected turn of events, but this time Jiang Cheng had felt more prepared for the grief Lan Xichen hoarded. Jiang Cheng felt himself less like a dam this time- something the waves of Lan Xichen’s sorrow crashed against- and more like a steady current, something the surf could push and pull upon but would remain in the aftermath to bring Lan Xichen ashore. 

The thought coalesced itself in Jiang Cheng’s mind and he preened at the thought of being able to offer the other man comfort in this vulnerable time. Of course, he’d much rather none of this had happened and that his help wasn’t even necessary, seeing Lan Xichen aching and miserable- as he had been- hurt terribly. But to know that he was not alone, and that Jiang Cheng could provide that understanding, dull the throb of agony, was something that warmed his pride and his heart. 

But alas he was needed elsewhere, and his disciples would undoubtedly be noticing his absence, he rarely came back later than the times he specified, rarer still without notice beforehand. His heart ached with some unknown feeling the further he got from the Hanshi, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it as he crossed the barrier at the gate, mounted Sandu and left the Cloud Recesses behind. 

\------------

The presence of the Sandu Shengshou strolling around the Cloud Recesses became somewhat of a novelty during the fall and early winter months.

He walked the paths with a familiarity and ease, as though he was in his own home rather than someone else's, with the same kind of practiced but acquainted gait he’d use at Lanling. 

At first it was quite a shock, to no one's surprise, that the Jiang Sect Leader would come calling so regularly, and each time he presented his jade token of passage to new faces guarding the warded gate they’d allow him through with barely contained incredulity. 

But each time he arrived, the more the confusion and disbelief gave way to acceptance and in some cases, almost friendliness, and more often than not a guest room- _his_ guest room- remained in constant upkeep and preparation for nights that proved too cold to travel.

The elders and advisors of the Jiang Sect had not been too fond of the amount of time their Sect Leader was allocating to personal days at first. They haggled with him about his duties, fretted over the preparedness for winter, and needled him about where he was going; however, all it took was one glare and they never brought that inquiry up again. 

Though Jiang Cheng, never one to shirk his responsibilities, kept up with the onslaught of work admirably, although the fall and winter slowed business and undead alike, allowing him to placate the elders' worries over his assignments and continue his excursions. 

It certainly helped that after he returned from wherever it was, he would disappear too Jiang Cheng would be in a much more agreeable mood, eerily calm compared to his typical demeanor and much more persuadable. 

And so, his travels continued, typically bi-weekly, but sometimes two weeks in a row if it was a particularly difficult couple of days, and the Jiang Sect Leader would always return better than he left. 

The visits turn into a kind of respite for everyone involved, the disciples use the time to find night hunts and check in on the community, the servants would breathe a sigh of relief at having the time and space to clean thoroughly, the elders would whisper amongst themselves to decide what to propose to their amenable Sect Leader when he returned and Jiang Cheng- Jiang Cheng was simply pleased to have a friend to visit. 

Although the two Sect Leaders discovered they had much more in common than the leadership of their respective clans, their conversations rarely contained the humdrum of work. If inquired about his visits Jiang Cheng always had some kind of political or business-related excuse at the ready, but in the quiet of hanshi or the soft light of the forested garden, there were no such explanations. Nor was there the need for them. Their talks had long since strayed past the chains that bound Lan Xichen to the Hanshi and shackles that pinned Jiang Cheng to his work desk until the early hours of the morning. Instead, their visits consisted of anything other than Sect responsibilities and their shared guilt, alternatively, they talked at length about their likes and dislikes, silly stories and habits, or anything they’d found interesting in the world lately.

“I feel as though I’ve made a friend this morning.” Lan Xichen said on one such crisp afternoon.

They two men were sitting on the deck of the Hanshi, the doors were opened to allow fresh air in and for the two inside to look upon the tawny and rustic colors outside the pale walls. 

Jiang Cheng warmed his hands around the cup of tea curled in his fingers, the flavor one he’d become more and more familiar with since he mentioned sparingly that it was his favorite amongst Lan Xichen’s collection. “A friend?”

His companion made a small hum of confirmation. “Indeed. A small songbird I had never seen before. I assumed his flock rested here before continuing their migration and he was left behind, he approached while I was playing Leibing. Our duet was quite wonderful, I wish you could have heard it.” 

A small sound escaped Jiang Cheng around the lip of the cup. “If you enjoy birdsong so much you should come to Lotus Pier in the summer months. There are birds of all sorts, and you’d rise early enough to hear how loud it can get before daybreak.”

After a few moments of thick silence, Jiang Cheng chances a glance across the table to where Lan Xichen is looking at him with an expression of open surprise.

“What?” He grouses. 

Lan Xichen blinks at him. “Did you just invite me to Lotus Pier?”

The scowl he receives would have made a lesser man cower.

“Obviously!” Jiang Cheng snips with no real bite to it. “After you leave seclusion of course, but you’ve extended your hospitality to me-” He shakes the jade token at his hip for emphasis. “ -did you expect I wouldn’t extend the same? If you don’t want to or don’t have the time that’s its own matter but you’d be welcome either way.” He finishes with a grumble, willing the flush crawling up his neck away by force.

The smile he receives in response is radiant, Jiang Cheng’s heart throbs and he suddenly feels like he’s squinting into the sun. 

“I would love to.” 

The topic changed thereafter as the two returned their gazes to the outdoors. 

Their conversations would typically end and restart themselves this way, something that permitted a variety of topics and allowed both to speak their minds easily. One would offer a shy memory or interest and the other would answer it with their own and after the topic would change to something else in the same manner and the conversation would flow. It was thoughtless, instinctual, a state neither Sect Leader had the ability to be in except within the privacy of their own minds. 

It was no wonder that being able to be nothing other than human, not a Sect Leader, within each other’s presence was heady and addicting. 

It was precisely why Jiang Cheng found himself returning just four days after that morning, a meeting amongst his elders had gone south, leaving the Jiang Sect Leader particularly irritable and sour. He offered none of his typical politeness, storming through the warded gate with an angry countenance, barely having the decorum to flash his jade token before entering. 

He stomped down the stone paths of the Cloud Recesses, the leaves crunching loudly beneath his boots and drawing the stares of the nearby disciples who somehow drifted gracefully over the foliage. He paid them no mind and continued to grumble and curse under his breath as he followed the trails that were all but sealed into his memory after so long of crossing back and forth over the familiar lines of gravel.

He tramped up the steps of the Hanshi and stood on its patio, trying to even his breathing before knocking. It wouldn’t be his first unannounced visit, nor the first that had been so soon after the previous one, but while he had a lot of nerve, he wouldn’t just storm in a second time. He knocked with confidence and waited for the telltale shuffling of robes and the soft sound of socked feet padding over to let him in. 

What he didn’t expect was the muffled sound of voices and the thump and scuttling of someone moving too quickly followed by what sounded like a protest before the door was wrenched open-

And Wei Wuxian was staring at Jiang Cheng behind Mo Xuanyu’s face, looking equal parts surprised and afraid. 

Jiang Cheng could feel his jaw hanging open and he closed it with a click hissing out the name of the man who stood before him.

Zidian crackled venomously by his side.

This really wasn’t the day for this to happen.

Wei Wuxian was already raising his hands, palms forward as he attempted to scoot to the right of the doorway, most likely scanning for the quickest escape route. “Now, now Jiang Cheng, I can explain-” 

“I don't want your explanation!” Jiang Cheng shouted, using Zidian to block any path of retreat. “Who said you could just disappear after all the trouble you’ve caused! The cultivation world is in _shambles_ over your return and your actions, and you have the _nerve_ to elope and leave the rest of us to clean up your mess once more! You certainly enjoy running from the results of your hard work, don’t you?” 

Hurt surges across Wei Wuxian’s face for a moment and something sympathetic shudders through Jiang Cheng, knowing he’s being unfair after everything that’s been exposed but he can’t bring himself to care. 

“This time the least you could have done to pay back all that you’ve soiled is to _stay!_ Stay and fix the damage you caused rather than have the rest of us pick up the pieces in the aftermath. But that was never your first priority was it?”

It was at this point that Lan Wangji appeared in the doorway, the slight furrow of his brow the only indication he was less than pleased with Jiang Cheng’s words and volume.

“And you!” Jiang Cheng huffs, turning his ire towards Wei Wuxians now-husband, ignoring how the man instantly bristles in his periphery. “Your shameful elopement has left your brother to waste away by his lonesome while you were off galavanting doing who knows what! He was left here alone barely eating, sleeping, or living without proper intervention because of your Sects tradition. Have you no care for his wellbeing that you would abandon him at such a vulnerable time? How thick a face you must have, I almost envy you.” 

During the course of his tirade, Lan Wangji's face did not betray much to the Jiang Sect Leader but with the constant glances and paling face of his brother, he was obviously not unaffected. 

Jiang Cheng felt Zidian crackle with energy, fueled by his rage, it zinged up his arm and caressed the skin of his palm where his nails had dug crescents into the meat of his hand. 

Lan Wangji adjusted his white-knuckle grip on Bichen and Zidian crackled once more in warning, Jiang Cheng's knees bent ever so slightly in preparation.

A breeze swept through the group outside the Hanshi, rippling through the currents of energy that had yet to clash and disturbing the stillness of what was meant to be a place for reflection.

It seemed they were at a stalemate, neither wanting the risk of starting a fight but the weight of Jiang Cheng's words hung so heavy between them that a clash seemed unavoidable.

Wei Wuxian stood between the two, an unreadable expression on his face. He was just about to ready a talisman to try to distract the two of them enough to escape when a small sound drew everyone's attention. 

The door to the Hanshi was opened and Lan Xichen stood in the space, smiling as he always did in the face of wrath and contempt, though the expression seemed more like a grimace. 

“I feel as though I am interrupting something.” He mused. “Though I suppose you are the one’s arguing outside my door.” 

He took in the state of affairs with the familiar and careful neutrality that led him to this point, his eyes lingering on the slight furrow of Lan Wangji’s brow and the downturned curve of his mouth. Some kind of wordless understanding must have sparked between the Lan Sect Leader and the Yiling Patriarch as they made eye contact because Jiang Cheng felt himself flinch as his brother quickly crossed to his husband’s side. 

Lan Wangji’s eyes hadn’t moved from where he glowered at the Jiang Sect Leader and he still didn’t defer his gaze even as his elder brother addressed him softly, a testament for how thinly his patience was stretched.

“Wangji, I am sure you are tired from your journey. I implore you to get some rest and should you feel amenable I’m sure Uncle would be pleased to have your presence for dinner in the dining hall. However, should you wish to retire to the Jingshi tonight for the night to recover from your time on the road I’m sure no one would fault you.” 

Lan Wangji remained unmoving, and if it weren't for the steady clenching and unclenching of the freehand Wei Wuxian had trapped between his own Jiang Cheng would wonder if his Lan   
Xichen’s words had fallen on deaf ears. 

However, Jiang Cheng had too much pride to break eye contact first and something petulant rose in him at the thought of losing this challenge. So, he crossed his arms over his chest as they continued to glare hotly at each other. Zidian’s sparking had calmed to a warm thrum as the fiery temptation of rage cooled to a simmer within him, still ready for the slightest amount of kindling to reignite.

But after what felt like ages Lan Wangji finally jerked his head in a stiff and curt nod, taking his brother's dismissal for what it was, before grabbing his husband's wrist and nearly dragging Wei Wuxian away from where he was flitting about worriedly at his side. 

With the most immediate danger walking briskly up the stone paths towards the other side of the Cloud Recesses Jiang Cheng could finally focus his attention on the elder Lan, flushing at the hot sensation of shame from the slight frown aimed at him.

“Lan Xichen, I-”

“I am fine Sect Leader Jiang. However, I feel it impertinent that I tell you your anger towards my brother is unfounded.” 

Jiang Cheng froze for a moment, midstep towards the other Sect Leader, hand outreached now lingering in the air where it had nothing to make contact with before he dropped it limply to his side. The use of his proper title filled him with a hollow feeling and Jiang Cheng wanted to slap himself, foolish and angry for thinking, even for a moment, that Lan Xichen would take his side over his younger brothers. Instead, he rolled his eyes in disdain and recrossed his arms over his chest defensively. “Oh? Please enlighten me, Sect Leader Lan.” 

Lan Xichen to his credit didn’t make any indication that he noted the ice that slipped into the other man's tone and only gave him a small and ever-patient smile, one that made Jiang Cheng feel like baring his teeth like some kind of cornered animal. 

When no retort came he continued, “Forgive me Sect Leader Jiang, I mean no ill will, but although we went our separate ways after the events at Guanyin Temple wherein I entered seclusion immediately upon my return and Wangji and Young Master Wei spent their time together, I was not forgotten. I received many letters from my brother as he traveled, mindless things to keep me occupied and drawings made by Young Master Wei.” Lan Xichen paused at the sharp intake of breath Jiang Cheng took, reeling like he’d taken a physical slap.

“The letters.” He muttered, burning with mortification. “Lan Jingyi and Lan Suzhui brought them up to me the first time I visited; I’d forgotten them.”

Lan Xichen’s expression visibly softened, and he took a step closer as Jiang Cheng repressed the urge to run and never appear in front of Lan Xichen again. 

“Jiang Wanyin, though I appreciate your help and concern up to this point, I do not expect you to know the ways of the Gusu Lan, nor do I expect you to know of our grief. But Wangji knows of his own experience, his _own_ seclusion that the first few months are the most difficult. When you are most alone with your own hatred, your weaknesses, your failures, and your disappointment. And in that loathsome, painful time, the physical presence of family members who reflect that disappointment back at you whether knowingly or not, is oftentimes more painful than your own.”

At that, the Lan Sect Leader leveled his counterpart with an unreadable expression and Jiang Cheng felt the heckles of his anger rise in defense, feeling suddenly flayed and exposed under the scrutiny.

“We all grieve and experience separately, therefore what would others know of our pain. How it feels, how it tastes, can be something only known to the receiver. As well as how to manage it. I’m sure you know well, what I mean.”

Jiang Cheng lowered his eyes to the hands that somehow along the way had taken his right hand, brushing lightly over his knuckles and the edge of Zidian in a sweeping motion. The sparks had long since receded, but Lan Xichen swiped at it anyway, unafraid of the manifestation of Jiang Cheng’s most vulnerable emotions. 

“I don't need _you_ to tell me that.” Jiang Cheng muttered with no hint of his earlier fury.

Lan Xichen, gave the jab no attention, catching the statements double meaning and instead he leveled the Jiang Sect Leader with an unimpressed look. “I’m aware, but it seemed you may need a reminder. 

Jiang Cheng felt something like regret twist in his stomach, but Lan Xichen continued before he could embarrass himself any further.

“Returning to our initial topic of conversation, I won't ask you to apologize, but I do implore you to contemplate your words and anger more thoroughly in the future. While I appreciate your concern,” Jiang Cheng made some kind of sputtering noise that could be interpreted as some kind of dismissal. “I assure you that my brother cares for my wellbeing through his distance just as you have with your company, and although you are always welcome, perhaps it’d be best if you returned to Lotus Pier for the day. I feel myself incapable of entertaining any guests this evening.”

Something ugly and unsettled took root in Jiang Cheng’s chest at the dismissal and the more he took in the haggard appearance of the Lan Sect Leader; now leaning more obviously into the wall with dark circles under his eyes and the flash of his robe sleeves showing a wrist still thinner than it should have been; the more Jiang Cheng felt himself unwilling to leave.

But the pained and almost pleading look of a man who’d already had more wrong done to him than he deserved now having to deal with the temper tantrum of another Sect Leader on top of it all made him pause. The thought of ignoring the request and pushing Lan Xichen back into the Hanshi, forcing food down his throat and shooing him into bed at the threat of broken legs was entertained for a moment more before Jiang Cheng finally relented.

His shoulders slumped with the weight of their conversation and his actions as he bowed, mumbled some kind of overly polite farewell and not so subtly stormed back down the path he came. The distant and melancholy smile Lan Xichen gave him when he rose from his bow burned into the back of his eyelids. It was the same sad, placating smile he’d hid behind during Jiang Cheng’s first visit.

He _hated_ that smile

The newer juniors of Lan clan were unsure what to make of the sight that greeted them upon leaving their lessons for the day. They watched a bit warily from a distance as the notorious Sandu Shengshou paced anxiously in front of Hanguang-Jun’s place of residence. He’d been there for quite some time, every so often moving further up the walkway and raising his hand to knock before gritting his teeth and retreating further back and resuming his pacing in the trough of his previous steps; and so the cycle continued. 

Meanwhile the Jiang Sect Leader, oblivious to his spectators, stewed in the silence of his own frustration, anger, and guilt, the last of which left him feeling all the more enraged because it was _Lan Wangji_ he had wronged of all people. He’d rather bite and swallow his own tongue than apologize, and the unspoken suggestion to not do so continued to war against his stubborn pride within him. He could just leave, Lan Xichen seemed to believe it would be for the best, and especially after what he’d spat at Lan Wangji’s feet it was unlikely that even the reputable and distilled Hanguang-jun would acknowledge his presence for the foreseeable future, let alone allow him an audience. 

But Jiang Cheng was anything if not stubborn, and so he was trapped here in his own personal should he, shouldn’t he hell, fighting with himself to admit his wrongdoings to the last person in the world he would want to admit a mistake too. Aside from maybe Wei Wuxian. Regardless, he did have some dignity and good conscience, as shriveled as the rest of the world might have thought it was. So, he couldn’t leave the Cloud Recesses satisfied until he could at least offer some kind of olive branch with which Lan Wangji could do as he will. And so, he steeled his will once again and turned to the door readying himself to knock, for sure this time, when it slid open on its own, sending the stray juniors scrambling like rabbits behind him. 

Wei Wuxian walked out rubbing a hand over his face and looking much older than the body of Mo Xuanyu actually was. Upon seeing who stood at his doorstep the circles under his eyes almost seemed to deepen before he slipped on a smile that Jiang Cheng had finally learned to read as the one he used to hide his secrets. 

“Jiang Cheng,” He said, almost like a sigh, sounding exhausted. “I may be more or less used to your temper and vicious words by now, but Lan Zhan not only isn’t used to facing the brunt of it but he didn’t deserve it. You don’t have to be friends, or family, but I wish you’d at least respect him as my husband for my sake. This is a difficult time for us all, and for him-” 

“I know.” Jiang Cheng bit out. “I’m not here to cause myself anymore embarrassment, nor do you need to tell me the interpersonal struggle your Hanguang-Jun is going through. I spoke briefly with ZeWu-Jun and I’ve come too…. Admitmymisdeeds.” 

The last part of the sentence was so said so quickly and quietly that Wei Wuxian almost missed it, but as Jiang Cheng watched the words hit his brother and that stupid smile spread wider across his lips he couldn’t be so lucky. Fortunately, his brother seemed just as tired as he felt as he elected to keep his teasing to a minimum and schooled his expression to something more exasperatedly fond.

“Jiang Cheng, you’ve grown.” 

The Jiang Sect Leader felt himself snort in response, crossing his arms and scuffing his boot in the dirt. “Of course, I have enough honor to know when I’ve done wrong. Though I doubt your Hanguang-Jun would be willing to speak with me after, such an upset. I also have reason to believe my… _apology_ ,” he seemed to struggle to get the word out, much to Wei Wuxian’s glee. “would be better received if you were to tell him in my stead.” 

“That won’t be necessary.” 

Because of course, _of course,_ it would be Jiang Cheng’s shitty, horrible, the gods hate him, luck that Lan Wangji would materialize in the doorway behind Wei Wuxian the moment Jiang Cheng took his eyes away from him. Because of course, he would, he couldn’t just stay inside and save the Jiang Sect Leader some face, but perhaps he didn’t deserve it. After all, he’d said today, and who he’d said it in front of, the least he could do for upsetting the three most powerful people in the Cloud Recesses would be to allow some indignity. So he grit his teeth, straightened his back and bowed to Lan Wangji, lower than he ever had before, but only as deep as he pride would allow and not an inch more. 

“Hanguang-Jun, I came here too-” 

“I am aware of your purpose here Sect Leader Jiang, and as stated it is not necessary.” His tone was icy but not much more than usual, and he waited for the other man to raise his head before continuing. “I will not be so presumptuous to think you would understand or take the time to understand my ways, and though no offense was meant it is still taken. However, for Wei Ying’s sake, I am willing to look past this indiscretion if you make certain you remember your place in the affairs of the Gusu Lan. Wei Ying has married into our matters, but seeing as how you evade your relation to Wei Ying as much as you acknowledge him and hedge between the two I will not hesitate to remind you of your position.” 

It was the most Lan Wangji had spoken to him and Jiang Cheng could feel the outrage crawling up his throat, heating his skin in an angry flush, and from the look, Wei Wuxian was giving him it wasn’t subtle. And yet Jiang Cheng held his tongue and allowed the ridicule because he was still the one in the wrong. He was sure to take it out miserably on his disciples’ training later, but for now, he only thrust his head in some approximation of a nod. He stood stiffly with trembling white-knuckled hands as Lan Zhan inclined his head to Wei Wuxian to join him back inside and after a quick goodbye and some kind of assurance to visit in the coming month he skipped back inside, seeming to feel pleased with how the conversation had gone. 

Lan Wang Ji however paused in the entryway and Jiang Cheng felt the muscle of his jaw tick in anticipation. He’d put up with a lot of disgrace today but if there was something else the Second Young Master Lan wished to say to him, he wasn’t sure how much more he could withstand. Still, he met his eye with what he hoped wasn’t too much like a scowl and waited for the worst. 

So when Lan Wangji said “Although I am not yet ready to forgive you for several things of the past, I am willing to put this behind me if not for Wei Ying but for Xiongzhang... He’s better than he seemed in his letters. Your company is doing him well, and for that, I will say we are even.” You can hardly blame Jiang Cheng for being surprised.

He’d barely had time to make any sort of sound either in confusion or disbelief before the door was shut and he was left more puzzled than angry despite all the scorn he’d just been subject to. Hanguang-jun really was something else, he somehow managed to incite incendiary rage and aggravation through his disparaging comments but somehow in the same instance blanketed his fury by a compliment of some kind? Or the closest to one he’d ever get. If he didn't know better that could very well be the nicest thing that Lan Wangji ever said to him. 

Jiang Cheng stood dumbly outside the house for a few more moments before he turned and stalked out of the yard, feeling strangely better and worse in equal parts. He’s shame remained, as it would for a few more days, he’d made a fool of himself, and although his apology was accepted- albeit begrudgingly- the guilt remained. He knew how dearly Lan Xichen adored his brother and he’d misunderstood due to his own forgetfulness, said such careless things, and ruined their reunion. 

His steps paused as Jiang Cheng turned to look at the path that led to the Hanshi, filled with regret and tempted to run back to Lan Xichen’s door and beg for forgiveness, pray that he hadn’t messed up one of the most meaningful relationships he’d forged in a decade.

Lan Xichen hadn’t seemed upset with him, more worn than anything else, and Jiang Cheng owed it to him to trust he’d reach out once more when he was ready. So, with one final look to the trail that led to the place his heart ached to return too, Jiang Cheng turned down the path of his responsibilities.

It seemed they’d both had long days today, and longer ones to come, but Jiang Cheng was patient. 

For this, he could wait.


	6. Matters of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! This is a longer chapter for sureeeee, longest one so far and I think it might be my new favorite! I'm really pleased with the interactions and characterizations I've written here so it would mean a lot if you guys let me know what You think ^^  
> And as always thank you for reading!

_I have waited long enough!_

It had been a month since winter had descended upon the now quiet and slumbering Lotus Pier.

A month since the snowy peaks that cradled the Gusu Lan had been obscured by the curtains of snowfall.

A month since Jiang Cheng had flown from the pearl gates of the Cloud Recesses in a fit of anger and regret.

A month since he’d last seen or heard from Lan Xichen.

Jiang Cheng snarled, lips curling in a rage that could be directed at no one but himself, and somewhere within him, a deep yearning sadness made itself known, draping itself over his shoulders like it belonged there. Jiang Cheng hated that he knew the feeling well. 

He’d been pacing the courtyard of the training grounds for the better part of an hour, destroyed training equipment and splintered targets littered the field. Nearby the disciples tasked with cleaning the remains lingered in the shadows, too afraid to draw any closer until Jiang Cheng had vacated the area.

A quick shuffle of footsteps brought Jiang Cheng’s prowling to a halt, head whipping up as if tethered to the opening gateway. 

The courier who’d stood at the entrance seemed less surprised to see the Jiang Sect Leader striding toward him to collect the day's parcels then most, but that was hardly a surprise. Jiang Cheng had been collecting the mail personally for weeks now and he was a generous tipper, even if his expression was bordering on murderous.

The letters were exchanged for a piece of silver and the courier bowed as Jiang Cheng dismissed him distractedly. The disciples hidden in the shadows watched as their Sect Leader flipped through the envelopes almost frantically, and even at a distance, they could see the slump of his shoulders when he didn’t find whatever it was he’d been so earnestly searching for. 

There was no trace of the earlier fury in Jiang Cheng as he called over the closest disciples, instructing them to clean the training grounds in a somber tone more fit for mourning than their hot-blooded Sect Leader. 

Jiang Cheng could feel eyes on him as he left the training grounds, and the sensation continued as he traveled the paths of his ancestral home. The letters trapped in his grip were heavy with guilt and sadness and Jiang Cheng almost entertained the thought of throwing them into the frozen waters of the pier. 

But he didn't. He didn’t do anything other than continue to his quarters and locking himself behind its doors. 

Only then did he fling the letters to the ground, the caged anger of confusion and longing that had been muffled by disappointment roaring back to life. 

_I don’t understand, surely my apology wouldn’t have meant so little that it couldn’t mend our misunderstanding. It was my fault, I’d forgotten the letters, I recognized this and made amends so why is it I still haven’t heard from him since? Were my words really so venomous that I’ve even earned the hatred of Zewu-jun? Am I truly so despicable?_

Jiang Cheng’s frustration continued to mount as he stalked the expanse of his room, circling the low table in the middle of the space. He probably would have continued in that way if it wasn't for the keening sound of the clarity bell at his hip. 

The bell, as if sensing his distress, rang in sympathy and Jiang Cheng could feel the soothing ice of spiritual energy wash over him. His unease was far from abated but the fact he’d even earned the concern of his clarity bell means this had gone too far. 

He flung himself onto the bed, meaning to meditate or some semblance of it to ease the whirlwind of his thoughts when the bell at his waist rang with the movement. Jiang Cheng glanced down at it, the silver lotus gleamed in the midday light and the strips of the tassel clung to the fabric of his pants.

This clarity bell was one of the last remnants of Lotus Pier before the damn wen’s attacked; the bell, and himself. 

It’s always helped to clear his mind, not just because that was its purpose, but because in some strange way it was nice to know he wasn’t the only thing that remained, even if his only other companion was a bell.

Not to mention the clarity bells of the Jiang Sect are sought after for their healing and soothing properties, they are a great treasure, one known only to the members of the Jiang Sect and precious few outsiders.

Just like the jade token of the Gusu Lan. 

Inspiration struck like a lightning bolt and Jiang Cheng was out of his room and in the halls in a flash, grabbing the nearest disciple and demanding the five strongest clarity bells that could be found be brought to his quarters before sweeping out of Lotus Pier and into the streets of Yunmeng.

The typical hustle and bustle of the town was replaced with a much more hushed kind of scurrying. The kind that only resulted from snow on the ground and people wanting to spend the least amount of time outside as necessary. But business continued, people needed to make a living after all. 

The purple robes and fur-lined coat of the Jiang Sect Leader were hard to miss amongst the earth tones of the common people, and those who noticed them in their rushing bowed quickly, rubbing their hands together as they attempted to keep warm while standing still. 

Jiang Cheng would return their politeness with his usual demeanor and respect, keeping his face impassive even as the bitter wind whipped his cheeks and his eyelashes began to stick together. 

He wasn’t sure what it was he was doing here; the bells would suffice surely. But something drew him onto the streets, and he found himself searching for, well he didn’t know what. 

However, the dirt streets of Yunmeng themselves were a familiar comfort and Jiang Cheng found himself wandering down the sleeted pathways mindlessly. The fresh air and ambiguity of his errand were doing wonders for his racing mind and allowed him to meander plainly through the marketplace with little to no thoughts.

Woodworkers’ trinkets and feminine silks filled the stalls on either side of the street, and yet none of the items could keep Jiang Cheng’s attention for long. Although the craftsmanship of his people and the items were impeccable- pride filled Jiang Cheng at the thought- none of the chattels felt _right._

“Sect Leader Jiang!” 

The wind carried the sound of his name and Jiang Cheng turned towards the call, spotting an elderly woman behind a stall nearly obscured by the wide sweep of the awning above her.

Lu Min had been around since Jiang Cheng was young, still to this day insisting he call her grandmother rather than anything more appropriate. Not that he minded, this wasn’t the Cloud Recesses after all. The old woman was a fantastic weaver, the best in town, and even in her age her hands never shook. 

Jiang Cheng made his way to where the woman was waving him over, a kindly smile on her face. 

“Granny.” He bowed to her and she waved him off as he did so, one of the very few who dared. 

“Sect Leader, what are you doing wandering like a lost soul in the dead of winter? Your nose looks like it’s about to fall off with frostbite.” She tweaked the appendage and Jiang Cheng gave her a playful glare with no heat behind it.

“I’m looking for something.” He said.

“And what might that be?” 

The question was an obvious one, but it still caught Jiang Cheng off guard, and he lowered his eyes feeling somewhat silly. “I’m not sure.” 

The old woman's eyes sparkled with something knowing and she smiled. “A gift then?” 

Jiang Cheng blinked at her, “I suppose… I’ve angered someone I never meant too. They’re going through much and I feel like I’ve only added to the mountain of worries that pins them. I have something I plan to offer them, similar to a gift they’ve given me, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I came here seeking inspiration.” 

The smile on Lu Min’s face only seemed to widen and the mischief in her eyes smoothed to something much more fond.

Jiang Cheng could feel the heat rise to his neck and cheeks, inwardly cursing himself. He sounded like some kind of lovesick fool searching for an appropriate apology after an argument with his wife. 

Lu Min, bless her, did not pry or ask any more questions, instead, she beckoned him deeper into her shop. Jiang Cheng followed obediently, it was far from his first interaction with cryptic old women and something about the knowing look in her eyes had piqued his curiosity. 

“I’ll need a moment to find what it is _I’m_ searching for. Be a dear and throw some more logs into the fire, would you?” Lu Min said before hobbling off somewhere into a storeroom in the back.

Once more Jiang Cheng did as he was told, adding more kindling and stoking the fire to a cozy climate as Lu Min continued to rummage around in the back room. 

It had been some time since Jiang Cheng had been within Lu Min’s shop and he took the time to glance around. The walls were covered with intricate clothes and decorations commissioned for people from all walks of life, some hanging from forms in varying states of completeness. Decorative kites, chimes, belts, and tassels littered every surface, some more extravagant than others but all made with staggering attention to detail. 

Jiang Cheng felt a small surge of jealousy at the thought of someone able to have hands to create such things rather than hands that destroy. But they both retain the calluses of the path they chose to walk; this was his decision and he did not regret it. 

His inner musings are broken as Lu Min shuffles back into the room, an ornate box resting on her open palms, about two and a half incense sticks long. 

“This is something that belonged to my late husband. I’d made it long ago as a wedding gift, something we could use to mark our home and our union. He was of Gusu as I am of Yunmeng. Since he passed, I’ve put it away for safekeeping until the day it could fly freely again.”

She opened the box and inside was a beautifully crafted, funneled windsock.

The design was that of a whiskered koi fish, the vent at the fishes open mouth ending with the twin fins of its tail and the folded ends of blue, white, and purple ribbon hanging from the fins. Its scales were a purple and blue ombre, detailed and outlined by white. The ring of its eye was inset by a circle of purple jade, meant to purify and dispel negative feelings. Though old, the windsock was in pristine condition as if protected by the passage of time; it was stunning. 

Jiang Cheng was frozen, staring down at windsock and unsure what exactly he was meant to do with it until Lu Min all but shoved the box into his hands. 

“Madam I couldn’t possibly accept-”

Lu Min hushed him like she might a particularly unruly child. “I can tell by the look in your eyes it’s exactly what you were searching for, there is no use trying to hide it from me.” She chided. “Besides, it’s not meant to be sitting, gathering dust in my storeroom until the end of time. It’s meant to be in wind, freed of the confines of its casing but still tethered to something, to someone.” 

An image of Lan Xichen shackled to his room by the weight of regret and death came to Jiang Cheng’s mind and his fingers closed a bit more securely around the wood in his arms.

“At least allow me to pay you-” 

Another shushing sound. “I won’t hear of it. I’ve no child of my own but I’ve watched you grow and bloom amongst the lotus blossoms from a dirt-covered boy to our beloved protector and the Jiang Sect Leader. I could think of no one better to gift this too, and I’m certain whoever you intend to give it too will take care of it.” 

Jiang Cheng’s face twisted with a mar of emotions before settling on something that resembled compliant embarrassment. Lu Min laughed and tapped the lid of the box, snapping it closed in Jiang Cheng’s arms as if sealing a deal. 

“The only payment I require is that you return to this old woman and tell me what your someone thinks of this gift.” 

Heat flooded Jiang Cheng’s cheeks and he made to argue but something in Lu Min’s eyes told him that no matter how he tried to dismiss _that_ notion she’d already made up her mind on Jiang Cheng’s personal affairs. Instead, he hardened his expression and nodded stiffly before making for the door. 

Lu Min’s teasing laughter followed him into the street and the sharp sting of the wind brought Jiang Cheng to awareness like he’d been in some kind of trance for the last hour. He looked to the sky and noted it was still very early in the morning and would be getting colder still throughout the day. 

The box is a steadying weight in Jiang Cheng’s hands as his steps drag in the snow, deeper now than when he’d entire Lu Mins shop. Thankfully the snowfall was light today; 

_Maybe light enough to make a trip to Gusu._

He had the rest of his duties to attend to, but nothing that couldn’t wait until the evening. Of course, he’d have to return to Lotus Pier to alert his Sect he’d be gone a few hours, he should grab another layer as well- Gusu was known for the cold of its winter and heavy snowfall blanketing the ground. 

_I wonder if Lan Xichen has been eating well enough._

It had been a month since they’d seen each other and the thought of Lan Xichen slipping back into his old habits, refusing to eat, becoming a ghost of his former self, caused something angry and protective to flare within Jiang Cheng. 

He hadn’t received any letters stating so from when he’d demanded to be kept aware of Lan Xichen’s condition back during his first visit, so his worries were most likely unfounded. But they’d let it get to that point before, it was possible that it could happen again. Curse the unfounded rules and traditions of the Gusu Lan. 

Jiang Cheng adjusted his grip on the box from Lu Min and his steps quickened as his thoughts continued. He knew he was working himself up over most likely nothing, that Lan Xichen was angry and might not even want to see him, but still, the protective anger over Lan Xichen and frustration with himself for upsetting him easily drowned the echoing of his fear. 

_I wouldn’t be surprised if Lan Xichen’s frozen to death at this point. The fair of the Gusu Lan is bland and watery, not at all good for the harshness of winter. The man’s practically a skeleton as it is!_

Jiang Cheng marched through the gates of Lotus Pier, summoning the two disciples that waited by the door and demanding that they follow him. The two boys had to jog to keep up with their Sect Leaders swift pace as they traversed the twisting pathways of the pier. Jiang Cheng instructed them that he’d be gone a few hours and that they were meant to practice as usual before dismissing them to spread the word. 

With that taken care of Jiang Cheng continued on his own, grumbling distractedly under his breath as he all but kicked the door of the kitchens open. 

The cooks all startled, understandably so, and watched with wide eyes and bated breath as their Sect Leader tore off his outer robe, rolled his sleeves to his biceps and washed his hands, mumbling all the while. If they listened closely, they could hear small snippets and half-sentences along the lines of:

_-stupid Gusu, no one could survive the winter without proper nourishment._

_-who do they think they are, using cultivation to keep warm my ass._

_-have to do everything myself around here-_

And other such things. 

Jiang Cheng ignored the bewildered looks of those in the room as he allowed the familiar movements of chopping Lotus’, preparing broth and pinching spices quiet his eager mind. 

It was known to few that the Jiang Sect Leader could cook and was quite good at it. He enjoyed the easy flow of the movements and the trial and error of the craft, experimentation with a bit of this and a little of that. 

He couldn’t deny that the idea of lotus pork soup without pork was strange, but it would have to do, seeing as how those of the Gusu Lan didn’t eat meat. A tragedy really. 

Jiang Cheng allowed it to simmer, instructing those in the kitchen to put it in a pot made to travel and seal it with some heating talismans before adjusting his robes once more, grabbing the box he’d come in with and disappearing out the door. 

\------------

In the privacy of his room, Jiang Cheng reverently opened the box from Lu Min, carefully taking out the windsock and placing it delicately on the table. He then crossed to his desk where five clarity bells had been placed on a cushion. He selected three and sat back in front of the windsock. 

Carefully, _carefully_ , he attached the three bells to the ribboned tassels at the tail end of the fish, making sure he didn't disturb the work already present.

When he was satisfied with the result he focused instead on the jaded eye, taking a moment to infuse his own spiritual energy into the jade to make its healing properties more potent and then sitting back to admire his work. 

It would do. 

Pleased, Jiang Cheng gently wrapped the windsock back up, folding the bells and ribbon underneath the body of the fish so they wouldn’t be seen until Lan Xichen removed the fabric from the box. He stored the chest safely in a qiankun bag and on a whim, he moved back to his desk and took another bell, shoving it unceremoniously in his pocket before grabbing an extra layer and leaving his quarters.

Outside a disciple was holding the pot from the kitchens, poised to knock before the doors were thrown open before him. Jiang Cheng took the pot that was offered to him, the metal warm on his suddenly clammy hands. 

_He could do this. He could do this._ He chorused to himself, walking through Lotus Pier.

 _He could do this._ He echoed, mounting Sandu and taking off, pot in his hands, qiankun pouch heavy at his hip, apology on his tongue. 

_He could do this._

_He couldn’t do this._

Jiang Cheng was clutching a pot in front of the Hanshi feeling uncharacteristically paralyzed, hot shame and irritation rushing through him in equal amounts. He was here to apologize and make amends, but the thought of being rejected and sent away kept him from crossing to the door and announcing himself.

He paced in front of the building, snow crunching beneath his boots as he fretted. 

_I’m being ridiculous. The first day I was here I nearly kicked the door down and ignored all formalities, surely there’s more to my nerve than this._

“Jiang Wanyin?” 

Jiang Cheng hadn’t realized how much he missed the deep timbre of Lan Xichen’s voice calling him until now. 

He felt caught.

Jiang Cheng turned slowly, gripping the pot so tightly it was a wonder it didn’t crack under his hands.

“Lan Xichen.” He croaked. 

The brilliant smile Lan Xichen gave him somehow relieved him and infuriated him all at once and Jiang Cheng followed him past the doorway as Lan Xichen gestured him further inside. They settled at the table like nothing had changed and Jiang Cheng felt his irritation and insecurity rise once more. 

“Jiang Wanyin, I’m glad to see you. I was beginning to worry.” 

Jiang Cheng snorted. “I don't see why you’d be worried.” He said, coming out a bit more bitter than he meant it. He was here to apologize, there was no use getting worked up just because Lan Xichen was being hospitable. “I wanted to make sure you were eating properly.” He said, gesturing to the pot before taking bowls and spoons out of another qiankun bag. 

Another warm smile, one that crinkled Lan Xichen’s eyes and sent Jiang Cheng’s stomach fluttering. “That’s very kind of you. Although I assure you I’ve kept my promise to eat well, as I’m certain you would keep yours.”

“I can tell.” Jiang Cheng admitted, grazing Lan Xichen’s form a bit longer than a perfunctory once over. Strictly clinical of course. Lan Xichen’s body had regained its strength during their time apart, broad-shouldered and athletic one more. Not only that but the pallor of his skin had regained its pale glow and healthy flush. “You look good.” 

Lan Xichen’s eyes widened imperceptibly, and Jiang Cheng’s brain short-circuited. 

_What did I just..?_

“Well!” Jiang Cheng blurted, louder than he intended too. “Well, I mean. You look well. Healthy.” He stammered out unhelpfully.

_I am making a fool of myself._

However, Lan Xichen just smiled at him, a bit shyly this time, and that did strange things to Jiang Cheng’s heart, so he instead distracted himself by focusing on serving them both. He passed a bowl to Lan Xichen first before filling one himself, watching the other man through his lashes as he brought the spoon to his mouth to gauge his reaction. 

His eyes went comically wide and Jiang Cheng tramped down the urge to laugh. 

“This isn’t of Gusu, where-” 

Jiang Cheng did snort at that. “I would hope not. It’s not anything like my sisters cooking but I did learn a thing or two from her. Although I can’t say I’ve ever made pork lotus soup without the pork before.” 

Lan Xichen goes dangerously still, and Jiang Cheng can’t bring himself to meet his eyes, suddenly self-conscious. 

“You, cooked this? For me?” The questions were softly spoken, fragile, and hopeful.

“Of course. I couldn’t trust the food here would keep your strength up in the cold.” Jiang Cheng muttered, staring passionately at a wooden plank on the floor beside the table. 

A soft hand cupping his forced Jiang Cheng’s eyes up to Lan Xichen, who was looking at him with an expression that couldn’t be anything other than fond.

“It’s wonderful. Thank you.”

Jiang Cheng responded with a dismissive noise and they finished their meal in comfortable silence.

After the bowls were cleared and both men were basking in the soft afterglow of their meal, sated and a bit drowsy, Lan Xichen looked to Jiang Cheng who was wringing his hands nervously. “You look as though there is something on your mind.” He prompted. 

Jiang Cheng huffed- frustrated, and unsure- before pulling the box from the qiankun bag and settling it on the table in front of Lan Xichen. 

“This is…?” 

“An apology.” 

When Jiang Cheng made no attempt to elaborate Lan Xichen pulled the chest from its neutral position between them and opened it.

A barely audible gasp echoed through the stillness of the room as Lan Xichen pulled the Koi fish windsock from the box and another choked sound as the clarity bells swung from its tail, ringing true in the quiet of the room. 

Lan Xichen’s silence was stifling, and Jiang Cheng feared he may crumble under it. “You always seem most at peace when you’re meditating in the garden. I thought I might give you something to help you during those times when you feel you may drown under the weight of, everything, as well as something you can have outside. I’m sure I don’t need to explain the use of the clarity bells, and I hope they can be of some use to you.”

Jiang Cheng then shoved his hand in his pocket, grabbing the other bell he’d taken and thrusting it out to Lan Xichen. “And this one for when you’re far from home.”

Lan Xichen took the proffered bell with some kind of reverence, still looking equal parts awed, cowed, and absolutely bewildered, staring at Jiang Cheng like he was something precious. 

It made his skin crawl with something he didn't understand. 

Lan Xichen continued to stare at him, and Jiang Cheng could feel himself growing more and more uncomfortable under his scrutiny. He was moments from snapping at him in an attempt to alleviate the pressure of his gaze when the other man finally spoke. 

“Oh, Jiang Wanyin, it’s _gorgeous_. I’m, I have no words I don’t know what to say. Of course, I want to accept your generosity but, I can’t morally accept these without knowing what you think you need to apologize so extensively for.”

Jiang Cheng gaped at him. “Lan Xichen, I haven’t heard from you since I last visited and made a fool of myself, disrespecting both you and your brother. Are you not furious with me?”

Jiang Cheng could feel his own anger rise as the confusion on Lan Xichen’s face cleared to something that too closely resembled pity. “Jiang Wanyin, I was never angry with you. I thought _you_ needed time to collect your thoughts, especially since Wangji has returned with Young Master Wei.” 

Something closely resembling a growl escaped Jiang Cheng and he jumped to his feet, pacing the floor like a caged animal. “You _should_ be angry with me.” He seethed. “I made an embarrassment of myself and trampled over your hospitality before storming off like a child. You have every right to be angry with me, you _should_ be.” 

Lan Xichen rose to his feet as well, blocking Jiang Cheng’s path and grabbing his wrists, effectively stilling him, and thumbing sweetly over his fluttering pulse. “Is this what you’ve been thinking over this past month?” 

Jiang Cheng’s silence answered for him. 

A tittering noise escaped Lan Xichen. “Oh, Jiang Wanyin. I could never fault you for a misunderstanding driven from worry. You were concerned about my well-being, and I’m sure seeing Young Master Wei so suddenly confused and upset you in a way that your emotions rose and you said some things you didn’t mean. Not only that, but Wangji told me you did go and apologize to him before leaving. I know you regret your actions. So why would I hold that against you?” 

Jiang Cheng huffed, frustrated at the ease of Lan Xichen’s forgiveness, and how much he wanted to sink into it. “That doesn’t excuse my actions.”

“Perhaps. But it is still my decision to forgive them, and now, it is your turn to forgive yourself.”

Jiang Cheng grimaced, obviously displeased but thoroughly beaten. 

“I am also guilty in this.” Lan Xichen said after a moment. “If I’d reached out perhaps this could have been solved sooner. I’m sorry.” 

Jiang Cheng dismissed the apology, muttering that they were both idiots and Lan Xichen laughed. They remained standing, Lan Xichen’s hands still wrapped loosely around Jiang Cheng’s wrists and he made no move to remove them just as Jiang Cheng made no attempt to pull away.

After a few moments, Jiang Cheng nodded to the box where the windsock and clarity bell lay flat beside it from where Lan Xichen had been studying them. “Will you still accept them?”

Lan Xichen’s smile was radiant, nearly blinding from this close-up. “If you would allow me.” 

“Do you like the windsock?” 

“I _adore_ it. I have already decided on the perfect spot.” 

Relief flooded Jiang Cheng and he was secretly grateful Lan Xichen had settled on holding his wrists so he couldn’t feel how sweaty his palms had gotten. He offered Lan Xichen a wobbly smile and somehow the corner of the other man’s eyes crinkled even further.

“If it helps ease your heart a bit, I’ve not been idle over these last few weeks.” Lan Xichen offered after a few minutes. “Although I regret not reaching out to you sooner I have been very busy so I did not neglect you purposefully. Instead, I have exciting news.”

Jiang Cheng raised a brow. “Oh? Do tell, Sect Leader.” 

Lan Xichen schooled his expression to something more serious, but there was an excited sparkle behind his eyes that had Jiang Cheng swaying imperceptibly toward it.

“With Wangji’s help, I am pleased to announce I will be leaving seclusion at the end of spring.”

The whoop that echoed through the Hanshi was louder than what was appropriate in the Cloud Recesses but there was little time to focus on that before Jiang Cheng had swept Lan Xichen into his arms- spinning them both with a laugh at the surprised squawking sound Lan Xichen made. 

“That's great news!” Jiang Cheng said, delighted. 

And then he froze. 

The weight and warmth of Lan Xichen in his arms was new, and terrifying. Jiang Cheng dropped him to his feet, embarrassment tinting his cheeks ruby red. 

Lan Xichen swayed forward, looking dazed and charmingly flushed. 

“Sect Leader Lan I-”

“Jiang Wanyin,” Lan Xichen interrupted softly, halting Jiang Cheng’s internal meltdown. “Just because I am not accustomed to physical contact does not mean I am averse to it.”

A harsh exhale. “I, I see. That is good.” 

Lan Xichen reached up, lightly brushing the fabric on his biceps where Jiang Cheng had held him. Jiang Cheng tracked the movement, feeling something more tender than embarrassment bring warmth to his cheeks and neck. 

“It has been some time since I’ve been hugged in any way. It was nice. A comfort I didn’t know I needed.” 

Jiang Cheng nodded dumbly, his head felt like it was filled with cotton and his tongue leadened. “The same for me.”

“Will you allow me to be selfish Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Xichen’s voice was sultry and low, the curved sweep of his lashes over his pale skin was unfairly distracting and Jiang Cheng was struck not for the first time with how beautiful the eldest jade of Lan was.

“Of course, Lan Xichen.” 

Lan Xichen gave him another brilliant smile and took a step closer, allowing Jiang Cheng plenty of time to refuse, to change his mind and step back.

But he didn't, the anticipation was so great Jiang Cheng was nearly trembling with it and he gasped softly as the smooth slide of Lan Xichen’s sleeves drifted over his lower back.

Jiang Cheng was a boy once; he was no stranger to physical contact. Wrestling with others his age, slapping and fighting one another in the rivers of Lotus Pier, cramming shoulder to shoulder into a boat in the dead of night to steal from the Lotus pond downriver, these things were nothing new to him.

But _this_ was new. These tender touches, as if _he_ was made of jade, like he was something precious. It began his shuddering anew. 

No, Jiang Cheng was no stranger to the physical contact of boyhood and war, but he knew nothing of the gentle touches of a lover, nothing of the ruffling of a proud parent.

“Are you alright?” 

The question, carefully spoken and intimately close, brought Jiang Cheng back from wherever he’d been, and he realized that he’d been standing stiffly in Lan Xichen’s arms as if frozen in time. 

Lan Xichen made to move back, and Jiang Cheng panicked, fisting the robes at Lan Xichen’s sides and hiding whatever expression he was making in his shoulder, too anxious to bury his face in the hollow of the other man's throat. His hands were shaking. 

“I’m alright.” 

The humming noise Lan Xichen made vibrated through him into Jiang Cheng and the light pressure of it broke something within the Jiang Sect Leader so he all but melted, allowing himself this moment of weakness.

“Jiang Wanyin.” Lan Xichen began after a moment. “Will you allow me another selfish request?” 

Jiang Cheng made an indignant sound into Lan Xichen’s shoulder, displeased at the ruining of the soft atmosphere he’d finally allowed himself to bask in. He could feel Lan Xichen’s laughter in the shake of his shoulders and hum of his voice. 

“You once invited me to Lotus Pier. I was intending to take a personal leave if you will, before I overtake my Sect responsibilities. I would like to reacquaint myself with the world after so long away before I am put in a position to make decisions for the betterment of it. I thought since Yunmeng is between many territories, privy to news from traveling cultivators and close among the common people, it may be a good place to start. Not only that, but I’ve heard the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader is quite well respected and admirable, perhaps I may learn a thing or two from him.” 

There was an admonishing huff into his shoulder before Lan Xichen felt Jiang Cheng pull away to face him and he had to stow his disappointment that gone was the fragile Jiang Wanyin from moments before and back was the Jiang Sect Leader. 

However, with the barely contained twinkle in his eye and something too soft to be a smirk stretching his lips it was obvious he was delighted at the idea. 

“The Yunmeng Jiang would be honored to have the Sect Leader of the Gusu Lan stay with us for however long he pleases. And I’m sure if asked nicely the Jiang Sect Leader could spare some moments for you.” 

Lan Xichen’s song like laughter filled the Hanshi and Jiang Cheng felt something warm and honey-sweet fill him from the inside out before he chased the sensation away, still more than a bit raw. He’d let the mask slip and it felt like more than enough vulnerability for one day. 

“I should be going. I left my Sect in a hurry and there’s still much to be done with not much time left in the day.” 

Lan Xichen collected himself and nodded, laugh lines still dimpling his cheeks. “We can discuss the details at a later date. Can I expect to see you more often?”

Jiang Cheng made an affirmative sound, crossing his arms. “I wouldn’t have stopped coming if it wasn’t for-” He made a vague gesture. 

“Ah, then all the better we are once again on equal ground.”

Jiang Cheng met Lan Xichen’s eyes, taking in what details of his face he could; The awning of his eyelashes over his hooded fawn irises, the elegant curve of his nose and delicate bow to his lip, down to the cut of his jaw and pale column of his neck. 

_Gorgeous_.

“All the better.” Jiang Cheng agreed, voice hoarse. “Take care of the bells.”

“I will treasure them.”

“See to it that you do.” 

Lan Xichen saw him outside with the promise to write him a more formal plan about when to expect his leave from seclusion and the time he’d spend in Lotus Pier. Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng told him he could write it, but he would probably be back to pick it up himself, which earned him another devastating smile.

They said their goodbyes at the threshold and once he was out of sight it was all Jiang Cheng could do not to collapse on the ground. 

His knees were wobbly, and his ears were burning. It was a miracle he could face Lan Xichen at all. 

“What the hell is wrong with me?” He snapped, like his unruly body would answer him. 

To think he was reduced to this, the fearsome Sandu Shengshou leaning against a tree for support after having gone weak-kneed from something as simple as a hug. No matter it had been more than a decade that he’d had any kind of physical affection other than a young Jin Ling clinging to his knees, he was better than this.

 _It was nice though._ The unhelpful part of his brain reminded him. _Something both you and Lan Xichen seemed to need. Why not allow yourself this?_

_You know why!_

The snap of a twig nearby. 

Weak knees forgotten Jiang Cheng was suddenly on high alert, spreading the tendrils of his spiritual energy into the surrounding area. “Whoever you are, show yourself.”

A cautious hand appeared on the trunk of a tree nearby and Jiang Cheng felt any part of his remaining good mood dissipate like mist. 

“Wei Wuxian.” 

“Jiang Cheng.” 

Many different emotions warred across Wei Wuxians face and Jiang Cheng could feel the unease, the fear, and the guilt wafting off him like a thick fog, but there was a strange kind of determination in it as well. “What do you want?” 

Wei Wuxian sighed like Jiang Cheng was the problematic one between them. “Hopefully to talk.” 

“What do you expect me to say to you?” Jiang Cheng demanded before storming off down the path that led around the Cloud Recesses.

“It’s more or less what I want to say to you.” Wei Wuxian amended, stubbornly following. 

“I don’t want to hear it.” Jiang Cheng snapped. 

Thankfully Wei Wuxian didn’t push the subject, but he didn't leave either, just as Jiang Cheng didn't chase him away. Instead, they continued down the path together with Jiang Cheng leading and Wei Wuxian a couple steps behind and to his left. It seemed like neither of them were ready for Wei Wuxian to be at his side. 

“It seems you took my advice after all,” Jiang Cheng said bitterly, breaking the tense silence. “You did end up staying and making the Cloud Recesses your home.”

Wei Wuxian sighed again, he seemed to be doing so more often than not. “Jiang Cheng… I didn’t know I could go back.”

“You never should have left.” Jiang Cheng snaps in response. 

“What then?” Wei Wuxian demands, uncharacteristically frustrated. He stops walking, Jiang Cheng does as well but doesn’t turn to look at him. “Leave those innocent people to die? Jiang Cheng, even if I could have lived with their blood on my hands, even though I _do,_ what would people have said about a demonic cultivator in your ranks? I left the crowded road long before,” He says and Jiang Cheng flinches. “But you had your reputation, your Sect to maintain, and they would have found any manner of reason to hunt me.”

“Their talk mattered and matters little to me.”

“But it matters to _me.”_

Jiang Cheng scoffs. “Always playing the hero, so much more righteous than all us commoners aren’t you? When will you decide enough is enough?!” 

Jiang Cheng’s shouting and he knows it's not appropriate, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“You know that’s never what it was.” Wei Wuxian responds evenly. 

“Isn’t it though?” Jiang Cheng hisses, rounding on his estranged brother and clutching the robes over the pulsing core that ties them to each other. His most precious treasure and despicable gift. “Haven’t you done enough?! Why can’t you just _stop_ for once in your life and consider yourself in your actions? Why, why did you do this?”

The look on Wei Wuxian’s face is that of someone much older than the two of them, something ancient and knowing. It was a sad expression. 

“You know why.”

And Jiang Cheng hates that he does. 

\------------

They continued around the Cloud Recesses, or at least Jiang Cheng did. Wei Wuxian was more or less sticking to him whether he wanted him to or not. 

“I’m sorry.” He said after a while.

“For what?” Jiang Cheng snipped. “For saving me? Giving up your golden core? Escaping the burial mounds by harnessing resentful energy? Protecting the Wens? Dying? Coming back to life? Don’t kid me, we both know you’d make the same decisions.”

Wei Wuxians silence spoke volumes and Jiang Cheng cursed himself for not having the ability to speak to him without sounding like a petulant child. Not that he made it easy. 

“For breaking my promise.” Wei Wuxian murmured after a while, so low it would’ve been missed had Jiang Cheng not been listening for it. “For leaving you alone with Lotus Pier, with Yunmeng… With Jin Ling.” 

“But you did.” Jiang Cheng seethed. “You knew what you were doing, what you were breaking, when you made those choices and you still made them.” 

“I didn’t mean for it to end that way!” 

“What other way could it have gone?!”

Jiang Cheng was panting with excretion and when he turned to glare at Wei Wuxian he looked no better, also short of breath.

The face that looked back at him was a strangers, but it's mannerisms were all too familiar and Jiang Cheng couldn’t stand to look at him. He turned away, simultaneously wanting to run from the silver eyes trained on him and wanting to turn and hug him? Punch him? Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure anymore. 

“Jiang Cheng...” 

A hand on his shoulder. Somewhere Jiang Cheng distantly registered he was shaking.

“Wei Wuxian.” He sighed, suddenly exhausted. “The destruction of Lotus Pier, the deaths of my parents, I know they are not your fault.”

The hand on his shoulder tightened but Jiang Cheng continued resolutely staring away. 

“The Wen’s were looking for any reason to attack, and Yunmeng is between many Sect territories. It was a strategic decision; your actions were merely an excuse to attack and if it wasn’t you, it would have been any other reason. Lotus Pier was both a demonstration, and a calculated step towards increasing their power. As for jiejie,” A choked sound. “She died protecting you, and I can't deny that as her final wish just as I can’t forget the events leading up to that night, _why_ that sword was aimed at you.”

Jiang Cheng twisted out of Wei Wuxian’s grip, turning towards him but still staring away from him.

“I know all this, and yet I can’t stop blaming you for them. It may be unfair, especially as Jin Guangyao’s plot has unfolded, but I’ve spent too long carrying this hate and it’s not so simple to forgive you after all this time. I may never.” 

Finally, Jiang Cheng did look over to meet Wei Wuxian’s gaze, and was surprised to see that along with misty eyes his brother looked shockingly happy, like he hadn’t expected to be met halfway. Perhaps he hadn’t. Jiang Cheng had surprised himself with this as well. 

Wei Wuxian huffed something like a disbelieving laugh. “Forgiveness is one of the biggest strengths and weaknesses a person can have. But in this second life, there's still time to build around broken glass. Jiang Cheng, I’m not so conceited to ask forgiveness of you, nor do I expect it, but would you allow me to visit Uncle Jiang, Madam Yu and shijie in the ancestral hall?”

Jiang Cheng sniffed, crossing his arms and turning away. “Do you think I tracked you for thirteen years trying to drag you back to Lotus Pier to _not_ have you bow in front of my family?” 

Wei Wuxian’s laugh was bright, and he hurried to match Jiang Cheng’s pace as he stalked away, not quite next to him, but a few paces closer.


	7. Adjusting to Society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THE ADDITIONAL PANIC ATTACK TAG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone sorry for the big delay in this chapter but I found some difficulty in picking up writing again over this last week.   
> Now it’s not that I intend to stop writing this story or give up on this story, because frankly I love it too much to stop writing it, as well as I’ve put hours upon hours of work planning, writing and rewriting scenes and ideas for this huge undertaking. And I LOVE this story. I love these characters and those of you who love and support it as well encourage and inspire me so much to keep writing it the best I can with your comments and kudos and just wonderful support.   
> So the reason I was struggling with this story was, something came to my attention that really discouraged and hurt me and I was trying hard to get into it again and I just wasn’t motivated.   
> I check everything about my work for feedback because thats my driving motivation thats why I love doing this, and that includes bookmarks.  
> So it really hurt me when I saw someone tag this story as LWJ bashing and WWX bashing.  
> When this fic first of all has NOTHING to do with them. They are plot devices and background characters/supporting cast at best. Not to mention I LOVE LWJ and WWX I love them so so much as characters I love this series I adore MDZS and all it entails so that really hurt and frustrated me because I didn’t think anything I wrote in this story bashed ANYONE (expect meng yao and even then I try to be gracious) and that made me really frustrated and upset.   
> Its BECAUSE I love them and this series this fic exists and this isnt even about them or their story this is a Xicheng fic. And I even was making a point to write reconciliation arcs and brotherly bonding and relationship mending in it so that shit sucked to see.  
> If anything I just tried to write them and their reactions to characters and situations as they would be in canon, and I guess just because I didn’t imply that “love means you can ignore questionable decisions” that somehow qualifies as indiscriminate hating and insulting a character somehow?? I don't know but it was really discouraging to see regardless. And it’s because these characters are so morally gray scale and because of the questionable decisions they make for the right ? reasons makes them fantastic and interesting and dynamic and thats what I LOVE about this series. But I guess even implying that was problematic? Idk..   
> BUT anyway I’m sorry for the bigass rant I just had to get it off my chest. Idk who can see bookmarks and whatnot but please don’t harass this person or anything, I mean if anything I wish I could block or delete the bookmark but unfortunately I guess its there to stay. But this story will continue as planned and I hope you all continue to enjoy and tell me what you think! Thank you :)

The day Lan Xichen was meant to arrive in Yunmeng the Jiang Sect was awash with circling maids and scrambling disciples. It was a very important day after all, the Jiang Sect Leader had demanded all hands on deck nearly two days ahead and since has demanded the top and bottom of the place be scrubbed like they were hosting a discussion conference. 

That being said, chaos ensued, and the poor staff of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect were nearly drowned by laundry, washing and any other manner of chore their Sect Leader deemed necessary. 

“Raise those banners higher! Ha Xuan, straighten those silks hanging along the banisters!”

Jiang Cheng was shouting instructions from where he stood in the courtyard. They should be heading to the pier, but his nerves were making him nitpicky. Sometimes he couldn’t understand why these kids decided to follow him, but he was grateful for their hard work regardless.

He made a mental note to reward them appropriately once Lan Xichen was properly settled.

“Alright, alright that’s enough, we should be on our way. Fall into formation!” 

His disciples easily fell into step as Jiang Cheng’s robes billowed out behind him, tugged by the winds of summer. It was one of his fancier sets, reserved for special occasions.

It had already been about a week since Lan Xichen had officially left seclusion, the official announcement to the cultivation world had gone out a month before and the major Sects rejoiced at the return of the beloved Zewu-jun. 

And who could blame them? Despite what they may say behind closed doors, everyone knows it is best to have someone as powerful, diplomatic and respected as Zewu-jun as an ally. They were right of course, but it wouldn’t be so easy to slip into the Lan Sect Leaders good graces anymore. 

Which is why it pleased and confused Jiang Cheng that out of anyone, Lan Xichen had bared himself to  _ him. _ Perhaps it was his blunt nature that left nothing to be desired and lack of filter, but regardless of why it satisfied something in Jiang Cheng, cooling and heating him in equal measure. 

It’s why after the letter of Lan Xichen’s leave from seclusion and the disclosure of his impending visit to Yunmeng that Jiang Cheng couldn’t help but send out his own doctrine; specifying that Lan Xichen was to be his guest in an attempt to reacclimate himself to the outside world and in doing so any visiting Sect Leaders that tried to bother him would be promptly seen out of Lotus Pier. 

Lan Xichen, of course, had seen it and proceeded to tease him relentlessly during the last visit Jiang Cheng had while Lan Xichen was still in seclusion. 

Jiang Cheng shook himself as they headed through the crowded market, blaming the warmth on the back of his neck on the harsh sunlight that marks the beginning of the summer months. 

The common folk cleared the path quickly as Jiang Cheng led his small procession through stalls, they watched wide-eyed and open-mouthed as they marched by. It wasn’t uncommon to see the Jiang Sect Leader and any number of his disciples strolling through the streets of Yunmeng, but to be dressed so royally and with a group it was obvious it was for something of importance. 

Jiang Cheng ignored the looks for the most part, nodding where it was appropriate, but he hurried to the pier and was grateful that it was still empty when they arrived. 

He fiddled with Zidian, twisting it on his finger in a way that was more unconscious than threatening. 

Now all that was left to do is wait. 

The waters of Yunmeng were beautiful. 

Lan Xichen couldn't help but admire the abundance of Lotuses in bloom, sunshine danced along the rippling waves of their boat as they cut through the water.

It was about midmorning and the sleepy midst of the river, heated by summer sun, enshrouded their vessel, leaving all it came in contact with it kissed by dew drops. 

The sigh that escaped him was a pleased sound, Lan Xichen felt tranquil in a way he had thought lost to him and he allowed himself a subtle moment to bask in the feeling.

A presence came to his side, but he kept his eyes closed, not quite done relishing the comforting sun warmed mist and smell of Lotus flowers.

“Xiongzhang…”

“Wangji.” Lan Xichen turned to him, a smile on his face. They came easier to him lately. “You didn’t have to accompany me, you know. I am certain the attending disciples could make their own way home.” 

The soft furrowing brow and tightening mouth of his younger brother spoke volumes. 

“I appreciate your concern. I know I am no longer the Sect Leader and older brother who has watched you grow, but I am also not the broken man who entered seclusion nearly a year and a half ago. Many of those changes stem from Jiang Wanyin, I know you know this.”

A deeper furrow of the brow this time, Lan Wangji’s mouth was but a thin line. “Xiongzhang.” 

“Wangji.” Lan Xichen said, only slightly scolding. “I know your feelings regarding Jiang Wanyin are less than favorable but if you refuse to trust him at least put your faith in me. This is my decision after all.”

The softening of Lan Wangji’s features came as a surprise, he looked so much younger this way; widened eyes, softly parted mouth. Lan Xichen could feel his struggle to put together his muddled thoughts.

“About Jiang Wanyin, my feelings are as you say. I feel bitterly towards him for his past actions, but his attempts at betterment confuse my judgement.”

Lan Xichen was certain his own puzzlement showed plainly on his face at Lan Wangji’s unforeseen admission. 

In response Lan Wangji’s own expression hardened, mild frustration in the tightening at the corner of his eyes. 

“When Wei Ying returned after they spoke and told me Jiang Wanyin’s words I felt… I felt guilt.” 

_ Oh Wangji.  _ “You feel it unfair to him to hold onto your grudge after he and Master Wei are attempting to move past it. Am I correct in my assumption?” 

There was an imperceptible clenching of Lan Wangji’s jaw before he answered with a terse and stiff nod. 

“Wangji, to want to forgive Jiang Wanyin for his actions does not mean the grief and anguish you’ve carried all this time will be for nothing. If anything, it will strengthen your relationship with Wei Ying, allowing you both to forgive the past so you can finally begin to heal with your beloved once again by your side.”

Lan Xichen placed a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder, squeezing softly. 

“ _ Didi _ , your pain will remain an important part of your past, but it is time to lay your regrets to rest.”

His brother seemed to slump under the diminutive and Lan Xichen couldn’t help but see the small boy who would sit in the snow waiting for the opening of a door that would remain closed forever. 

And then he straightened, Hanguang-jun once more, but when he turned to look at Lan Xichen there was something unmistakably soft in his eyes.

“Jiang Wanyin is someone worthy of respect, he’s done well with Lotus Pier, the Yunmeng Jiang Sect and the raising and training of Jin Ling. His tenaciousness, sharp wit and tongue are admirable, something I find myself lacking. It is for these reasons and that he has done well by you and is attempting the same for Wei Ying that I intend to move forward.” 

Lan Xichen knows he is smiling more than is typically appropriate and the redness of Lan Wangji’s ears only makes him grin all the more.

“Wangji, I am exceptionally happy for you in making this decision. There are many of us attempting to take our first steps off these paths we’ve come to know after so many years; paths of grief, self loathing, misplaced trust. But it is only by diverging from these pathways built of grudges and regret that we may come into the light. I wish you all the happiness you deserve from the one by your side and from yourself.”

The smile Lan Wangji graced him with was merely a small tilt at one side of his mouth but it's true brilliance shown through his eyes and Lan Xichen returned the warmth. 

And then the spell of the mist was broken as the boats breached the other side of the cloud, drifting into the daylight. It felt reminiscent of coming out on the other side of a dark cave, Lan Xichen silently hoped the feeling could last forever, if not for himself then at least for Wangji’s sake. 

The sky was a clear blue, a cloudless expanse that yawned lazily over the horizon, the forest surrounding the river was lush and green with the dappling of pink lotus flowers and the bursting colors of sunset-hued flora. Few other boats dotted the peerless waters of Yunmeng and there, standing amidst the blazing colors was the purple of the Yunmeng Jiang. 

Lan Xichen caught himself on an inhale, apparently loud enough to warrant a wayward glance from Lan Wangji. 

Jiang Wanyin was easy to spot amongst the collection of purple robes gathered even though he was facing away from them, only his profile was visible as he addressed those, he’d brought to greet the arriving party. 

He was  _ radiant. _

Adorned in varying shades of violet and gold, touched by the bittersweet glow of sunlight and softened by the relaxed fall of his mouth, Jiang Wanyin was devastating. 

Then someone must have informed him of their approach because Jiang Cheng turned, scanning the waterfront for their boat before they locked eyes. 

The moment felt like it stretched into hours and Lan Xichen knew that he’d be content to remain in this strange limbo for the rest of his days. 

And then Jiang Cheng smiled. 

Lan Xichen felt like diving into the cold waters below and screaming into the depths with the fish as his only witnesses.

His smile was blinding, and Lan Xichen was both grateful and tormented that he hadn’t been able to see it closer. The soft crinkling laugh lines of his eyes, the slight wrinkle to the bridge of his nose, the pink of his stretched mouth and the molten amber of his sunlit irises would delightfully haunt him for his remaining years.

But as quickly as it appeared it was gone and Lan Xichen wasn’t sure if it was because of those gathered behind him or the sight of Lan Wangji at his side, whose gaze on him felt like a tangible weight.

Lan Xichen offered Jiang Wanyin a smile of his own, bigger than he intended but it seemed they were both excitable today, and as the boat approached the dock Lan Xichen was content to watch the other man even after he’d turned his back to them once more. 

Thankfully Lan Wangji refrained from saying anything but there was a strange air coming from him that felt both smug and irritable. Lan Xichen wasn’t sure what to make of it. 

When they finally made landfall Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji stepped onto the pier, Lan Xichen had to resist the urge to hold Jiang Wanyins arms to stop him from bowing.

Such things had long since been unnecessary between them. 

Instead they both returned the bow politely and when everyone had straightened Jiang Cheng offered him a bit of a guarded smile, barely concealed displeasure darkened his eyes. 

“Sect Leader Lan, I wish you told me that Lan Wangji would be accompanying you, I would have prepared more fittingly.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Lan Wangji answered smoothly. “I merely came to accompany  Xiongzhang, I will be leaving with the rest of our escort.”

Lan Wangji then fixed Jiang Wanyin with a pointed look and the Jiang Sect Leader bristled on impulse. But after a few tense moments surprisingly, Lan Wangji bowed to him, startling all those gathered. 

“I entrust him to your care.” 

Then without another word he bowed to Lan Xichen and turned, boarding the boat once more before they set off, leaving Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng at a sudden loss for words. 

Jiang Cheng seemed to collect his jaw from the floor first and he cleared his throat, smiling crookedly. “I have to say, that was unexpected.”

Lan Xichen only nodded, the pride in his brother welled in his throat leaving him unable to speak.

Jiang Wanyin, bless him, seemed to sense this and easily changed the topic. 

Gesturing grandly, he announced, “Welcome to Lotus Pier!” 

And with it came a sudden cacophonous noise that left Lan Xichen reeling, a sharp and unexpected panic erupted in his blood sending his heart rabbiting in his chest. 

Unbeknownst to either Sect Leader the procession Jiang Cheng led through town had piqued the curiosity of the townspeople and a crowd had amassed on the shore to welcome the Lan Sect Leader. 

The cheers and shouts, though appreciated, had something hot flaring in the back of Lan Xichen’s mind and left him unsteady. If he was a lesser man, if his discipline was any less than ironclad, the startling override on his senses would have sent him staggering. 

But it wasn’t enough to stop the slight pinching of his features, a nearly undetectable flinch at the noise. 

Something Lan Xichen hoped, to no avail, had missed the attention of the Jiang Sect Leader. 

“Are you alright?” The tone was soft, intimate, and meant only to be heard by Lan Xichen. 

His responding smile and nod were instinctual. He could tell Jiang Wanyin didn’t buy it, but he didn't press either and instead he turned to address the crowd to- very politely- shoo them away from the docks before motioning Lan Xichen to follow. 

Most of those gathered did finally return to their stalls and shopping but the disbursement did nothing to alleviate the sound of a busy marketplace, it almost seemed louder if that was possible. The echoing calls of shopkeepers parading their perusables overlapped as the mumbling buzz of their customers rose to near dizzying volume. 

The smile Lan Xichen plastered to his face was cracking as he pursed the retreating figure of his host into the crowds. They fell into step together and if Lan Xichen was moving a bit slower than was typical of him Jiang Wanyin said nothing of it and obligingly matched his pace.

Lan Xichen was distractedly trying to wrack his brain for the multitude of questions he’d been intending to ask Jiang Wanyin as they toured through the town, he was so proud of, but his brain was frustratingly soupy. The feeling was relentless, and Lan Xichen left the talking to Jiang Wanyin while he attempted to collect himself. 

The shocking acclamation he’d received upon his arrival had been unexpected yes, but not unheard of. However, this was the first time he was reacting in such a manner.

He was sweating. The tacky feeling of moisture dewing at his temples, rolled down his cheeks, into his hair and coated his trembling palms where he kept his hands clenched at his sides. A wave of nausea, sudden and vicious nearly buckled his already weak knees.

It was so  _ loud. _

There were people everywhere, but it was nothing like the calm and wide pathways of the Cloud Recesses, there was no proprietary distance between traveling groups. 

Someone brushed past him in the crowd, barely rustling his sleeve and Lan Xichen nearly jumped out of his skin. It felt like someone had cracked an egg over his head and the slimy tendrils of unease slid over him, stickily clinging to his skin. 

And it was still so  _ loud _ . It was  _ too loud. _

He wasn’t aware he’d stopped until there was a firm hand gripping his forearm, grounding him to some kind of sanity. He was distantly aware someone was saying his name, but they sounded so far away, buried under the rushing of his own blood in his ears. 

Another hand gripped his other arm and he made a pathetic whimpering sound, unsure if he wanted to grip back- claw and cling to this tethering presence- or if he wanted to shrink away from the contact and never come up for air. 

“-ichen… Lan Xichen!” 

_ Jiang Wanyin _ .

With a great deal of effort Lan Xichen managed to crack his eyes open, blearily taking in his surroundings as much as he could with the bright light of the sun and swirling colors assaulting his vision. He tried to focus but it was getting difficult to keep his eyes open. 

He settled on the deep purple fluttering in front of him. 

Purple was a nice color.

Then Jiang Wanyin’s face appeared before him, he was bent at the knee to meet his eye and Lan Xichen wished he had the strength to lift his head and meet him levely. 

His face was twisted, open concern and confusion marred his features, his temples were slick and his eyes wide and alarmed. Lan Xichen dearly missed the smile that had been there minutes prior. 

Jiang Wanyin clutched tightly at his arms as though he might slip through his grasp at any moment. His mouth was moving but it took a moment for the words to reach Lan Xichen and even longer for him to make out what was being said. 

“Lan Xichen get a hold of yourself! Are you alright? What’s going on?” 

Lan Xichen met his eyes then, his own mouth parted with unspoken words as a fresh surge of panic engulfed him. He shivered, both clammy and stifled, he couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. It was loud so loud, he felt like he was on fire in the arctic and another shudder wracked his frame. 

He tried to speak, tried to articulate something,  _ anything _ , and then another call from a stall owner nearby had him jerking in Jiang Wanyin’s grip, the only thing holding him to the ground. The white-hot anxiety was choking him, muting him, blinding him, it was too much too much  _ too much. _

And then there was nothing. 

Palms tenderly cupped his cheeks, covering his eyes and ears. He could see nothing, and the raucous noise of the market was finally suppressed to near bearable levels.

The soothing waters of relief washed over him and the sigh he let out felt more like a sob.

Somewhere Jiang Wanyin was calling orders, stuttering slightly when Lan Xichen’s hands reached up to where he held his face, weakly circling his wrists. 

There were a few more moments of conversation before Lan Xichen could feel Jiang Wanyin’s eyes on him.

Right next to his ear Lan Xichen felt a soft puff of air before softly, barely audible, Jiang Wanyin said, “Don’t worry Lan Xichen I’ll get you out of here. You’ll be alright, it’ll be okay. If I lead you like this can you come with me?”

Lan Xichen managed a nod and Jiang Wanyin slowly, carefully started to lead him out of the crowded street. 

It’s frightening to be without his vision or his hearing, both a cultivators most important weapons, save for his spiritual tools. But he trusts Jiang Wanyin not to lead him astray, and he absently wonders if the other Sect Leader realizes just how big a display this is between them. 

He doesn’t ask, distress still sings in his blood and he knows Jiang Wanyin can tell because the more distant the sounds of the town become the more small encouragements he can hear in the soft murmur of Jiang Wanyin’s voice.

_ You’re doing great.  _

_ Just a little further, you’re doing so well. _

_ It’s okay, it’ll be okay. You’re alright. _

A pitiful whimper escaped Lan Xichen and he stumbled over his feet, tipping in Jiang Wanyin’s embrace. 

The hands grasping his face left to catch him and Lan Xichen pressed his cheek into the broad chest in front of him.

Jiang Wanyin allowed him this, pressing him closer with a hand on the back of his neck while attempting to block out the light. 

Lan Xichen wasn’t sure how long he hid himself there, selfishly pressing into the warmth and accepting the soft murmuring praise of Jiang Wanyin.

But slowly he did regain himself. 

It felt like coming through a thick fog, sluggish and with difficulty he dragged himself through the pieces of his shattered memories. His mind felt clogged with cold and his ears were still ringing, echoing voices fading in and out with Jiang Wanyin’s words above it all. 

Lan Xichen went limp in Jiang Wanyin’s grasp, clutching tightly to his robes as the bow string taut tension drained from his body and the other man grunted slightly under the sudden weight. 

“Sect Leader…”

He could feel the sharp filling of lungs against his cheek as Jiang Cheng cupped his face, lifting to look at him, calloused fingers fluttering about his cheeks and jaw. 

“Lan Xichen, Lan Xichen you’re alright.” He sighed, deflating. 

_ Ah. I’ve made him worry.  _

“Jiang Wanyin, I… “ 

The Jiang Sect Leader’s face darkened. “ _ Don't _ .” He hissed, voice still carefully low. “Don’t you dare try to apologize; I should have been more aware. Your first experience after so long, outside the silent and demure atmosphere of the Gusu Lan and I all but threw you to the wolves. Come.” 

The anchoring grip on his arm kept Lan Xichen from floating away as Jiang Wanyin led him carefully through the back alleys of Yunmeng, thoughtfully covering his ears when a too noisy group passed them by.

They were a fair distance away from the marketplace at this point, but Lan Xichen still found himself to be too upended to do anything other than stare at the back of Jiang Cheng’s head as he resolutely pulled him along. 

Lan Xichen nearly collided with him as they suddenly stopped.

“We can rest here awhile.” 

Lan Xichen looked up over Jiang Cheng’s head to see where he had led them and found it to be a small moderately sized building, two stories. Its wood was lightly tanned and the small canopy overhanging the entry was a light green color, probably paled by extended time in the sunlight. The sign above door read:  _ Chen Li’s Tea Shop. _

“I found this place many years ago when I got lost after a fight with Wei Wuxian. It’s since become a place I frequent when I’m angry or stressed and it’s set apart from the rest of town with a quiet staff and atmosphere. It’s one of the remaining original buildings of Lotus Pier.”

Jiang Cheng dropped his hand and glanced at Lan Xichen over his shoulder, a strange, almost shy, expression on his face. But worry was still plainly etched into his features.

Lan Xichen smiled at him, weak but genuine. “After you.” 

They entered the tea house together, Jiang Cheng never straying far from his side, it was sweet if a bit unnecessary now that Lan Xichen had more or less collected the scattered remains of his cognizance.

The establishment was barely inhabited, with only an elderly couple and a lone man occupying two tables on the first floor. They eventually settled on the empty second floor at a secluded table in the corner behind a privacy screen should any others join them. However, with how well acquainted the staff seemed to be with Jiang Cheng he doubted unwanted company would be an issue. 

Once they were settled, Jiang Wanyin ordered something for the both of them, dismissed their waiter and suddenly, they were alone. 

He knew the Jiang Sect Leader didn’t want him to apologize but Lan Xichen was sure his want to was written all over his face. 

“Jiang Wanyin, I… I’m not sure what came over me. Please forgive this one’s discrepancy.”

The sigh he received in response sounded like Jiang Wanyin had expected the apology but was reluctant to accept purely because he didn’t think it was necessary. 

“It’s fine. This is far from my first experience with these things. How are you feeling?” Jiang Wanyin’s face was pinched, uneasy but not uncomfortable.

“Experience?” Lan Xichen prompted kindly. 

Jiang Cheng nodded but his response was halted by the arrival of their tea, which Lan Xichen insisted he could pour himself once it cooled, if only to encourage their server to excuse themselves just a few moments sooner. 

After he departed Jiang Cheng looked up and met Lan Xichen’s eye before biting his lip and looking away, obviously embarrassed.

“After Lotus Pier, and after Wei Wuxian defected I’d have attacks of a similar nature. Sometimes after nightmares, other times I’d see something that triggered it, and others it seemed like there was no reason at all. In some instances, it felt endless, like I was drowning. Sometimes I wanted too. This is my first time helping someone, I always handled mine alone, so I just told you what I had wanted to hear, did what I needed in the moment.”

Lan Xichen found himself marveling once more at the perseverance of this man; the power of his will, the resolve to stand after so many times knocked down, and the anger he used to hide so much suffering done in silence.

Lan Xichen ached for him. 

Ached for the man he was, the strength he’d been forced to attain to carry all he’d been burdened with and Lan Xichen  _ ached  _ wishing for a world where Jiang Wanyin didn’t need to be strong to survive. 

But such a world only existed in fairytales, and so Lan Xichen ached.

Jiang Cheng only grimaced, as if he thought himself some weak creature, and grabbed the cup set before him for something to do with his hands. He poured for Lan Xichen and then himself before knocking back the still burning contents of his cup to experience a different kind of hurt, no doubt scalding the inside of his mouth.

Lan Xichen was leaning over the table before he could think better of it, cupping Jiang Wanyin’s cheek with the telltale pulse of spiritual energy sparking at the contact. Jiang Cheng allowed it, leaning ever so slightly into the palm cooling his burned tongue and Lan Xichen felt his heart throb in the confines of his ribcage.

_ I can’t do much for the hurt of the past, but I can do this. I can be here now, if you’d let me. _

His hand lingered there for a few fleeting moments after the burn had been healed for nothing more than the feeling of it, and then Jiang Wanyin glanced up at him through his lashes, eyes narrowed, pleased. 

And  _ oh, _ that was new. 

Lan Xichen slid back into his proper sitting position, face flushed from more than the heat and proceeded to lift the teacup to his lips, hiding his face behind the sleeves of his robe.

The tea was fragrant, something comely and herbal, Lan Xichen could feel eyes on him as he sipped it, relishing the taste; tangy, in a earthy sort of way, bitter but not strong, smooth and deeply steeped. He sighed. 

“Do you like it?” Jiang Wanyin asked. He was twirling Zidian around his finger. 

“It’s lovely. I may find myself making trips to Yunmeng more often.”

Jiang Cheng snorted, “Good.” He said, sounding satisfied. “I thought this particular blend suited your tastes well. I’d been intending to take you here during your stay since it’d been planned.” 

Lan Xichen hummed before a sudden thought struck him. “Jiang Wanyin, if my memory serves me right, I believe you are more partial to floral and sweet tea blends, yes?” 

A charming pink blossomed around Jiang Wanyin’s neck and high on his cheek bones. He took another sip, hiding his face behind his cup.

“So? You're my guest here, the tea should suit your tastes.” He grumbled. “Besides, don’t act like you didn’t specifically keep teas I preferred in the Hanshi whenever I visited.”

Now it was Lan Xichen’s turn to redden, the color only deepening when Jiang Cheng smirked at him over his cup.

“Drink your tea.”

\------------

By the time they left the tea house it was early evening, the colors of dusk just starting to brush the rooftops. Lanterns lit every store front, every corner and Lan Xichen was certain Yunmeng would look gorgeous dressed for a festival. 

Jiang Cheng had insisted they leave in the time between the day and night markets because it would be the quietest.

Still, Lan Xichen attested he simply hadn’t been prepared before and had now more than readied himself for the crowd. 

But Jiang Wanyin had a stubborn streak to rival Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen knew when he was beaten and after deciding he made enough trouble for the day, he stayed seated obediently.

Not to say it was upsetting or unpleasant in any way to have the extra time to spend together; the calming scents of incense and pastries floated up through the window where they sat chatting. The dwindling colors of daylight painted their table through the opened curtains and the soft glow of wicker candles and rosy palette of dusk softened Jiang Wanyin at the edges where he leaned on the table. His chin rested on his hand where he’d propped himself up with an elbow on the wood, his posture wasn’t sloppy but he leaned slightly to the right, relaxed, and he looked boyish in a way Lan Xichen rarely saw anymore. 

This wasn’t the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader or the Sandu Shenghou of the sunshot campaign, this wasn’t even Jiang Wanyin. 

This was Jiang  _ Cheng _ being open and vulnerable with Lan Xichen in a way he wasn’t sure he was allowed to see but was being shown regardless.

Whatever he’d been saying dropped off and Lan Xichen wasn’t sure if it was because he finished the anecdote he’d been sharing or if he’d shut down and he tried to wrack his brain for any topic of conversation if only to keep them here for just a moment longer.

He couldn’t be so lucky. 

Lan Xichen nearly wept when Jiang Wanyin straightened his posture, eyes still soft on him but now slightly shuttered, guarded. 

He was unsure why that pained him so much.

“We should get going.” Jiang Wanyin said, rising to his feet while Lan Xichen followed. “I’ve been away from Lotus Pier awhile now; I’ll give you a proper tour tomorrow. Hope you don’t mind.”

“That sounds lovely, I’m sorry to keep you so long.” 

Jiang Wanyin snorted, “Keep in mind visiting you in the Cloud Recesses would keep me away longer. At least having you near makes it easier to go back and forth.”

Lan Xichen hummed noncommently, blinking and squinting in the sunlight as they stepped onto the street.

Suddenly Jiang Wanyin was there. His pinky finger and side of his palm rested against Lan Xichen’s forehead, blocking out the light.

He was very close and Lan Xichen blinked, unsure of what to do with their sudden proximity.

“Are you alright?”

Jiang Wanyin was backlit by the sun, peach and rosy skinned in twilight. 

_ Breathtaking. _

_ “ _ I’m fine, but if I pretend I’m not will you continue to worry over me?” 

Lan Xichen was delighted to see a deepening of the color on Jiang Wanyin’s face. 

He turned on his heel and started off down the street, obviously flustered.

“You’re lucky I worry for you at all!” He griped over his shoulder.

“Mm, very much so.” 

Lan Xichen caught up to him easily, falling in step as they walked down the quiet streets of Yunmeng and out onto the waterfront. 

They’d already walked quite aways away from the main streets of the Yunmeng market place during Lan Xichen’s earlier struggles and the tea house was very much in its out little corner of town, right along the water that could be followed to the pavilions of Lotus Pier. 

The natural paths they followed were not so much well-traveled as they were properly maintained with stones used to flatten the grass of the walkway. 

The two Sect Leaders traveled in a companionable silence, both content with their conversations over the course of the day and more or less just wanting to bask in the comforting presence of the other.

The scenery was resplendent, the waters of Lotus Pier sparkled with fading light as the yellows, and oranges were swallowed by the dark of night, casting a hue of purples and blues over the area. 

“Jiang Wanyin.” 

“Hmmm?”

Lan Xichen stopped, and Jiang Cheng followed suit, turning to face him. Lan Xichen uncharacteristically kept his eyes pinned to the ground before something broke in the rigid posture of his shoulders and he stepped forward, encircling Jiang Waynin’s wrist as he had done earlier. 

“I don’t think I’ve said it before, but thank you.”

“Of course. I surely couldn’t leave you there to suffer.” 

“That’s not what I mean. At least not all of it.” Lan Xichen tightened his hand on Jiang Wanyin’s wrist as if not sure that he would flee or Lan Xichen himself would. “If not for you I… I’m not sure who I would be right now.  _ If _ I would be. Things of this nature I rarely show willingly and never once have you blamed me, judged me, or insulted me. I’m glad it was you who gifted me this strength by remaining by my side. So, thank you.” 

Lan Xichen looked at him then, feeling chafed, exposed, and Jiang Wanyin held his eye, steady and secure as he always was in these moments. But there was something equally bare in his expression and it was then Lan Xichen felt a single tear roll over the curve of his cheek, and yet he was smiling. Dizzy with it. 

Then softly, so softly Jiang Cheng turned his hand in Lan Xichen’s grip, holding him palm to palm. 

“I’m glad to have been here for you.”

They didn’t say much else after that, but their palms didn’t separate for the rest of the journey. 


	8. Daily Life at Lotus Pier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you all as always for your patience! I'd just like to take a moment to let you guys know I have some art commissions/prior engagements that will be taking up some of my time these coming days so while my uploads may be slow please bear with me because I'm not planning to stop this story any time soon! It might just but a hot minute before I can upload again so just keep that in mind and thank you as always for sticking with me. I hope you enjoy!

The sun had yet to rise the next morning as Jiang Cheng was patrolling the paths of Lotus Pier. It wasn’t the earliest he’d been up to get a start on his day, but it was a close one and he stifled a yawn behind his palm.

_Lan Xichen should be getting up any moment now._

Like the gracious host he was, Jiang Cheng had gotten up about an hour earlier than that of the Gusu Lan’s outrageous regime to be awake to greet him in the morning and for no other reason. It was also coincidental that this was his fourth time around the courtyard and subsequently past Lan Xichen’s quarters, placed close to his own. 

And he most certainly did not _flinch_ and change direction as he made his fifth round by Lan Xichen’s door only to hear it open. 

Lan Xichen stepped into the early light of Lotus Pier, the black of the night giving way to the dawn of morning as the yellow of the sun peeked out behind the clouds turning them a soft gray and blue. The man was dressed much the same, layers of soft blues with white accenting, top knot, and intricate combs as shiny and immaculate as ever. He’d forgone the outermost layer of his robes typically reserved for formal events and the chill of the Cloud Recesses and so there was a tenderness about him that had something in Jiang Cheng’s throat constricting. 

Not to mention that without the extra layers the sashed belt hugged tightly at the shape of Lan Xichen’s waist leaving little left to the imagination and that was, _distracting._

Then he turned and noticed Jiang Cheng approaching him had the _audacity_ to smile like- like _that._

“Jiang Wanyin.” He said in that fond way of his, turning to him more fully. The clarity bell Jiang Cheng had given him swung from where it hung it at his waist.

The tight thing in Jiang Cheng’s chest squeezed.

“You wore it.” He croaked in lieu of a greeting.

Lan Xichen looked down where the bell tinkled at his hip and looked back at Jiang Cheng, something unbearably warm but equally anxious in his eyes.

“I did. Is it not appropriate? Should I remove-” 

“Don’t!” Jiang Cheng blurted, cheeks heating before more calmly continuing, “Don’t take it off, I gave it to you for a reason. I’m glad you like it…”

Lan Xichen gave him another heart throbbing smile. “Of course I do, it was a gift from you after all.” 

Jiang Cheng felt like he was on fire, palms clammy, and knees traitorously weak. Something possessive burned in the pit of his stomach “Either way I’m glad it can be of use. Did you rest well?”

“I did, thank you for your accommodations. And you? You’re up much earlier than is customary for you. I hope you haven’t lost sleep over me.”

 _You have no idea._ Jiang Cheng internally bemoaned.

Outwardly Jiang Cheng snorted, crossing his arms. “And you? This isn’t the Cloud Recesses and yet you’re getting up before dawn on what’s supposed to be a holiday.”

An indulgent hum. “I suppose you’re right. However, my body knows no other routine, old habits, and such things. I’d gotten used to meditating in the garden with the windsock upon waking.” 

Jiang Cheng saw that as the opportunity he’d been looking for since he’d begun pacing outside Lan Xichen’s room. “Ah, about that. I have a place for you to do so if you want. It’s secluded, rarely disturbed, and amongst nature. I thought you may enjoy the quiet while you stayed here.”

Another unfairly brilliant smile. “How kind of you, I’d love to see it.” 

They walked along the curving pathways of Lotus Pier, Jiang Cheng pointing out various pavilions and rooms of interest either from childhood stories he’d told Lan Xichen or places he may want to visit during his stay.

When Lan Xichen made the timid request to visit and honor his family upon passing the ancestral hall something fragile and warm bloomed in Jiang Cheng’s chest. He choked out an affirmation for a later time and they continued on.

Eventually, they came to a private dock at the back of the territory. It was hidden amongst an abundance of Lotus flowers and mangroves, too small for docking anything other than a small boat with capacity for two or three persons.

The sweet smell of wildflowers perfumed the air as the wind carried the petals downstream and tugged on the robes of both men overlooking the scenery. The water was a deep and reverent turquoise under the early morning light, obscured by the midmorning mist. 

“Oh Jiang Wanyin, it’s beautiful.” Lan Xichen sighed.

“Then it’s yours.” Jiang Cheng said before he could think better about it. He floundered under the surprised look Lan Xichen gave him, stuttering out, “To use, as long as you’re here and any visits you make after. Consider this a personal sanctuary you can come and go from whenever you like.”

Lan Xichen nodded, eyes sparkling as he stepped out onto the pier and settled into lotus position surrounded by the flowers. He chanced a look back at Jiang Cheng and for the first time, he loathed his position as Sect Leader.

“I can’t stay.” He said morosely. “I still have some matters to take care of this morning. Take as long as you wish and when you return there will most likely be someone to tend to whatever you need and direct you to me.”

Another nod. Lan Xichen looked positively radiant surrounded by the flowers and nature of Yunmeng, soft sunlight petting the dark color of his hair, eyes slipping shut as he eased into meditation. Jiang Cheng wished he could print the image and hold it close, tucked safely in the folds of his robes.

But instead, he turned on his heel and left.

There were still things to do and he had a Sect to run. 

\------------

The scurrying of the disciples had long since begun when Jiang Cheng returned to the more populated areas of Lotus Pier. 

Many of the boys greeted their Sect Leader with faces still wet with washing but more bright-eyed than their heavy-lidded peers just stumbling from their rooms.

Jiang Cheng greeted them in return, huffing a small breath of amusement as the disciples elbowed each other on their way past, chiding one another on their stages of undress in front of their Sect Leader. 

It pulled another laugh like thing from Jiang Cheng. It was funny to think that these young men within his ranks often forgot that even the Sandu Shengshou was once a boy raised on the docks of Lotus Pier- waking up too early, being worked into the mud, facing the wrath he’d inherited from his mother, these things were familiar to him. 

However, Jiang Cheng was pulled from his musings by a small whimpering sound coming from a secluded corner of the courtyard central to the disciples' living quarters.

He paused, eyes sweeping over the area, eventually focusing on the light lavender color that represented a particularly young junior disciples robes, partially obscured by a rock in the middle of the space. 

As Jiang Cheng drew closer, he noted with a throb that the boys’ shoulders were slumped and ever so slightly trembling.

The boy was kneeling in the dirt facing away from Jiang Cheng, no more than seven years old, and as the Sect Leader approached, he saw a particularly recognizable jade bracelet fisted in the boy's small hands.

Jiang Cheng stopped a couple of paces away and called out softly.

“Sun Xue?”

Sun Xue froze for a second, caught, before he immediately stood, slipping the bracelet onto his wrist and messily wiping his face clear of tears and snot before turning and bowing to the Sect Leader. 

“Sect Leader Jiang, I’m sorry I was just-”

He cut himself off, wiping away another errant tear and lowering his head in shame.

Jiang Cheng felt a pang of sympathy as he did so. Even with Sun Xue’s attempts to pull himself together the boy's sadness was obvious. 

Sun Xue’s face was splotchy and red in patches, there were drying tear tracks along his round cheeks and his nose was red from rubbing.

Jiang Cheng crouched in front of the boy, reaching into his robes and pulling out an embroidered handkerchief he offered it to him.

While a man may have scoffed at the invitation a child had no such qualms, even in front of his Sect Leader, and Sun Xue took the cloth to clean his face more thoroughly.

In his years raising Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng discovered the minds of children rarely lingered on things like propriety and the expectations of society, focusing instead on the here and now. They said and did things without thinking of consequence and the thoughts of a child were honest and simple in a way Jiang Cheng interestingly enough, respected.

Jiang Cheng remained crouching before Sun Xue as he cleaned his sticky face to the best of his ability before handing the handkerchief back. Jiang Cheng took it without so much as a flinch.

“What’s wrong?” Jiang Cheng asked when the boy finally seemed to collect himself. However, the question only seemed to fill his eyes once more.

“Sect Leader Jiang!!” Sun Xue wailed. “I want to be strong like you but Wang Wu-shixiong says I’m too slow and I’ll never get strong!”

The fresh rush of tears took Jiang Cheng back a bit and he handed the handkerchief back before the boy stained his clothes. “Why did Wang Wu say this?” 

“We were practicing, and he said I was behind everyone else!” Sun Xue said, sniffling into the cloth. He then shook out the hand that had the jade bracelet on it, displaying it to Jiang Cheng even as he flailed his arms. “This bracelet is from my mom, she said it would protect me but how can I protect her if I’m not strong?”

Sun Xue continued to whimper as he fixed Jiang Cheng with a wide-eyed teary gaze that reminded him too much of a very young Jin Ling.

“Sect Leader Jiang, will you teach me to be strong like you?”

The question was expected but the blow from it still caught Jiang Cheng off guard and he let out a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding. 

_To ask me how to be strong of all people._ He thought ruefully. _How ironic._

But out loud he asked, “Sun Xue, do you think I’m strong?”

The boy's mouth dropped open in a gape before he grabbed Jiang Cheng’s hand, shaking it violently. “Of course! _Zongzhu_ is the strongest!”

This pulled a genuine chuckle from Jiang Cheng. “Sun Xue, what if I told you that I was not always strong?”

The gasp Sun Xue made sounded borderline scandalized. “But you’re the Sandu Shengshou!” He cried.

“I wasn’t always the Sandu Shengshou.” Jiang Cheng amended softly before looking more past him, as if into the distance. “Before the sunshot campaign I was just the Jiang Sect heir, Jiang Wanyin, and I wasn’t very strong. It took a lot of practice and effort to become strong, and even then, there are still people who are stronger than me.”

Jiang Cheng looked back at Sun Xue, by then his tears were dried and his eyes were shiny with something more curious.

“Sun Xue, you already have all that you need to become strong.”

“Really? What is it, what is it?”

Sun Xue’s eyes were shining with excitement now and Jiang Cheng snorted softly, tapping the boy’s forehead with two fingers and then over his heart. “They’re right here.”

The blatant confusion on the boy’s face would be funnier if Jiang Cheng wasn’t trying to prove a point. 

Another tap to the chest. “Here because you have someone important that you want to protect, someone you want to be strong for.” A small flick to the forehead resulting in a surprised giggle. “And here because you have the will and spirit to get stronger. Sun Xue the reason you’re upset is proof that you can and will get stronger. You’re upset because you want to be better, and because you want to mean you’re willing to work hard for it. No one gets strong without working for it.”

“Even you?” 

“Mm. Even me.” 

Sun Xue seemed to consider this for a moment, eyes alight with something curious. 

“Do you have someone you want to protect, Sect Leader Jiang?”

Behind Jiang Cheng’s eyes, a blurry visage began to form- a portrait of sorts- one he’d seen before. Within it, he could make out the colors of the Yunmeng Jiang, the golden robes of Lanling, even someone in black and red placed in the middle distance. But most surprisingly, amid what broken family unit he’d conjured, was the white and blue of Gusu Lan.

He opened his eyes; unaware he’d closed them.

“I do.”

There was another quiet moment of thought before Sun Xue responded with a gap-toothed grin, nodding like he’d managed to work out some kind of problem.

“Then I’ll work harder than everyone, and when I grow up, I want to be just like you!”

Jiang Cheng made a noncommittal noise and stood from where he’d been crouched, dusting off his knees unnecessarily before giving the boy a slight pat on the head. “Strive to be even stronger. Now it’s about time for you to finish getting ready so you won’t fall behind in your training.”

“Yes, Zongzhu!” Sun Xue chirped. And with a hasty bow, the boy was gone, pausing only to bow to Lan Xichen who was now stepping into the courtyard.

He approached Jiang Cheng gracefully, one hand behind his back in typical Lan fashion and a warm smile on his face.

“You are very good with children.” He intones, getting closer.

Jiang Cheng makes a noise, not unlike a scoff but with no real discontent. “I all but raised Jin Ling, it stands to reason that I should have some idea on how to speak to children.”

Lan Xichen hummed, his face softening even further but his eyes sparkled with mischief, “You like children.” He says. 

He received a scowl and a shrug in response. “Children aren’t yet corrupted by the world in which we live. They are honest and their logic is simple, progressive, and easy to understand. I can’t help but feel at times that more would be done if we had a council of kids rather than elders.”

A laugh startled out of Lan Xichen and rose high into the air of Lotus Pier, prettier than any windchime.

Jiang Cheng wished he could bottle the sound.

“How was your meditation?” He asked.

“Lovely.” Lan Xichen sighed, wistful, and pleased. “Yunmeng’s warmth is as much a comfort as the cold of Gusu but the newness of it was refreshing. I feel energized.” 

The grin that spread across Jiang Cheng’s lips was almost predatory. There was an excited glint in his eyes and a sharpness to his teeth that felt like trouble.

“Perfect, because today we’re training the disciples.”

\------------

As the two Sect Leaders stepped into the main field of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect they were saluted by three lines of disciples, all with swords in hand and ready for their training to begin.

The rows were arranged by age with the youngest to the back, flanked on either side by two older boys for the younger kids to watch and learn from.

When they all rose from their bows many of their eyes flickered to Lan Xichen, excited by what they may learn from him. But for the most part, they remained lasered in on their own Sect Leader, expectant and at the ready.

Jiang Cheng stepped down the stairs of the pavilion and onto the trodden dirt of the training field.

Here Jiang Cheng was completely in his element. He stood with confidence before his disciples and they stood before him with looks of awe and respect. It was obvious even from a distance that the disciples of the Yunmeng Jiang adored their Sect Leader and that Jiang Cheng valued his disciples.

He called out the first position and the training began.

Lan Xichen watched from atop the steps as Jiang Cheng called the various sword forms of the Yunmeng Jiang, first in order, then backward, and then varying stances with no particular organization- testing their memorization and quick thinking. Effective and spontaneous, much like their Sect Leader.

Jiang Cheng stalked the rows of his disciples with an easy kind of intent, focusing on where problems needed to be addressed and praising lightly but productively. His instructions and corrections were stern but not unkind, if he snapped at someone for a mistake he’d make sure they understood why and if he praised someone's form he’d list what they did right so others may learn from their example.

And it was clear that despite his gruff attitude and harsh words Jiang Cheng was merely attempting to bring out the potential of his students, and in turn, they respected his authoritative nature and attempted to strive harder under it.

The back and forth of the teacher and students was built on trust and mutual appreciation, and Lan Xichen felt something proud swirl in him at the Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin had become.

“Any thoughts Sect Leader Lan?” Jiang Cheng called out after some time. He was sweating from when he joined in on the training and he’d stripped down a layer in the midst of it, the smirk he wore was unguarded and proud.

It made Lan Xichen’s mouth run dry.

“I have some.” He hummed.

The younger disciples of those gathered giggled quietly at the remark while the rest seemed surprised that someone had the nerve to tease Jiang Wanyin, or maybe surprised that Lan Xichen knew _how_ to tease.

“Care to share with the class?” Jiang Cheng snarked, playing along.

Lan Xichen hmm’d as if considering, causing another small eruption of giggles.

“The Yunmeng Jiang style of swordplay flows like lightning.” He said after a short deliberation.

Jiang Cheng snorts. “I’ve never known lightning to flow.”

“Ah, but if it starts at one point and moves in a continuous motion from one place to another, would that not be a flow?”

He takes Jiang Cheng’s silence as agreement and continues-

“The swordplay is cutting, sharp and acute. Though there are many motions to each set, all attacks are offensive and made to be a final strike even as the set continues. It is very different from the push and pull of the Gusu Lan wherein we focus more on defense, striking when there is an opening and keeping our weapons close.”

“Care to demonstrate?”

Lan Xichen blinks, surprised, and judging by the murmuring of those gathered he’s not the only one.

However, Jiang Cheng was looking at him in a way that Lan Xichen knew the choice was his to make.

“I accept.”

The hushed whispers of the juniors raised to excited cheers and the boys all but sprinted to the shade of the surrounding pavilions to give the Sect Leaders a wide berth.

Lan Xichen descended the steps with a calmness he didn’t feel. There was an itching under his skin, an exhilaration he couldn’t quite place at the thought of crossing swords with Jiang Wanyin.

The Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader seemed to feel much the same, however, because the dangerous smile was back and there was a fire in his gaze that boiled something within Lan Xichen.

“Don’t go easy on me Lan Xichen.”

“I would never underestimate you Jiang Wanyin.”

There were a few moments of tense silence, no whispering from their audience, no teasing remarks from either party, just the quiet appraisal of what’s to come. 

And then Jiang Cheng was dashing forward, crossing the distance between himself and Lan Xichen in one movement. Sandu parried loudly against Shuoyue and the resulting shockwave of the clash nearly knocked some of the disciples off their feet.

It was clear from the moment the fight began that both Sect Leaders were well matched, consistent with each other as they clashed blow for blow, for what seemed like hours. 

No one was sure how long they’d been colliding, and the two Sect Leaders made eye contact between the gaps of their swords for a fleeting second before Jiang Cheng twisted, spinning out of the parry and swinging Sandu toward Lan Xichen’s throat. 

Lan Xichen dodged to the left, bringing Shuoyue down in a wide arch that had Jiang Cheng jumping back before he snarled and leapt back into range. He swiped Sandu up along Lan Xichen’s chest in a way that forced him to lean back in order to avoid the strike.

A well-aimed kick to the wrist sent Sandu flying out of Jiang Cheng’s grip, but before Lan Xichen could press his sword to his opponent's neck, he found himself flat on his back in the dirt.

Jiang Cheng had crouched, swiping his legs out from under him.

Lan Xichen growled, rolling to avoid another strike as Jiang Cheng used Zidian to grab Sandu, rearming himself.

Adrenaline pulsed through Lan Xichen for the first-time post seclusion and the sight of Jiang Cheng circling him, panting, sweaty, and dirty the same as him made something animalistic pulse in the Lan Sect Leader. He lunged with a fervor that caught both men a bit off guard. 

Jiang Cheng barely managed to block the attack, boots skidding through the dust, kicking up a cloud as he was pushed back.

And then, just as suddenly he was falling.

Lan Xichen had swiped his leg, using his own trick against him.

The thought of it made him chuckle and he waited for the hardness of the ground to come up to meet him.

Instead, there was a hand at his collar and Jiang Cheng opened his eyes to find himself startlingly close to Lan Xichen’s face. The man had grabbed the front of his robes to keep him from falling and was now bowed over him, eyes wide. Jiang Cheng could see the rosy tint painting his porcelain skin extending into the front of his robes and below, hidden from sight, and could feel his puffs of breath on his cheeks.

Jiang Cheng swiped a tongue over his lips, suddenly dry, and something in Lan Xichen’s eyes flashed, tracking the movement.

And then they were being swarmed by children and whatever spell the two men found themselves in was broken. Their excited cries and whooping cheers were near-deafening and the wave of them nearly knocked both Sect Leaders off their feet as they were bombarded with questions and praise.

“Alright, alright,” Jiang Cheng groaned, attempting to silence the crowd around them. “Sect Leader Lan truly is a worthy adversary, using my own moves against me like that.”

“It is only due to Sect Leader Jiang’s strength that I could go all out.”

The surrounding disciples only seemed to get louder at the exchange, all but begging for Lan Xichen’s instruction.

“What do you say?” Jiang Cheng chuckled. “Would you mind teaching these brats a thing or two?”

“I’d be honored.”

The disciples cheered, scrambling to get back into position as they eagerly awaited the eldest Jade of Lan’s directions. Even Jiang Cheng stood before Lan Xichen expectantly, Sandu at the ready.

Lan Xichen- more accustomed to leading by example- unsheathed Shuoyue once more. 

“Let us begin.”

\------------

The things Lan Xichen decided to impart on those gathered were varied forms of what they already knew. 

He used the prior knowledge of their mother Sect and built upon it, enhancing but not changing their forms and adding various moves to be added adjacent to each strike. The Yunmeng style was the push, and the swordplay of Gusu was the pull.

The students of the Yunmeng Jiang were endearingly desperate to learn, but their streams of questions and reedy laughter was so different from the silent attention of the Gusu Lan disciples. The first of many questions nearly caught Lan Xichen off guard, not prepared for the vocalization in what was typically silent reflection. 

Jiang Cheng tried to keep the noise to a minimum at first, but it seemed even he could not stop himself when it came to making a suggestion or correction and could only offer a sheepish shrug at every interruption.

Not that it was a bother.

The debating of students over the correct forms and whispers of older boys helping the younger ones meant that they wanted to make sure they were following correctly, and their determination was reminiscent of a certain Sect Leader.

“Ah, Sect Leader Jiang, would you mind going back to that previous pose?” 

Jiang Cheng gave Lan Xichen a curious look but complied.

“Your form is a bit unsound. Pardon me.”

Without thinking much about it Lan Xichen stepped close to Jiang Cheng, a line of heat from hip to sternum as he all but manhandled Jiang Cheng into a more appropriate position.

He cupped his large hand over Jiang Cheng’s right elbow, elevating his arm to be level with his shoulder and twisting his wrist inward a bit, palm and pommel facing the ground rather than the side. A hand settled on his hip to steady him and Jiang Cheng felt like he was ten seconds away from a qi deviation.

There was a puff of breath on his neck.

“Spread your legs a bit more.” 

_Two seconds away from qi deviation._

When Jiang Cheng didn't move the hand on his hip slid down to his thigh and Jiang Cheng let out a string of curses, nearly elbowing Lan Xichen as he moved to get away.

“It’s too hot for this right now.” He grunted, “We’ll continue this later.”

“It is about midday.” Lan Xichen hummed, unbothered by the sudden change in Jiang Cheng’s temperament. “Perhaps a break is in order?”

Jiang Cheng made an affirmative noise and dismissed the disciples before schooling his expression to a more neutral scowl and turning to Lan Xichen who blinked innocently at him. 

“I’m going to change and patrol Yunmeng, would you like to join me? If it is still too overwhelming you are more than welcome to stay, I won’t take offense.”

Lan Xichen made a small noise, falling into step with Jiang Cheng as they left the training grounds. “It won’t improve if I avoid it. I’d like to join you if you’ll have me.”

Another sound of agreement. “I’ll meet you at the gate in an incense sticks time.”

Jiang Cheng watched Lan Xichen walk the rest of the way to the guest quarters before closing the doors to his own and nigh collapsing behind it.

Everywhere Lan Xichen touched him felt like it was burning, and Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure if it was wholly unpleasant. 

He knocked his head back against the cool wood of the door, closing his eyes in an attempt to calm his throbbing heart.

_Just what is wrong with me lately?_

The sun was about three quarters across the sky as Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng slowly made their way back to Lotus Pier.

The streets of Yunmeng were as calm as they could be in such a bustling community, but the daily chaos was more or less a sign that everything was well amongst the common folk. The crops had long since been planted and there were low clouds in the distance, heavy with rain that would bode well for the coming season. The people were high spirited, optimistic, and all too happy to stop the Sect Leaders to tell them so, earning a slightly embarrassed but pleased huff from Jiang Cheng and a warm smile from Lan Xichen. 

And if Lan Xichen noticed they were traveling through the less populated areas more often than not; he didn’t comment on it.

Jiang Cheng tossed one of the watermelons he was carrying, testing its weight and ripeness.

“The markets were packed with fresh fruits and vegetables today, so we were lucky to find watermelons for such a fair price.” Jiang Cheng said, catching the melon easily and giving Lan Xichen a crooked smile.

“Indeed.” Lan Xichen crooned, shifting the weight of the bag he was shouldering, also full of melons. “The disciples did well today, I do believe these will be a deserved reward.”

Another toss of the melon and a strangely melancholy sigh.

“It’s not like it was my idea.” Jiang Cheng said lowly. “You were the one that suggested it, you even paid for half. You really are too good Lan Xichen… I feel like no amount of watermelon would make my disciples favor me.”

Lan Xichen very nearly stopped walking to shake Jiang Cheng by the shoulders.

“Surely you’re not serious.” He blurts.

The Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader only gave him a strange side-eye, as if gauging his reaction before saying, “I’m always serious. They follow me but they fear me, my temper, my stubbornness, my discipline, all things I’ve inherited but can’t be rid of. They may give allegiance to me, but it would surprise me if they _liked_ me.”

_This ridiculous, obstinate, wonderful man._

“Jiang Wanyin your disciples _adore_ you. I’m quite shocked you don’t see it compared to someone who has only been here a matter of days.”

“Adore? Lan Xichen, I believe you are the one who is mistaken. They respect me as their mentor and Sect Leader, fear me as the Sandu Shengshou, but should a spot in another Sect be offered I doubt many would stay. Just today they were so eager to be taught by you.”

“ _Jiang Wanyin._ ”

Something in Lan Xichen’s tone must have alerted Jiang Cheng that this was serious because he turned to look at him and there was something fierce in his gaze.

“They were eager to learn because they desperately want to impress _you_. It was an opportunity to showcase what they learned here in Yunmeng, taught by the Sandu Shengshou himself. They were excited to see me, but their eyes never left you. You were just told by one of the youngest that he wanted to grow up to be like you, not just strong like you but _like you_. They respect you, reverie you, idolize you but it’s because they like you, enjoying being taught by you and being here in Yunmeng because you are an incredible Sect Leader.”

There was a long moment of silence, stretching out between the two of them. The only sound was that of rushing water and the stone beneath their boots. 

“Well if the venerable and upstanding Zewu-jun says so it must be true. Even if I am as good as you claim I still can’t compare to the most handsome and powerful bachelor in the cultivation world.”

“You’re not meant to.” Lan Xichen said after a time.

Jiang Cheng gave him a near withering look that Lan Xichen returned with a nonplussed stare of his own.

“I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that no one is meant to be compared to others as everyone in the world is different. Would you compare a tree to a river? Of course not, because they are both very different from one another. A tree can only be compared to another tree as a river can only compare to a river. You can only be compared to yourself, as you are the only you there is and you are a great Sect Leader, uncle, and friend.” 

Jiang Cheng was bright red, unprepared for the praise, and endearingly flustered as they reached the front gates of Lotus Pier.

The disciples guarding the entrance opened the heavy door and Jiang Cheng huffed, trying to collect himself before entering.

“Your words, I’ll try to take them to heart.” He muttered hesitantly.

Lan Xichen gave him a bright, disarming smile. “That is all I ask.”

Believing they were finished with the conversation Jiang Cheng walked toward the gate, nodding politely and indicating Lan Xichen step through first.

It wasn’t until he was walking past that Lan Xichen turned and looked at Jiang Cheng to make one final remark.

“As an aside, I’d like you to remember I’m not the only handsome bachelor in the cultivation world.”

And with that he stepped into Lotus Pier to start distributing the watermelons, leaving a dumbstruck and red-faced Jiang Cheng gaping in the entrance of Lotus Pier.


	9. Jiang Cheng's Series of Unfortunate Events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HULLO I RETURN FROM THE DEAD!!
> 
> Ahhh it feels good to be back, ofc in the second week of classes because I'm useless but that's beside the point. I won't take up too much time here but I just wanted to thank you all so SO much for your patience and continued support and comments. It really meant so much to me getting the emails from ao3 alerting me that more people have found/were enjoying my work it's really what got me out of the funk I was in and got me back on my feet writing. A lot happened that I won't bore you with but burn out is a hell of a drug so thank you for being patient and waiting for me so so much and I hope you'll continue to enjoy! :D <3

_How the hell did I end up here?_

Born as Jiang Cheng, given the name Wanyin, Leader of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, and known as the Sandu Shengshou, tiredly scrubbed a hand over his eyes, head thumping back against the wall he’d propped himself against.

He glanced down to the source of his distress and felt his mood both sour and soften as none other than the Sect Leader of the Gusu Lan continued to sleep soundly where he’d draped himself across Jiang Cheng’s thighs. 

“This is your fault.” Jiang Cheng complained, regardless of it falling on deaf ears.

Lan Xichen only snuffled softly in response.

Jiang Cheng grunted as one of the sleeping Sect Leaders' intricate hair combs jabbed sharply into his hip. 

_Why did things end up like this?_

\------------

They’d been wandering peacefully through the streets a little before sundown. The evening breeze carried the sounds and scents of Yunmeng, and in the passing days Lan Xichen had become quite accustomed to the steady thrum of passing conversation and the sweet smells of night market pastries.

The early evening light filtered between the buildings painting the street corners in a soft golden glow dotted by the maroons and oranges of paper lanterns strung along the stalls. 

The morning and afternoon hours had been filled with training and lessons taught primarily by Lan Xichen and overseen by Jiang Cheng.

After meditating at the dock Jiang Wanyin had shown him Lan Xichen had followed the sounds of clashing swords and muffled shouting to the training grounds. After some deliberation and observation, he made his way to his host and sought to make himself useful as an aid to his fellow Sect Leader.

The familiarity of teaching greeted Lan Xichen like an old friend and the simplicity of mentorship felt as much of an extension of himself as Shuoyue.

Not much time had passed before Jiang Cheng, bored of his position on the sidelines, once again goaded Lan Xichen into sparring with him. A proposition that- much to the delight of their students- was happily accepted.

Both Sect Leaders ended up covered in dirt and dust that had been kicked up during their exercise. Jiang Cheng’s panting breaths matched with Lan Xichen’s own labored breathing from where he was pinned under the Gusu Lan Sect Leaders muscled form.

His cheeks were a splotchy red from exertion that travelled along his neck and exposed chest and his top knot was starting to unravel where it was pressed into the dirt. At some point one of his braids had come loose from his combs and framed his face half undone, sticky with sweat and grease.

There was a defiant look in his eye even as he lay captive, straddled by his known assailant, and the image he presented made something flare within Lan Xichen’s abdomen before the man stood, offering his hand to Jiang Cheng with noticeably pink cheeks. 

Jiang Cheng took the offered assistance, allowing himself to be hoisted to his feet with minimal grumbling about how he wasn’t some frail maiden as he basked in the afterglow of a battle well fought. 

And when Jiang Cheng offered Lan Xichen a smile like a secret overtop the heads of their shared wards, Lan Xichen was helpless to stop his own.

After bathing and dinner Lan Xichen once again took up Jiang Cheng’s offer to patrol the sunset streets of Yunmeng as he had almost every night during his stay, and before the final loss of light they made their way into town.

They’d made a habit of night patrolling, something typically left the disciples, but Jiang Cheng was all too pleased to tour Lan Xichen around his territory and in turn Lan Xichen enjoyed listening to Jiang Cheng’s stories and pride filled commentary.

The two wandered pleasantly through the city streets and now accustomed to seeing both men amongst them the common folk bowed pleasantly upon passing but the Sect Leaders were free from the weight of their stares and small talk.

Twilight was just beginning to blanket the shores of Yunmeng when Jiang Cheng suggested they enter a tea shop for a rest. Lan Xichen had agreed, and they made their way into the building and were settled into a private and screened chamber in the back of the shop.

Jiang Cheng chatted with their server for a moment, a young boy no more than fifteen or sixteen, taking him at his recommendation for a herbal black tea with a bitter burn but soft temperament before dismissing him. 

“Really Sect Leader Lan,” Jiang Cheng was sniffing when their tea arrived. “Not to offend but I can’t imagine you having any kind of a rebellious phase.”

Lan Xichen chuckled, deep and foxlike. “Then I wonder, if after all this time we’ve spent together, if you know me at all.” He teased. 

Jiang Cheng made an affronted noise, grabbing the teapot in the middle of the table before Lan Xichen could reach for it. “You mean to tell me you’re not perfect?”

The now full teacup in Lan Xichen’s hand nearly spilled as the man laughed into it. “I was a teenager once.” He said gravely before downing the tea and making a face.

“What’s wrong?” Jiang Cheng asked after noticing the strange expression.

A shake of the head and an outstretched teacup was his only answer. Jiang Cheng snorted and made to refill the cup.

“Isn’t there some kind of rule against living excessively?” He mocked. 

The cup in Lan Xichen’s hand sloshed dangerously on its way to Lan Xichen’s mouth and Jiang Cheng’s own mouth dropped open as the man knocked the draught back as if it was a shot before he slammed the vessel onto the table, nearly shattering it.

He swayed forward with a crooked smile before exclaiming, “There is indeed a rule against living excessively, however, that means not to live frivolously, not that life cannot be enjoyed!!!”

He made a grab for the teapot and Jiang Cheng pulled it from his range, cradling it protectively while trying to figure out just what in the _hell_ was going on.

This merely earned him a pout however, Lan Xichen’s lower lip jutted out cutely and Jiang Cheng’s poor brain stuttered to a halt long enough for Lan Xichen to crawl- _crawl-_ to the other side of the table. He made another pass for the teapot which earned him a firm swat on the hand. 

Lan Xichen made a wounded sound and clutched his hand to his chest, looking at Jiang Cheng with a trembling lip and watery eyes.

“Jiang Wanyin!! You hit me!!” He cried.

Jiang Cheng could only stare, wide eyed and open mouthed.

It was at that moment that the server returned, and in a flash Lan Xichen made for the door, grabbing their server and hiding bodily behind him as he would a shield. 

Jiang Cheng was on his feet in a second, he grabbed the boy by the collar, “What the hell did you give us?” He demanded. “What the hell was in that tea, what did you do to him??”

The boy looked as confused and frightened as Jiang Cheng felt and fearing poison or a curse, he repeated his question. 

The boy stuttered out a list of harmless ingredients used in almost all tea making before finally whimpering “and liquor.”

Jiang Cheng’s brain stuttered to a halt once more and he turned to where Lan Xichen was now cowering in the corner of the room, still pathetically holding his uninjured hand. The pieces fit together in his mind as he half remembered stories about Lan Wangji’s horrible tolerance for alcohol and he choked on a noise that was part sob part laugh. He shook the boy by the shoulder, endlessly relieved. 

“He’s drunk, he’s just drunk.” He sighed.

He then apologized for scaring the boy and after paying much more than was owed he dismissed the boy and turned to Lan Xichen who was looking at him with a n expression that mirrored a frightened puppy.

“C’mere Lan Xichen.” He beckoned. 

However, Lan Xichen only shook his head and held his own hand even closer to himself.

Jiang Cheng resisted the urge to rub his eyes. “If you’re good I’ll heal your hand for you.” He grunted, knowing full well that the man wasn’t harmed in the least. 

At that Lan Xichen smiled and came bounding over to the table, flopping down so close that he nearly planted himself in Jiang Cheng’s lap. “Thank you, Jiang Wanyin!! You truly are an unprecedented gentleman!” 

He almost rolled his eyes, _almost_ , but Jiang Cheng was stronger than that. Pushing the thought away he took Lan Xichen’s hand in his own which had been thrust unceremoniously under his nose.

There was a brief hesitation in which Jiang Cheng couldn’t believe he was actually doing this, before he steeled himself and blew lightly on the back of Lan Xichen’s hand.

Lan Xichen swayed forward with a delighted sound, seemingly pulled into Jiang Cheng’s personal space by his own hand and near headbutting the man in the process. “That’s nice.” He hummed, still too loud in the quiet room. “Where did you learn this?” 

“My Jiejie would do this for me when I was young, and I did the same for Jin Ling.”

There was a surprised noise from Jiang Cheng’s left before Jiang Cheng was brutally wrenched to his feet like he weighed little more than a filled sack. He made an undignified sputtering sound as Lan Xichen unceremoniously started pulling him by the wrist. 

“I should show my precious didi!! Wangji would often play until his fingers were raw when we were children! I’m sure this wonderful treatment would make him feel better!!!”

Seeming to have made the decision for the both of them, Lan Xichen made for the door and Jiang Cheng scrambled to stop him, grabbing him by the arm when pulling from his iron grip proved to be no use.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Jiang Cheng hissed, hauling the other man away from the door. “You can show him later, okay? Don’t you want to stay in Yunmeng a little bit longer?”

There was a brief pause and moment of consideration before Lan Xichen turned back to look at Jiang Cheng, bobbing his head enthusiastically he gave Jiang Cheng a wide smile that crinkled his eyes at the corners.

And then to make matters worse he seemed to redouble his efforts to leave and the two stumbled out of their private room as Lan Xichen dragged Jiang Cheng from the tea shop- his grip unrelenting even as Jiang Cheng continued to make squawking protests and attempt to pull his own hand free.

“Wait, Lan Xichen let go!”

Lan Xichen stopped his mad dashing and looked back at Jiang Cheng, then down to their clasped hands a few times before he gave Jiang Cheng another devastating smile.

“I don't want to!!” He said, threading their fingers together.

Jiang Cheng sputtered incomprehensibly as Lan Xichen dragged him through the tea shop, past the staff, customers, and into the night air.

The evening was crisp, and the melancholy hues of twilight left plenty of room for the marble colored paper lanterns of the night market- now in full swing. It was still early, and the crowds weren’t yet abundant as many stall owners were still setting up.

Lan Xichen sighed into the evening, loud and unashamed, before he jumped to the roof of the teashop without warning. 

Jiang Cheng cursed at the sudden departure and watched with thinly concealed panic as Lan Xichen lurched dangerously on the rooftop. 

“Lan Xichen!” He yelled.

“Jiang Wanyin!!!” Was his response. 

“Lan Xichen, get down from there!”

There was another hum of satisfaction. “Ah but my dear Jiang Wanyin, Yunmeng is exceptionally beautiful tonight!! How could I squander the view by remaining on the ground when I can appreciate it all from here?!!” 

At this point they were attracting quite a bit of attention and Jiang Cheng let loose another string of expletives as the townspeople stopped to watch the spectacle. 

_If word gets out that I got the Gusu Lan Sect Leader drunk Lan Qiren won’t only refuse to let Lan Xichen ever return to Lotus Pier, but he’ll bar me from the Cloud Recesses as if I was Wei Wuxian!_

“But how will you see what the stalls are selling from up there?” Jiang Cheng demanded, ignoring the onlookers. “You can't experience the true festivities of the night market from there!”

Lan Xichen cocked his head to the side like a curious bird. “I’ll miss the fun?”

“That’s right! If you want to stay there, then I’ll go into town and eat all the good food and have fun all by myself!”

Thankfully, that seemed to catch the drunk Sect Leader’s attention and he immediately descended from his perch. Not so fortunately however Jiang Cheng _panicked_ and made to catch his inebriated friend only to have him float down leisurely and unfairly graceful for someone so blatantly maudlin.

However fate wasn’t yet done tormenting the poor Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader because as soon as Lan Xichen saw the arms outstretched to save him from peril he wasn’t in, the man immediately mimicked the action, flinging himself not only into Jiang Cheng’s arms but bodily into him- knocking both men to the ground in a heap not befitting either of their stations.

Lan Xichen was giggling like a madman atop his unfortunate cushion that was flailing and hissing more like a watered-down cat than Sect Leader.

“You caught me!”

“Lan Xichen!! I forbid you from ever drinking again, you are insufferable!”

Jiang Cheng pushed the laughing man from his chest and sent him unsteadily sprawling into the street, where he seemed content to lay before Jiang Cheng grabbed him by the hand and pulled them both to their feet.

“I swear,” Jiang Cheng was grumbling, dusting off his unruly companion. “You Lan’s just can’t get drunk normally like the rest of us, you have to become a danger to yourself and society. What have I done to deserve this?”

The onlookers paired with this whole ordeal and topped with Lan Xichen’s entire form pressed snugly against and on top of him was more than Jiang Cheng’s frazzled nerves could take. He could feel the flush of heat coloring his cheeks and neck and the rosy tint bloomed to ruddy as Lan Xichen rolled forward. 

“Jiang Wanyin, did you know you’re very attractive when flustered?”

Just like many things that happened that night, this question came as a surprise and Jiang Cheng froze, but before he could even come up with any kind of response Lan Xichen was distracted by some stall down the road and he took off, leaving Jiang Cheng to chase after him. 

He caught up to Gusu Lan’s Sect Leader just in time to find him rattling a small wooden drum, fixated and the colorful tassels. 

“Jiang Wanyin!” He called as he approached, turning with another heart throbbing smile. “Look at this drum!! Isn’t it beautiful??!”

“Yeah.” Jiang Cheng mumbled, notably not looking at the drum. “Beautiful.”

Lan Xichen smiled blindingly and turned back to the vendor, brandishing the toy proudly as if he were the seller. “Your craftsmanship is extraordinary sir!! What are you owed?!” 

The man, partially confused but mostly grateful rattled of a small number of coins and after a few moments of Lan Xichen dazedly searching for his coin purse and exposing some portions of his chest, Jiang Cheng- red faced- thrust the appropriate change at the man and dragged Lan Xichen away.

The moon was just beginning to rise as Jiang Cheng took note of it. 

_It’s almost eight. I should get him back to Lotus Pier._

However, this undertaking seemed to be a much bigger ordeal than the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader expected, seeing as how Lan Xichen seemed hellbent on being the biggest inconvenience possible when drunk.

Although it was Jiang Cheng who was holding onto the wrist of Lan Xichen, it was often him that was getting tugged in the opposing direction of Lotus Pier as soon as anything remotely interesting caught the Gusu Lan Sect Leaders eye. 

And unfortunately, at a night market _everything_ was interesting.

It had been endearing at first, and Jiang Cheng found himself unable to deny Lan Xichen’s sparkling eyes and toothy smile anything. He could do little else than let himself be pulled to stall after stall as Lan Xichen caught sight of item after item of interest. 

It wasn’t until maybe the ninth time he’d been pulled off course and they were making no progress toward Lotus Pier that Jiang Cheng decided it was time to put his foot down.

He called out to Lan Xichen, who turned toward him with wonder in his eyes and a half eaten _boazi_ sticking out of his mouth.

“Lan Xichen, I think- mmf!” 

“Jiang Wanyin!! You must try these wonderful stream buns! They have the most delightful jams inside!!”

Before he’d even begun speaking Lan Xichen had shoved the other portion of the steamed bun he’d been eating into Jiang Cheng’s open mouth.

Jiang Cheng pinched the bridge of his nose and chewed quickly while Lan Xichen smiled sunnily at him.

Lan Xichen I really think-” 

“Wasn’t it good??”

“Sure, but Lan Xichen-” 

“I should get some to bring back to the disciples!” 

“Lan Xichen! We need to go back to Lotus Pier; we’re approaching your curfew!”

This finally seemed to garner Lan Xichen’s attention and his head immediately snapped up to the sky, taking in the positioning of the moon before whipping around to look at Jiang Cheng once more.

“It _is_ almost curfew!!” 

“Exactly.” Jiang Cheng sighed. “You wouldn’t want to break the rules, would you?”

“Absolutely not! We should hurry back at once!!”

Suddenly Jiang Cheng had his arms stuffed full of the various toys and treats he’d bought for Lan Xichen, and before he could blink, had been lifted into Lan Xichen’s arms as one would a maiden.

Color surged into Jiang Cheng’s face and he immediately started thrashing, mortified. 

“Lan Xichen!! Put me down this instant!”

However, instead of standing the Sect Leader back on his feet like he’d demanded Lan Xichen neatly mounted Shuoyue and took off towards Lotus Pier, despite his passengers flailing.

“I cannot, dropping you from this height would be very dangerous!”

“Then land and put me _down_.” 

“But this is the most efficient way to return in a timely manner, wouldn’t you agree?” 

“Hell no, I don’t agree! You shouldn’t even be flying, you’re _drunk_.” 

“Ahh, that is the case isn’t it?”

When it became obvious that no amount of arguing would end in Jiang Cheng keeping any form of dignity, he grudgingly asked that they land somewhere out of sight and Lan Xichen gave him another grin before descending into the back gardens.

Jiang Cheng jumped from Lan Xichen’s arms as soon as they were at a safe distance to do so, much to the latter’s protest.

“Jiang Wanyin! That is very dangerous, please act with more caution!!” Lan Xichen cried immediately upon landing.

He ran to Jiang Cheng patting him from cheek to knee as he uselessly checked for imaginary injuries. 

“That was less dangerous than flying in the grasp of someone who can’t keep his sword straight!” Jiang Cheng groused, while the inebriated Sect Leader gently prodded him. 

Lan Xichen gasped in a ‘how dare you’ sort of manner before raising to his full height, and despite their height difference being minimal he still somehow towered over Jiang Cheng. 

“Jiang Wanyin I would never willingly put you into any kind of danger. I implore you to remember this.” Lan Xichen then grasped Jiang Cheng’s hand between his own, holding it tightly, before looking the other man directly in the eye in a manner- so serious from his typical childlike nature over the course of the night that it made Jiang Cheng squirm. “I’ve lost many who were important to me, too many I cared for. I refuse to do the same for you.”

Uncomfortable from the change in atmosphere and sudden somber mood Jiang Cheng untangled himself from Lan Xichen’s grasp but didn’t move any further away.

Looking away, he said, “Well lucky for you I plan on being around for a while, I have a Sect to run after all.” 

Lan Xichen’s morose gaze turned warm again and he smiled, “And you do so beautifully!”

Having had enough embarrassment for one-night Jiang Cheng ignored the praise and instead started corralling Lan Xichen in the direction of his rooms. “C’mon, it’s time for bed.” 

Luckily for the both of them there seemed to be no one patrolling the paths they chose and therefore no one saw their Sect Leader having to nudge an excitable and overly chatty Lan Xichen in some form of straight line towards the guest chambers. 

Once inside Lan Xichen’s room he rounded on Jiang Cheng after finishing some inane rambling about the different kinds of koi fish.

“I noticed you did not acknowledge my praise of how you lead Yunmeng! After all our conversations and how close we’ve become are you still unable to believe me?” 

“We’re not having this conversation. Go to bed.” 

Ever a Lan and ever stubborn Lan Xichen grabbed Jiang Cheng by the wrist and tugged him toward the bed until they sat side by side upon it. Jiang Cheng remained looking away even as Lan Xichen began to speak. 

“Jiang Wanyin, you are revered and respected by both the cultivation world, your peers and your students. You are adored by those who know you and the Yunmeng Jiang Sect has flourished under your tutelage even at a young age. What causes you to be so unassuming to yourself?”

“Sometimes these things are ingrained in a person.” Jiang Cheng said tiredly. “They take time and effort to overcome. And even if I’m still unsure about Wei Wuxian’s return, what I do know is that I am once again second best...”

Lan Xichen placed his hand over Jiang Cheng’s leaning into his field of vision until he turned to look at him.

“You are second to none for me. Surely you are aware I’m fond of you?”

Jiang Cheng blinked owlishly at him. “Sure, I know. I’m fond of you too.” 

This only seemed to make Lan Xichen tenser however and he squeezed Jiang Cheng’s hand until it was almost painful.

“No, I mean, Jiang Wanyin I-”

Then to Jiang Cheng’s surprise and eventual horror Lan Xichen suddenly lurched forward, flopping into Jiang Cheng’s lap as he tried to catch the man.

“Lan Xichen??” Jiang Cheng shouted to Lan Xichen’s now unconscious form.

The only response he received was the soft sound of Lan Xichen’s breathing and- as if to mock him- the tolling of the nine o'clock bell outside.

“Son of a bitch.”

Jiang Cheng groaned, unable to believe the shit show that was his life. 

Of course, _of course_ Lan Xichen would get absolutely thrashed on accident, embarrass himself and Jiang Cheng as an excitable, stubborn drunk shouting his way through Yunmeng only to then collapse into sleep immediately at his bedtime. Of _course,_ this had to happen to Jiang Cheng.

The only silver lining was that Lan Xichen turned out to be an adorable, if a bit out of control drunkard. Perfectly sufficient for friendly blackmail and story time at a party.

“At least I got something out of the ordeal.” Jiang Cheng complained weakly as he sat for a few moments, enamored by the softness of Lan Xichen’s features relaxed in sleep.

Something tight in Jiang Cheng’s chest unraveled at the image and a soft smile, known only to himself, widened his lips the slightest bit. 

“You certainly are a handful Lan Xichen.” He murmured.

He grazed the back of his knuckles over the curve of Lan Xichen’s cheek in a moment of surprising affection before pulling his hand back sharply.

_I must be more tired than I thought. I’ll leave him to rest._

However, the gods must have truly been irritated with him this night, because as soon as Jiang Cheng made to lift himself off the bed and move Lan Xichen to a position more comfortable for each of them, Lan Xichen made a sleepy noise and locked him arms around Jiang Cheng’s hips- sealing his fate.

Jiang Cheng struggled to extricate himself from the grip, but the strength was overwhelming, unrelenting and after some time and several failed escape attempts Jiang Cheng realized he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

There were several strings of curses, more futile wriggling, and ventures to wake Lan Xichen up before Jiang Cheng dragged himself- and Lan Xichen- to the wall and propped himself up in preparation for a sleepless night. 

Lan Xichen woke slowly in the morning. It was as though each part awakened separately, starting at his extremities, and working inward until he was dragged into consciousness. He would be alert at the time of his rising but bask a few moments in the calm wakefulness that followed a good rest.

But this morning was obviously different from others. 

He woke, as he always did, but the processes of consciousness was more difficult than usual. He didn’t exactly feel ill, but his mind felt slow, syrupy in its stirring, and he found it difficult to rise to the surface of his waking mind and body. He felt a stranger in his own limbs and moaned his discomfort.

And then a voice shattered the remaining cobwebs of sleep, ripping Lan Xichen to awareness so quickly he felt dizzy with it.

“Sleep well?”

Lan Xichen’s eyes snapped open and he found himself eye to eye with Jiang Cheng, still propped up, obviously unrested and looking down at where Lan Xichen had rolled over onto his back on his thighs. His expression was unreadable.

Panicked, Lan Xichen abruptly sat up, nearly headbutting Jiang Cheng in the process.

“Jiang Wanyin! I’m- last night I-” He trailed off, obviously mortified and rosy cheeked.

“What do you remember?” 

“I- I remember the tea shop, and not much else. Jiang Wanyin if there is anything I can do to make up for my actions-” 

“Ah stop before you hurt yourself thinking so hard.” Jiang Cheng yawned. “You didn’t do much aside from yell from rooftops, have me buy you a multitude of toys and sweets, fly drunkenly on a sword and trap me in your bed. A typical evening in Gusu I’m sure.” 

Lan Xichen’s face only seemed to flush more and more with each addition and by the end of Jiang Cheng’s statement his entire face and what was exposed of his chest was a mottled red.

“You remained here all night?”

Jiang Cheng snorted, stretching his numb legs, and rolling his stiff neck now that he was finally free to do so, “Of course. Every time I tried to get up, you’d wrap yourself so tightly around my waist I thought my ribs would crack.”

Lan Xichen looked like he might be ill, he made to kotow but was immediately stopped by Jiang Cheng. “Lan Xichen, that’s not necessary and you know it.”

Lan Xichen slowly raised his eyes, still flushed but he thankfully looked less like he would be sick from shame.

“I’m very sorry.”

Jiang Cheng waved his hand dismissively. “It was an accident; it was my fault for taking the recommendation without considering the possibility there could be liquor in the tea. However, I must say Lan Xichen, you are quite a force of nature after drinking.”

Lan Xichen smiled, a part shy and a part ashamed. “So I’ve been told.”

Though desperately wanting to know the story behind that statement a yawn crawled its way up Jiang Cheng’s throat and he exhaled noisily. “Though I am no stranger to sleepless nights I think it might be best if I retire for a few hours. I have a meeting with some rouge cultivators with some concerns on the borders and it may be pertinent I speak with them with my thoughts intact. I’d appreciate it greatly if you could lead the disciples' training in my absence.” 

Lan Xichen’s cheeks flushed rosy once more. “My apologies for my inappropriate behavior.”

Jiang Cheng shrugged and stood, stretching in a cat like manner on his way to the door. “Oh, I’m sure there were much more, _inappropriate_ things that can happen in a bedroom. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

Behind him there was a choking sound, but Jiang Cheng resolutely stared forward, managing to calmly blurt out some kind of farewell before closing the door behind him and nearly collapsing upon it. 

His face was _burning_.

 _What the actual hell is wrong with me?!_ He inwardly screamed. _It must be the lack of sleep. He just deserves some discomfort after the mayhem that was last night, that’s all._

And Jiang Cheng continued to repeat these internal assurances, making his way back to his room for a rest. Leaving behind a very flustered and very inflamed Lan Xichen who made preparations for a long period of meditation. 

\------------

The meeting went off without a hitch. 

Jiang Cheng- rested, fed and bathed- met the trio of cultivators at the gate of Lotus Pier, two men and a woman, who had written him a few days earlier regarding some fierce corpses spotted at the out-most villages of Yunmeng. 

Apparently, a group of bandits had been stealing into the village cemeteries and digging up graves to steal the deceased’s burial goods, leaving a mess of unsettled spirits in their wake.

According to the trio they had initially taken to attempting to put the spirits to rest and honor their memories before moving to pursue the grave robbers but their numbers were greater and could dig graves and move to the next village faster than the cultivators could put the spirits at ease. 

Eventually they attempted to chase the bandits directly but several villages now needed help regarding the fierce corpses as a result because the common folk were too scared to rebury their loved ones with their shambling bodies guarding the burial grounds.

So far, the fierce corpses themselves hadn’t posed much of a threat to the villagers themselves and no attacks had been reported, however, the longer the spirits were left agitated the more dangerous they could become. 

Jiang Cheng listened attentively to their concerns and devised a plan to split his disciples into four groups; three of which would be led by each of the rogue cultivators to the villages still in need of help while the final group led by himself would pursue the band of grave robbers directly.

Lan Xichen would no doubt dislike the idea of remaining at Lotus Pier, but Jiang Cheng hated the idea of leading Zewu-jun, still fresh out of seclusion, into possible injury, more.

They made arrangements to leave in two days’ time- in order to procure supplies and secure their routes- before several servants were instructed to make up some rooms for their guests in the meantime. 

When the assembly adjourned it was surprisingly late and Jiang Cheng realized he hadn’t seen Lan Xichen since at least midday. 

Feeling the part of an ungracious host he immediately made his way to the training grounds, dining hall, guest rooms and private dock to find them all void of Lan Xichen.

The disciples and servant girls he asked all seemed just as ignorant of their guests' whereabouts.

It wasn’t until his third time passing a shadowed pavilion that he stopped himself, spotting white and blue robes of the Gusu Lan shrouded in the dark of twilight.

Lan Xichen stood alone on a single pier, his head angled back, and eyes closed as he allowed the soft caress of the wind to paint along his cheeks. The paleness of hangover had long since left him and at a distance he looked lively and vibrant, even when standing so still.

Jiang Cheng considered leaving him to himself for a moment, not wanting to break whatever serene atmosphere Lan Xichen had created for himself. But his legs were carrying him to the pier before he could think better of it. 

Isn’t this what their relationship has been since the beginning? He wondered. They’ve broken so many barriers between them, what’s one more?

He came to a stop beside Lan Xichen who no doubt had sensed his presence, but he made no move to acknowledge him upon his arrival, which suited the former just fine. Comfortable silence was something that had cultivated between them and it encased them in its familiarity. 

They remained that way for a few moments before Lan Xichen broke the silence. 

“I see you found me.”

Jiang Cheng chuckled, “I assume it would’ve been more difficult had you not wanted to be found.” 

Lan Xichen hummed something melodic and fleeting. “I was curious about lotus seed pods.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve been told they're better with the stems still attached. I haven’t had the opportunity to see for myself however.”

Jiang Cheng made an indiscernible sound, knowing exactly who that had come from.

He kneeled then, rolling up his sleeves and to Lan Xichen’s surprise reached into the surrounding waters and broke several seed pods from their stems before pulling them from the river. 

He gave Lan Xichen a withering look from where he was sitting- sprawled out improperly with the lotus pods lying between his spread legs- in a pose quite unbecoming for a sect leader.

But this wasn’t the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader was it? This was Jiang Cheng.

“What are you still standing for?” He demanded, throwing a pod unceremoniously to Lan Xichen- who fumbled with it for a moment. “What better time to test that theory than with fresh lotus seeds from Lotus Pier’s own docks.”

Lan Xichen nodded dumbly for a moment before kneeled across from Jiang Cheng with a sweet smile on his face. 

Jiang Cheng merely grunted. 

They peeled the seeds in silence, amassing a small pile on a handkerchief Lan Xichen had spread out between them but insisting he try them only _after_ they were finished shelling.

“How was your discussion with the rouge cultivators?” He asked after a while.

Jiang Cheng spoke around a cheek full of seeds. “Fine. There are some grave robbers stirring up some low level fierce corpses but nothing full of resentment, mostly the corpses are just disturbed and guarding their burial sites. But the villagers are too scared to rebury them until their spirits are laid to rest.”

“Will you be taking over the investigation then?” 

A nod. “We leave in two days’ time.” 

“I may need to gather some more talismans.” Lan Xichen hummed.

Jiang Cheng shook his head; a slight furrow creased his brow. 

“You’re not coming.” 

Lan Xichen stopped peeling immediately, fixing Jiang Cheng with an incredulous look. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“I said you’re not coming.”

Lan Xichen lowered the lotus pod into his lap, “Jiang Wanyin I assure you I would not be a hindrance.”

“I’m sure you wouldn't be. But they’re easy enough prey that I and my sect will have it under control.”

“I don't doubt you would but I don’t feel that I would be unhelpful.”

“I’d rather not risk you getting injured while a guest in my territory. Your brother hates me enough as it is.”

That startled a laugh out of Lan Xichen, and he started peeling once more as he said, “Wangji doesn’t hate you, not really.”

Jiang Cheng snorted. “He’s hated me since we were kids in Gusu.” 

Lan Xichen hummed. “Jealous of? Yes. Hated? No. He wanted the easy friendship you shared with Young Master Wei. One he was too shy and unsure to pursue on his own. But that is a separate matter. I’m going with you with your approval or without it. I can take care of myself.” 

“You weren’t before I dragged your ass out of the Hanshi.”

“And how kind of you to do so.”

“One has to be when dealing with such a demure maiden.”

“Oh, am I? Well if my memory serves me correctly, between us the one with the more shapely figure is none other than yoursel-”

Lan Xichen blinked, startled by the handful of lotus seeds that had been shoveled into his mouth, effectively silencing him.

Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng was kneeling forward on one leg in an attempt to get closer and therefore end Lan Xichen’s embarrassing statement prematurely.

He’d fed the seeds he’d originally taken for himself to Lan Xichen in a flustered attempt to shut him up before his face could become anymore crimson.

“What the hell are you saying?” He hissed, fingers still hovering over Lan Xichen’s mouth. “Where have you been looking? Faultless gentleman my ass. Are you even a Lan?”

Lan Xichen seemed to recover from the initial shock of Jiang Cheng’s sudden action, and he laughed- something Jiang Cheng realized with startling clarity that he could feel against his fingers. Lan Xichen must have realized the same because he suddenly stopped laughing, eyes wide.

They remained frozen, caught in the darkness of each other's gazes and the gravity of personal space.

“Were they good?” Jiang Cheng croaked. “With the stems attached?”

Lan Xichen’s tongue darted out to wet his lips and Jiang Cheng gasped as he felt its heat swipe along the pad of one of his fingers.

His eyes were dark, hooded and Jiang Cheng swayed forward to hear his quiet response. 

“Yes...” Lan Xichen sighed against his fingers. “Very sweet.”

The soft grazes had Jiang Cheng’s body erupting in shivers and he could feel Lan Xichen’s own responding shudders against his hand.

Jiang Cheng’s tongue slid out to wet his own dry mouth and Lan Xichen brazenly tracked the movement.

“Lan Xichen, I-”

“SECT LEADER JIANG!! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

Jiang Cheng was on his feet so fast he nearly lost balance and tumbled directly into the river. “I’m here!”

He remained facing away, trying to give Lan Xichen a moment of privacy, unbeknownst to him that if he turned he’d see Lan Xichen had leaned forward, directly into the place Jiang Cheng’s mouth would have been had they not been interrupted.

A group of disciples heard Jiang Cheng’s response and immediately converged on their position.

Lan Xichen joined Jiang Cheng at his side as the disciples approached, their earlier atmosphere dissipated as they waited to hear what was so important that even the warning bells were tolling.

“Sect Leader’s! We’ve just received news of a large assembly of fierce corpses on the outskirts of the village town! They are weak in power, but their numbers are great!”

Jiang Cheng swore. “The grave robbers must have moved quicker than we expected, and the corpses have gathered here as the largest area of yang energy. Sound the alarms in town! Warn citizens to stay indoors no matter what is seen or heard and to abandon their night market stalls if they must. When you are finished meet me at the gates prepared for battle!” 

“Sir!”

The disciples dispersed to complete their tasks in preparation for the fight and Jiang Cheng also made to ready himself before he was stopped by a firm hand on his bicep.

He turned to meet Lan Xichen’s gaze which was fiery with determination.

“I’m coming too.” 

“Lan Xichen, you haven’t been in battle since you left seclusion. Sparring doesn’t count as combat and you _know_ it.”

“I’ve had more than my fair share of experience and _you_ know _that.”_

Jiang Cheng frustratedly scrubbed a hand over his face. “Dammit, could you not be so stubborn for once? Can’t you see I’m worried about you?”

“Be more worried about the citizens in danger right now.” 

“...”

Lan Xichen shook Jiang Cheng’s arm. “Jiang Wanyin, _please._ ” He begged.

 _I’m worried about you too._ His eyes said. 

“...you will not leave my side.” 

“I wasn’t planning too.” 

A stiff nod in response. 

“Let’s go!”


	10. Into Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all real quick thank you so so much for your neverending patience and sweet comments. I haven't been doing very well into terms of life but know that I plan to finish this fic and have plans for more in the future !! I hope you'll continue to enjoy and I'd love to hear your feedback as always!! Thank you!! And mind the new tags!

In the blue-black hue of the nighttide sky fifty-two cultivators took to the stars on their swords; fifty-one violet and one white.

The battalion flew in tight formation over the heads of the townspeople within their houses and those who were brave enough could see their silhouettes against the star-spotted sky as they peeked through their curtains. In the streets, the disciples stationed to protect the home's inhabitants raised their hands and swords in acknowledgment to their brothers and sisters as they flew past. 

At the head of the brigade, Jiang Cheng was grimacing. His white-knuckled grip on Sandu’s sheathe loosening only slightly as he saw Lan Xichen drift into his peripheral vision.

“Are you alright?” 

Jiang Cheng ground his teeth together and swallowed with a click that was lost to the wind billowing around them. “Fine.” 

Lan Xichen’s disbelieving gaze did not leave him and Jiang Cheng could feel the ghost of a concerned hand on his shoulder, certain that it would be a reality had they been on the ground. He glanced at Lan Xichen and made a rough sound in his throat. 

“None of this situation is exactly ideal.” He grunted.

The soft expression of a worried friend hardened as Lan Xichen returned his gaze to the emptied streets below. “Agreed.”

There was a silence between them for a few moments. Interspersed only with sounds of the night and the occasional conversation drifting from the town and at times the disciples trailing behind them.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Jiang Cheng said after a while. 

Lan Xichen’s response was a wry smile. “I thought you wanted me to stay behind.” 

The scowl returned and Jiang Cheng had to tramp down on the urge to swing closer and swat at his fellow Sect Leader in front of a gaggle of gossiping teenagers. Instead, he said, “I did. But you and I both know you wouldn’t have, so instead can’t I just be glad you’re here?”

There was silence in response but Lan Xichen’s expression softened to something that simultaneously made Jiang Cheng want to punch a wall and do whatever stupid thing he could to make Lan Xichen do it again. 

“Are you worried?”

A snort. 

“This is hardly our first night hunt. It's a bit unplanned but what isn’t these days?”

Whatever retort Lan Xichen had planned to make was cut as a ghostly howl pierced the tranquil night, tearing through the trees and startling a burst of excited chatter from the disciples. 

Cresting over a crop of trees Jiang Cheng motioned for everyone to halt as they surveyed the clearing.

Below them were several dozens of corpses, shambling forward in some broken semblance of unity. Their deteriorated forms advanced slowly through wet mud and clinging grass, although few showed signs of mangled bodies or missing limbs most common for those who suffered a painful death.

The number was larger than anticipated and Jiang Cheng scowled, unsure what the next course of action should be. He glanced at Lan Xichen who was wearing a thoughtful expression. “What do you think?”

The man-made a thoughtful noise, lips thinning with concentration. “The resentful energy isn’t strong. Their graves have been disrupted and burial goods taken but they aren’t seeking revenge, instead, they are lost. Without the ability to rest.” 

“Then theoretically if we attack and subdue their forms, restoring their burial sights should put their spirits at ease, correct?” 

A terse nod. “That seems to be the source of their unrest, yes.” 

“Good.”  _ But then how do we go about fighting this many corpses?  _

As if he could read his mind Lan Xichen took his xiao from his belt. “My Liebing is capable of contacting and soothing spirits just as it can suppress them. I’ve never used it against so many corpses at once but I may have an idea.” When Jiang Cheng remained silent, he continued. “I may not be able to completely halt their movements but I may be able to corral them to a single spot where they can be surrounded.”

Jiang Cheng’s eyes flashed and he grinned. “Sounds like a plan.”

\------------

Jiang Cheng made the circuit for a second time before deciding that they were ready to put their plan into action. In theory, it was simple but one could never be too careful with these types of things, lives were at stake after all.

The disciples of the Yunmeng Jiang were encircling the perimeter of the clearing, making sure no corpses could escape and any that strayed too close to the tree's edges were quickly dispatched. Jiang Cheng took his place in the circlet and glanced up to where Lan Xichen was hovering above them all, still perched on Shuoyue, Liebing at the ready.

Lan Xichen looked solemn, the most serious he’d been since he arrived in Lotus Pier. Obviously, the idea of having to injure just lost souls that held no resentment didn't sit well with Lan Sect Leader. And why would it? The Lan Sect, above all else, prided itself in its musical cultivation, able to subdue spirits through appeasement, eliminating only when all else fails. The idea of harming spirits whose only crime was disrupted rest and confused frustration would not sit well with any renowned Lan. 

Then Lan Xichen’s eyes found his in the dark, his lips were a thin line and his brow was furrowed, it looked foreign on him. Jiang Cheng once again felt a pang of worry at Lan Xichen’s distance from the battlefield lately, but he chalked it up to nighthunt nerves and gave the signal that they were ready to begin.

_ He’ll be li above the battle anyway. _

Jiang Cheng squared his shoulders and lowered his stance in preparation as the icey notes of the xiao broke the stillness of the clearing, drowning out the sounds of creaking joints and disembodied groans. The chords echoed through trees, infusing the air with power that settled over the glade like fresh snow. The snaking tendrils of spiritual energy curled their spindling fingers over the glazed eyes of the fallen, influencing their already shambled souls and herding them to the middle. Jiang Cheng shivered as he felt the wisp of Lan Xichen’s soothing divination slide over his shoulders like a caress. 

The lurching footsteps of the corpses thudded as they all but dragged their waning bodies as Lan Xichen directed, and as they moved the Jiang Sect moved forward as well, slowly tightening the circle surrounding the fierce corpses.

The circle continued to shrink as the Sect edged ever closer, but about three zhang into the inner circle something went wrong.

A disciple two persons away from Jiang Cheng’s position moved to close to one of the corpses drawing its attention from Lan Xichen’s thrawl. It made a ghostly wailing sound, dislocated jaw cracking sickeningly where it hung uselessly, pinned only by greenish-gray skin.

The disciple made a yelping sound as the once sluggish corpse moved with the inhuman speed only their kind possessed and put his arms over his head in feeble defense.

It was then that the crackling sound of electricity filled the air followed swiftly by the scent of burnt flesh and ash.

Zidian was wrapped around the corpse's neck like a lead, its clawed fingers mere cun from the disciples' paling face. The voltage of the whip tore at the useless chords of the corpses throat, tearing them asunder and filling the clearing with the acrid smell of rotten blood and the only gurgling sound the charred pipes could make in response.

Jiang Cheng pulled Zidian taught with a grimace, and with a final gut-wrenching squelch, the fierce corpses head was rent from what was left of its neck. The body fell to the ground with a dull thud.

Blood was now in the air, and if the haunting moans of the corpses weren’t enough to attract the attention of the rest of the horde then the freshness red blood turned to congealing sludge was more than enough to awaken killing intent.

Without the time to properly scold the disciple for their mistakes, Jiang Cheng settled for a glare before turning and heading headfirst into the throng, his juniors not far behind. 

He unleashed Sandu first, sending his faithful blade weaving nimbly through the first wave of bodies to reach him. The corpses shuddered and dropped as Sandu passed them by, tearing the backs of their knees to ribbons, at times separating entire legs, and leaving them immobile; almost. 

Unable to register fear, pain, or the lack of control of limbs, the stilted bodies would try to drag themselves forward, business still unfinished, but Jiang Cheng was faster. With a wide slashing motion, he lashed out with Zidian, electricity cracking as it arched out, colliding with the necks and heads of the kneeling corpses. 

Without beating hearts the gaping wounds dripped sluggishly, but the momentum Zidian carried as it returned to it’s master carried with it the spatting of putrid blood and Jiang Cheng tsk’d at the banal idea of having to return to Lotus Pier covered in grime, driving his sword through another corpse as he mused.

Jiang Cheng didn’t stop to check if any of the corpses he’d maimed had truly stayed dead this time around. The disciples behind him checked for signs of animation as they passed over the slumped forms, dispatching when necessary before spreading out to the outer ends of the swarm while Jiang Cheng charged through the middle.

Fresh death permeated the air and resentment for death a second time coiled around the remaining corpses, building more and more as each wave was cut down.

Jiang Cheng whirled through the battle, his body a weapon and his weapons and extension of himself. He sliced through bone and sinew with the strength and ferocity that earned him the name of Sandu Shengshou. 

As he cut his path through the heart of the fierce corpses Lan Xichen’s melody followed him, draped over his shoulders like a blanket and lashing out at anything that strayed to close. Jiang Cheng swiped to his left, finishing off a butchered corpse with Zidian a moment too late. Another rounded on him from the right, away from the disciple it had been attempting to claw.

The corpse pounced while Zidian was still carrying its momentum in the opposite direction and Sandu, built more for strength than speed, would not return to him fast enough. Jiang Cheng bared his teeth and braced himself for an attack that never came. 

Instead, a burst of spiritual energy sent the fierce corpse flying backward with such force it knocked down at least three more with it, allowing for the nearby disciples to neutralize them with general ease. 

The energy then recloaked Jiang Cheng, settling over him like a contented cat sprawling in a sunny window. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and grunted out a thank you as he caught Sandu on it’s way by and sent an arching pulse of his own spiritual energy into a group of approaching corpses. Jiang Cheng smiled as he felt the familiar timbre of Lan Xichen’s voice rumble its acknowledgment through the energy surrounding him. 

\------------

It was not long after that the rest of the fierce corpses had been dealt with. The eldest disciples boasted to their shidi about how many corpses they took down while others made faces, wringing muck and grime from their robes.

Jiang Cheng stepped over the mangled bodies with a familiarity that stemmed from war but an expression of someone who would never get used to it. Before him, Lan Xichen dismounted Shouyue with a grace only a Lan would possess in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield.

Casualties were minor scratches at minimum and a few fractured ribs at worst, nothing too serious for a cultivator. Despite this Lan Xichen crossed to Jiang Cheng with a placating smile on his face- the kind you’d wear to ease a stray cat before grabbing it and tossing it into a bath. Jiang Cheng made a face, but before he could escape the Lan Sect Leader grabbed his hand and the coolness of spiritual power was wrapping itself around Jiang Cheng’s forearm. 

“It’s just a minor gash.” Jiang Cheng drawled. “It would’ve been gone by morning.”

Lan Xichen just blinked slowly at him, like Jiang Cheng was being particularly dense. “That’s not the point.”

The two men stared at each other for a few more moments, considering.

A soft clearing of a throat from the right had Jiang Cheng ripping his hand away and nearly jumping out of his skin. Lan Xichen was biting his lip to avoid smiling and Jiang Cheng turned to address the disciple waiting for him in an attempt to stop staring. 

The disciple bowed to them both. “Sect Leader Jiang, what are your instructions?”

Jiang Cheng glanced around the clearing with a thoughtful expression. “Split into groups, follow the trails of resentment, find which villages burial sites have been dug up, and restore them to appease the dead. Take note of the fierce corpses clothes, jewelry and identifiable items and once you’ve found a disturbed village ask its residents about they're missing loved ones and restore the bodies to their proper resting place. Once you’re finished hunt any force corpses that may have wandered away on their own and wait for my signal. Lan Xichen, I and the remaining disciples will track the thieves and recover the goods that were stolen.”

The disciples all bowed their heads with a resounding ‘sir!’ and set about scurrying around and gathering their forces. Once the teams were assembled the groups mounted their swords and took off into the dusk in each cardinal direction.

Those that remained watched them go from the ground before Jiang Cheng took stock of who remained behind. Six juniors blinked back at him, two senior disciples and four younger. Jiang Cheng nodded at them before turning to Lan Xichen, who had sidled up to him as they watched the others depart. 

“Do you have any idea where the dissidents may be heading next?” He asked. 

“I think so.” Jiang Cheng muttered. “Based on the reports from the cultivators I met with earlier three outer villages had been disturbed, but the smaller towns between them hadn’t. If these grave robbers are truly stealing indiscriminately then what’s stopping them from stealing from an even smaller town and therefore easier target?”

Lan Xichen made a thoughtful sound; “You don’t believe they are familiar with Yunmeng.” He determined. 

A nod. “They’re heading to the villages most people know about via travel or word of mouth and are following the road. Or at least are staying within eyesight it but traveling amongst the trees so they don’t lose their way. And if that’s the case we may be able to intercept them before they reach the next town. I’m certain the unexpected army of corpses depending on Lotus Pier has slowed them down to some degree. Now is the best time to pursue them before they can cause any more trouble.” 

“I agree.” 

“Then it’s settled. Everyone, come this way, do not stray from the road or each other. If you become separated from the group ride your swords back to Lotus Pier and wait for my return. The last thing we need is a hostage situation.” 

And with that Jiang Cheng spun on his heel and started a swift march to the northwest, followed by Lan Xichen sweeping in elegantly to his left while the remaining disciples hurried to follow.

They walked in silence, lest they alert their prey, every so often halting when the snapping sound of a twig or the whistling tune of wind through trees revealed a startled animal rather than an attacker.

They moved silently in the darkness of the forest for several li, they must have been a short distance away from their destination when an arm wrapped itself securely around Jiang Cheng’s middle, startling him before he was pulled back into a firm chest.

He thrashed, hissing like a cornered animal when Lan Xichen’s low timbre vibrated along his spine where they were pressed together.

“Jiang Wanyin. There’s an array.” 

Jiang Cheng finally stopped his writhing and took in the space ahead of him. He’d been staring towards the road to watch for any movement and had been so caught up in his observation that he nearly walked headfirst into a trap. 

The air between crops of trees before them was distorted with waves, the kind of waves derived from a talisman of some kind, though not a very strong one. Had it been more powerful it would be more difficult to detect and blend better with it’s surroundings. It seemed the band of thieves they were pursuing were not cultivators, or at least not ones of note or prestige.

“It’s not powerful.” Jiang Cheng finally whispered back. “It seems like the kind of half-assed talismans charlatans on the street sell for triple their worth. That is if they actually work as advertised.” 

The soft chuckle Lan Xichen tried to contain rumbled through Jiang Cheng where they were still pressed together. “Luckily I recognize this work.”

Jiang Cheng made an inquiring noise and swayed back into the pressure behind him.

“Wei Wuxian has taught this particular array to our disciples. It’s meant for monsters who dislike the light, it creates a flash that temporarily blinds whatever steps through it. It’s effects differ to what trips it, for instance, the stronger the cultivator the less time it lasts.” 

_ Speaking of juniors-  _ Jiang Cheng froze for a moment before rocketing himself out of Lan Xichen’s impromptu embrace, his face was burning. He took a few moments to compose himself before turning back around, the disciples, meanwhile, were studiously looking at anything other than either Sect Leader.

“Lan Xichen,” He said after a moment. “Based on this array, is it safe to assume they are meaning to ambush us rather than incapacitate?”

Lan Xichen considered this for a moment before nodding. “It’s not something that would derail us for long, certainly not long enough that they could complete their robbery. This array is meant to give its users enough time to surround those affected. They are most likely lying in wait beyond the barrier.”

There was silence for a moment and the disciples shared looks amongst themselves as their seniors discussed in soft hurried tones. Jiang Cheng paced for a few moments, face twisted in concentration before gesturing everyone near.

“I’ll be the bait.” He declared. “Everyone mount your swords and wait for the flash. Remain above the tops of the trees and out of sight but not high enough that you could be spotted. Do not move from your positions until the enemy is exposed. Is that clear?” 

“Yes sir-”

“No.” 

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “Lan Xichen now is not the time.”

“This is dangerous.” 

“For a junior maybe! These men are disorganized, desperate, and obviously traveling on foot and therefore not cultivators. The worst this array can do is give me annoying spots in my eyes for a few minutes and I experience that when I walk out into the sun in the morning.”

Lan Xichen’s mouth remained downturned, expression sour and Jiang Cheng leveled him with a glare of his own. They remained locked in some kind of internal dialogue for some time before Jiang Cheng made a grunting sound and Lan Xichen’s expression turned to something too smug for a Lan. 

“Fine!” Jiang Cheng growled, and after a moment Zidian lit up, unraveling slowly. It slithered under Jiang Cheng’s outer robes, glowing softly as it coiled around his chest about four times before it stopped glimmering, nearly invisible in the dark of night.

Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng an unreadable expression and other man huffed, gesturing to his bound chest. “If anyone gets too close or tries to touch me in any way Zidian will lash out at them.”

This didn’t seem to entirely please Lan Xichen but he visibly relaxed at least. 

With that settled Jiang Cheng gave his orders and everyone mounted their swords, flying up above the trees, ever so slightly out of sight but able to return quickly at the first sign of trouble. Lan Xichen was the last to go, giving Jiang Cheng a slight squeeze on the forearm before melting up and into the shadows. 

Once alone Jiang Cheng took a few moments to pace in the dirt, snapping twigs and reaching up to rustle low hanging branches in a way that would not only set the ambushers on alert, but sound like there was a multitude of people passing through.

He then took a deep breath, and stepped into the array. 

It worked about as expected. A few zhang into the trees there was a bright blinding light that seemed to erupt from nowhere. Jiang Cheng made a yelping sound, it was sudden and glaringly bright despite the fact he knew it was coming. He dropped to a crouch and waited.

After a few moments, the rustling sound of footsteps broke the silence, and Jiang Cheng could pick up the presence of six men as they crept toward him. They spoke in a rough and quicksilver accent that Jiang Cheng had difficultly following. They seemed confused to only have caught one Jiang and after a time someone must have reached out to grab him because Jiang Cheng felt Zidian unleash a pulse of lightning, sending the man flying back and into the dirt. 

“It’s the Jiang Sect Leader!” One of the men shouted.

“Indeed it is.” Lan Xichen’s voice rang out from somewhere above them. Jiang Cheng couldn’t see what exactly happened but he heard the worried shouts of the men as the disciples surrounded and subdued them. There were no sounds of swords or weapons, but they were unnecessary, upon being surrounded the men gave up, clearly out of their depth.

A hand on his arm brought Jiang Cheng out of his daze and he pushed himself up a bit unsteadily to his feet with the support. Large hands cupped his cheeks as Jiang Cheng blinked his unseeing eyes open. The talisman had begun to lose its effect but bright spots still hung like moons in his vision. 

Jiang Cheng already knew who had the audacity to hold him so but when the soothing dredges of Lan Xichen’s spiritual reserves flowed from his cheeks to his eyes like tear tracks Jiang Cheng couldn’t help but make a small noise of relief.

“I could’ve healed it myself.” He half-heartedly complained. 

“I know.” was the response. 

After a few moments, Lan Xichen’s worried face swam into vision and Jiang Cheng smiled a bit drunkenly at him. “Hello there.” 

Lan Xichen’s eyes did that soft thing that made Jiang Cheng want to hit something as he responded.

“Hello.”

Jiang Cheng disentangled himself from Lan Xichen’s grip and turned to see what exactly they were up against.

As he had sensed earlier, six men sat bound at the wrists with their backs pressed together. They looked defiant, but underneath the steely exteriors, they were obviously worried about what would be done to them. One man, in particular, seemed to be on edge and he scowled as Jiang Cheng approached. 

“I can assume you’re the leader then?” Jiang Cheng said, towering over the men where they sat tied to one another. 

“What of it?” The man hissed.

Jiang Cheng scoffed before Zidian unbound itself from his chest, hanging menacingly from his wrist and trailing the ground in front of the man, whos face had gone white with fear. “You’re not from Yunmeng, and I assume you’d have a good reason for coming into my territory and making a mess of things. So you’re going to tell me, or feel my wrath.” 

The man, all bravado gone introduced himself as Wan Kang. “Please spare us Jiang Zongzhu! We only mean to protect our village from harm!” 

Jiang Cheng lowered his eyes, wary, but Lan Xichen- ever the diplomat- stepped forward. “Please explain what exactly you mean by that.”

“We come from territory in Qinghe, the far outskirts, in a village that is meant to be protected by the Zedong Wu Sect. Several moons ago our village had become plagued by a hungry spirit. It laid waste to our crops, poisoned our waters, and gnawed on the spirits of those with weak hearts. We went to the Wu Sect to beg for their help but they deemed it below them and when we continued to plead they named an impossible price and sent us away! We had no choice young masters! We can’t expect those protected by prominent clans to understand our village's hardships and so we meant to steal only what we had to pay the cultivation Sect’s fee.”

Both the expressions of Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng hardened as Wan Kang spun his tale. 

The Wu Sect was an up and coming Sect, established in the recent decade by those of the Qinghe Nie that were displeased with the ‘headshaker’ becoming their new leader. They left the Nie and established their own Sect in an attempt to bring back glory and grandeur to the Unclean Realm, and apparently, they decided they needed riches to do so.

Jiang Cheng spat into the dirt, a scowl planted firmly on his face. “Those bastards. It seems every time we have to be rid of a power-hungry sect a new one takes its place.”

Lan Xichen responded with an uncharacteristic sigh. “Greed never truly leaves, it just expands and poisons others.” 

Jiang Cheng voiced his agreement with a grunt before raising Sandu, cutting the restraints on the men. He met Wan Kang’s eye with an unreadable expression when the man raised himself to his feet.

“Just because I lead a large Sect does not mean I forgot what it felt like to lose my home while the remaining powers in the world sat and watched. Unwilling to put their own lives on the line as thought they’d somehow be spared the Wen’s wrath. But that does not mean what you’ve done is just. You’ve taken the woes of your village and brought problems to another three in the process and that is unacceptable.”

Wan Kang cowered under Jiang Cheng’s withering glare and icy tone. “I will accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate.”

Jiang Cheng made a whistling sound as air pressed through his clenched teeth. “Return the items you stole so that my people may appease their loved ones. After you will return to your village with a group of my disciples and they will take care of the hungry ghost.” Wan Kang’s eyes widened and he made to bow but Jiang Cheng scowled and waved his hand to dissuade him. “If you have any further problems in the future send a messenger to the Yungmeng Jiang, we will offer our assistance until the next Discussion Conference where I can plead your case to the cultivation Sect’s directly.”

A warm hand on the shoulder and Lan Xichen’s pleased expression distracted Jiang Cheng as the other man stepped forward.

“The Lan extends its services and will bear witness to what you have said here today.”

Wan Kang bowed low when they were finished, despite Jiang Cheng’s groans and demands that he raise his head. Behind him, two of the men retrieved three pouches, each one filled with what was taken from each village. Jiang Cheng instructed three of his disciples to take the pouches to the appropriate villages and reconvene with those gathered there and for the rest to escort the Wan Kang and his men to an inn in Yunmeng where they can rest before leaving with the Jiang disciples the following day.

The men bowed once more before they were led by the disciples into the forest and towards town, leaving only Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng behind.

“What now?” Lan Xichen hummed as they began walking towards the road.

“I want to check in on the villages make sure everything is going to plan. We should begin returning the bodies of the fierce corpses to their graves as well, the longer they are without rest the more resentment-”

A groan broke the stillness around the two men and they looked behind them to see a lone fierce corpse hobbling its way towards them. Resentment swirled around its form like a poor imitation of mist and it seemed more volatile than the others they had encountered before.

Lan Xichen stepped forward with Shouyue drawn.

The fierce corpse was indeed more powerful than the others they’d faced so far but it was nothing a Sect Leader couldn’t handle. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and had half a mind to just unleash Zidian to end things quickly before Lan Xichen dashed forward.

He thrust his blade out, aiming for the heart of the creature with the kind of muscle memory from a man who’s done this hundreds of times when he suddenly froze.

Jiang Cheng watched in dawning horror as Shouyue shook in Lan Xichen’s hand and he mouthed the name of a vile man that was condemned to a horrible death and afterlife by the two he’d sworn as brothers.

The body in front of him did not stop, it walked forward, piercing itself on Lan Xichen’s blade as it continued to march onward.

Lan Xichen’s eyes were wide and unseeing, Jin Guangyao’s face was self-imposed on the dilapidated maw before him.  _ “Why brother? Why have you doomed me to this?” _

Shouyue dropped from Lan Xichen’s grip. Distantly he could hear the screams of someone behind him but he couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Meng Yao smiled at him, raising a clawed hand.  _ “It’s alright brother. I’ll offer you the kindness you never gave me, we will die together.”  _

Behind him Jiang Cheng was racing toward Lan Xichen and the nameless fierce corpse, his lungs burned, his body screamed. 

_ I never should have let him come. I knew he wasn’t ready I  _ knew _ it and I still-  _

The fierce corpse raised its arm from where it stood above Lan Xichen, the man's legs had long since given out.

_ No... NO- _

**_"LAN HUAN!!!"_ **


	11. Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I scream into the void and it screams back
> 
> I won't waste your time with life nonsense lmao it's been long enough so take this double update and I'm sorry for the wait!! Thank you to everyone who's been sticking through this with my irregular updates and overall mess lmao I love you all so so much <3333 Thank you all for your unwavering support. Expect another two chapters until the main story is finished and probably some codas after! And again thank you all!!
> 
> (Also I'm posting these at 4am so I apologize for any grammar or errors if you see any feel free to let me know and I'll also be reviewing them in the morning but I've been working for 4 days straight and I wanted to post them so those will hopefully be fixed in the morning)

The slow resurfacing to consciousness was a struggle. The cobwebs at the edge of his awareness refused to be swept away and someone somewhere was shouting.

Every so often he would struggle weakly against the tide weighing his body into unconsciousness before the undercurrent would carry him away once more. 

But in the few moments he did manage to wash ashore, he wished he hadn’t. 

His entire right side felt as though it had been set aflame from shoulder to hip and to some distant mortification he realized the groaning sound echoing around him was his own. There was a constant ringing in his ears and a heat to his skin. Something tightened around his aching shoulder and low noise of displeasure slipped from his mouth, unbidden. A jolt shook him and he made another sound of disapproval, managing to crack open a heavy eyelid as he did so. 

Lan Xichen’s worried face came swimming into view, barely recognizable in Jiang Cheng’s unfocused vision. Jiang Cheng watched his lips move in a daze. He was saying something, somewhere far away- it sounded urgent- but it was all Jiang Cheng could do to focus on the cloud insignia of the Gusu Lan forehead ribbon before he was lost to the riptide.

\------------

The next few waking moments Jiang Cheng managed were much the same, he saw glimpses into the goings-on surrounding him but was not lucid enough to grasp the whole picture. However, he did manage to gather bits and pieces of information each time. 

The second time Jiang Cheng found himself awake Lan Xichen was surrounded by Jiang disciples, they were tittering this way and that with tight expressions and grave nods as they obediently followed another Sect Leader’s instruction. Jiang Cheng expanded his consciousness to his wound- three nasty gashes below his ribs, long and oozing- he prodded at them with his spiritual energy and retreated as the resentful energy flared back at him, angry and writhing. It burned with a curse of some kind, one he was suddenly too tired to try deciphering, and despite the soothing feeling of spiritual energy cleansing it, he grunted in pain. The sound alerted everyone in the immediate area to his semi-consciousness and Jiang Cheng- now barely awake- felt himself be clutched closer to someone's warm body as he was swarmed with the pale and worried faces of his charges. He tried to offer some kind of gurgling reassurance through the pooling blood in his mouth and sudden exhaustion but couldn’t get out more than a slurred ‘m’fine’. There was some lip wobbling and wailing as Lan Xichen’s deep and calming tones resonated throughout the clearing. The disciples, seemingly placated for the moment, dispersed under his command and Jiang Cheng blinked slowly as Lan Xichen’s attention turned to him. Once more he said something Jiang Cheng couldn’t quite make out and then he was lost to the maelstrom again. 

The third time Jiang Cheng was jostled awake by the uneven sensation of being carried. Lan Xichen’s movements were hurried, panicked, and Jiang Cheng felt the unsteady wobbling sensation of a quick landing before the shrill twang of Shouyue returning to its sheathe resonated over the docks. Jiang Cheng didn’t make a noise this time, the white-hot searing pain from before had cooled to a dulling ache. The colored tapestries and familiar ceiling beams of Lotus Pier rushed by in frantic blurs as Lan Xichen shouted for assistance with the wounded Sect Leader. His voice cracked with worry and misuse after years of discipline kept his tones soft and controlled- it probably ached now, scratched and raw. Distant voices approached from somewhere to the right and swinging lanterns dotted the dark of a courtyard still a ways away. Lan Xichen called out desperately as they approached.

“Help him, please Jiang Wanyin has-!”

“Breaking all your rules Xichen?” Jiang Cheng managed to wheeze out, his voice coming out weak and throaty rather than the lighthearted tease he’d been hoping for. “Running and shouting, what would old man Qiren think?” 

Lan Xichen’s head snapped around to him so quickly Jiang Cheng winced in sympathy, “Jiang Wanyin! I… I’m-” 

At that moment the entourage of healers and disciples reached them and Lan Xichen was forced to tear his attention away from Jiang Cheng who was once more slipping into unconsciousness. The healers prodded and examined the wound with unfamiliar spiritual energies and Jiang Cheng was left cold and bereft as Lan Xichen’s familiar presence was pushed back. Without his say-so Jiang Cheng felt his own power croon mournfully at Lan Xichen’s retreating force and had he been more lucid he might have heard the small gasp and flare of Lan Xichen’s own core before it left completely.

Lan Xichen’s attention was snapped back to the present as a firm tug on his robes from one of the healers directed him to take Jiang Cheng back to his chambers where they would be more suited to treat him. Lan Xichen quickly made his way to the rooms as several healers ran back to the infirmary to grab necessary herbs, salves, and tools while others followed Lan Xichen. Lotus Pier thrummed with energy as disciples who had not participated in the hunt heard of their injured Sect Leader and as elders fought to maintain order and gain knowledge from the disciple's garbled reports. 

All eyes followed Lan Xichen as he hurried to Jiang Cheng’s personal chambers with many following in their wake, careful to stay out of the way but near enough to hear the healers worried murmurs, hoping for updates on the Sandu Shengshou’s condition. 

However, Lan Xichen’s eyes had not left Jiang Cheng’s own, even as he struggled to keep them open. At this point, his mumbled assurances and soft words meant only for Jiang Cheng’s ears were drifting in and out of his understanding. He caught parts of sentences and phrases, sweet things out of worry and unnecessary apologies Jiang Cheng would have to rebuke him for when he had the energy. But for now, all he wanted to do was rest... 

\------------

_ I’m not going to make it in time…  _

Jiang Cheng was trapped, body straining as he tried to propel himself forward with a feral desperation as his limbs rebelled, refusing to listen to him. The wretched keening sound of a dying animal tore itself from his throat as the hopelessness of his struggle set in. There was a pounding in his head, a ringing in his ears, a burning in his lungs, and yet- and yet… 

_ Move damn you!! Fuck! _

The fierce corpses’ arm rose, bones and sinew at its fingers mangled into clawed talons, grotesque and gut-wrenchingly terrifying. It’s face- if it could be called that- was distended and twisted to an inhuman shape, there was red where its eyes would have been, they stared at Jiang Cheng, void of life and dripping blood. Lan Xichen knelt unmoving at its feet, Jiang Cheng couldn’t see his face where it was hidden behind a curtain of hair but he knew he was awake. His head was down, angled to the ground as if worshipping and welcoming his end, and had resigned himself to it.

He tried to scream, demand Lan Xichen move, fight, do something,  _ anything, _ but his vocal chords vibrated uselessly in his throat. No sound escaped him. 

He was on fire, his entire body ached and burned with exertion and there was a piercing pain between his eyes. They forced themselves open, forced him to  _ watch _ . 

The corpse's socket’s watched him with a cruel sort of satisfaction. In them he saw his parents, his sister, his brother, there was no emotion but Jiang Cheng knew it was laughing at him. Saying  _ You weren’t enough. You aren’t enough to keep them here.  _ It stared, unseeing, unfeeling, unblinking and tore down into Lan Xichen’s waiting form.

He woke screaming.

There were hands on his shoulders, pinning him down and panic set in as he realized he still couldn’t move. He blinked, blind with terror and illness.

There were voices, all jumbling together into something incomprehensible that only agitated him further and there was only a split second warning before zidian unleashed itself, wild and uncontrolled as its user writhed with distress.

A grunt echoed throughout the frenzy in the room as someone took the brunt of zidian’s blow before grabbing the whip and pulling it from Jiang Cheng’s wrist. 

Then there was the familiar pulse of someone's spiritual energy before a talisman was slammed onto Jiang Cheng’s forehead and he knew no more.

\------------

A few hours later Jiang Cheng’s eyes snapped open and he lurched upward with a gasp, only for the air to leave him in a hiss of pain as his entire right side screamed its displeasure. He fell back with a thump and a weak groan.

There was a quick shuffling and the sound of something being quickly discarded to his left before a cool hand pressed against his feverish skin.

“Jiang Wanyin!” 

A voice, sudden, close, and loud made Jiang Cheng startle once more, nearly throwing himself upright, stilled only by a firm hand on his shoulder.

He cracked his eyes open and found himself staring at a familiar ceiling and noted in a haze that he was in bed. He tried to follow the arm holding him down to its owner but attempting to turn his head pulled at sensitive skin, he made a frustrated noise. 

It proved unnecessary though because within moments Lan Xichen’s face came into view, clearer than before but still a bit blurred and soft at the edges. He was pale, paler than he should have been and his lips were pressed to a thin line, there was a sheen of sweat on his forehead. Dark circles hung in creased half-moons below his red, red eyes. He pressed something bitter-tasting from a cup to Jiang Cheng’s mouth, holding the vessel insistently against his lips even as Jiang Cheng tried to weakly turn his head away, disinterested. 

Jiang Cheng attempted to give Lan Xichen the firmest glare he could muster but the withering grimace he got in response had even the Sandu Shengshou sipping at the lip of the cup obediently. 

“Did I save you?” Jiang Cheng croaked once he’d finished, voice hoarse and low.

The cup was removed, tossed to the side with such un-Lan like carelessness it snapped Jiang Cheng to sudden attention. The hand remained, cupping Jiang Cheng’s sweaty face, gentle but firm, with a slight tremble to it.

_ He’s checking.  _ Jiang Cheng thought to himself with a pang.  _ He’s making sure I’m really here. _

Jiang Cheng nuzzled into the palm, sighing with his own timid relief against the thrumming pulse point.

“I am unharmed.” Lan Xichen said after a moment. 

It was quiet for a few minutes after, both content to use the silence to assess one another's well being. Lan Xichen’s spiritual energy flowed freely in Jiang Cheng’s meridians checking his condition, injuries and prodding gently at his golden core, weak from battling infection. Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng was too weak and medicated to do more than trace his eyes over Lan Xichen's concentrated form, satisfied that there were no visible injuries and that he didn’t seem to be favoring any specific limbs or missing any.

But still, Jiang Cheng was anything if not thorough and though his mind was still wooly with fever even in his pain riddled haze he knew Lan Xichen had a stubborn disregard for his own well-being. Jiang Cheng frowned at the thought and attempted to push his listless body into a sitting position once more but was again thwarted by both the hand on his cheek and his injuries.

“You need to rest.” Lan Xichen asserted, pushing him firmly back into his bed, something to be more firmly analyzed at a later time his drug-addled mind decided. “You have a fever and you’ve been corpse poisoned. Moving will risk worsening both.”

“But you-”

“Jiang Wanyin, please.”The distressed, pleading nature of his voice made Jiang Cheng pause and really study Lan Xichen. He had a stricken look on his face, a cross between nausea, fear, and frustration. Somehow the bags under his eyes seemed to deepen just by Jiang Cheng’s awakening and stubborn nature. Lan Xichen almost looked like  _ he’d _ been the one poisoned, the thought made Jiang Cheng want to put up more of a fight, he wanted to beg Lan Xichen to relax like this time off was supposed to let him, to wipe that look off his face and smile in the early morning sunlight again, but suddenly he was too tired to do anything. Jiang Cheng slumped, sorely and surely defeated, his sluggish body weighing him down, he felt his tongue move but he was too far gone to know what he said before sleep took him. 

\------------

The next night Lan Xichen was forced to wake the healers on a multitude of occasions as Jiang Cheng slipped into more fever-driven night terrors. After a few instances, the head doctor recommended a light sedation to keep their Sect Leader in a more relaxed and mulish state so his body could rest and recover. 

Lan Xichen was more than a bit hesitant but at the healer's insistence that more flailing could reopen wounds, he reluctantly agreed. 

An infection within the wound proved to make things more difficult for the physicians causing inflammation and closing of certain meridians intermittently. The corpse poison and resulting resentful energy suffused in the wounds could cause permanent damage and lasting weakened cultivation. It was due mostly to Lan Xichen’s constant transfer of spiritual energy and high cultivation that treatment progressed so quickly.

It was during one such transfer that Jiang Cheng woke, early morning on the second day only hours after his fever broke.

Lan Xichen had his eyes closed, as close to meditating as he could be while aware of his surroundings and conscious of his patient’s condition. He continuously recharged his spiritual power and sent pulse after pulse to Jiang Cheng from where he tightly held his right hand between his own. He blinked open in surprise when he squeezed the hand only to feel a returning pressure. 

There was a dazed kind of grin on Jiang Cheng’s face as he looked at Lan Xichen, he wiggled his fingers, twinning them together with Lan Xichen’s sloppily. 

“I missed you.” He said in lieu of a greeting. 

His voice was slurred with something like confusion, obviously the herbs he’d been giving were doing their job.

Lan Xichen smiled softly, in a sad kind of way. “How can you miss me? I’ve never left.”

Jiang Cheng grunted, frowning. “Have.” 

“How are you feeling?” Lan Xichen murmured, rising ever so slightly- making sure not to disturb their connected hands- to kneel more comfortably but still within eyesight of Jiang Cheng’s face.

Jiang Cheng stared at the ceiling for a few moments and seemed to seriously ponder the question before answering, “Fuzzy.” 

Another ghost of a smile tugged at Lan Xichen’s lips and Jiang Cheng smiled back, there were crows feet at the corner of his eyes and dimples in his cheeks, Lan Xichen had never seen them before. Something shuttered in his expression. 

Confused, Jiang Cheng swung their linked hands together, trying to prompt another smile, instead an even darker shadow fell over Lan Xichen’s face and he suddenly pulled his hand from Jiang Cheng’s weakened grip and rose- something about fetching a healer. 

As he left he glanced back to where Jiang Cheng was lying, staring dazedly at his own hand- where they had been connected just a few moments before- his eyes already drooping and almost asleep once again.

Just as Jiang Cheng began to drift off he realized that Lan Xichen didn’t say ‘I missed you too’ back to him.

\------------

The next time Jiang Cheng awoke was a day later. 

The pull to awareness was syrupy and slow, but sharper, clearer, and more coherent than it had been before. As Jiang Cheng drifted into consciousness the soothing notes of Liebing filtered into his senses, settling under his skin with both blanket-like comfort and fresh balming sensations.

Jiang Cheng’s jaw cracked on a yawn and the notes quickly ceased, followed by the hurried ruffling and arranging of skirts.

“Jiang Wanyin?”

Another stifled yawn and Jiang Cheng slowly opened one eye, “Present.” 

Lan Xichen’s stiffened shoulders slumped like a puppet that had its strings cut and his impeccable posture slumped with palpable relief. He gently placed Liebing on the table behind himself and moved to sit more comfortably, this time on the edge of Jiang Cheng’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

Jiang Cheng stretched to the extent he could within the confines of his blankets stretching his arms and arching the slight curve of his back with only a small grimace at a slight twinge in his right side. 

“Stiff, but that’s nothing a little exercise won’t fix.”

“You should be resting. You’ve been sedated for two days and resting for two before that, your body may not be as responsive as you might hope.”

Jiang Cheng sat up abruptly, despite Lan Xichen’s best efforts to keep him from doing so. That’s four days! How bad could the wound have really been? I’ve had to lead a Sect through worse!” 

Something dark and indecipherable passed over Lan Xichen’s face, his eyes flashed with a righteous fury that had Jiang Cheng been healthy enough would have had to bear the full brunt of. “It was severe enough.” He said gravely. 

The crypticness of the answer made Jiang Cheng pause, stopping in his attempt to get out of bed and choosing instead to prop himself up on pillows a bit uncertainly. After a moment he asked, “How bad was it?”

Lan Xichen exhaled in a long-suffering sigh before he turned a bit on the edge of the bed adjusting himself to face Jiang Cheng more fully. In the movement he accidentally placed his hand on Jiang Cheng’s blanket-covered leg, his wide palm spanned the curve of Jiang Cheng’s shin before abruptly pulling away and settling further down the edge of the bed. “It wasn’t life-threatening, but without treatment or proper core stimulation, it could have been. That and I’ve seen enough injury and death for several lifetimes.”

Jiang Cheng snorted softly, brushing the bangs from his unbound hair away from his face. “Cultivating hardly goes without bloodshed in some way or another.”

“Even so-!” Lan Xichen began, louder than either of them expected. “Even so, I grow tired of worrying.”

“You’d be exhausted with worry over me if that's the case.” Jiang Cheng responded with a slow smirk and a small nudge to the shoulder, he expected some kind of fond exasperation or snide but dry joke in response; 

Instead, Lan Xichen just looked at him sadly, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Who says I haven’t been?” He murmured.

Jiang Cheng blinked for a moment, surprised, and then chastened he said, “I’m sorry for worrying you.” 

Silence spread between the two in an awkward pool before Lan Xichen’s shoulders dropped and made some kind of sound in the back of his throat that Jiang Cheng didn’t know the meaning of. “Your injury?”

“Closed from what I can feel but still painful.”

There was a nod and more silence, though noticeably more comfortable as both men just looked at one another.

“You look better than the other night.” Jiang Cheng said after a while. Lan Xichen gave him a curious look. “I remember a bit from the other night when I was drugged up; you looked exhausted. I wasn’t sure if I was the sick one.”

The soft light in Lan Xichen’s eyes dimmed and he looked away. “I’m sorry, I got you hurt.” 

Jiang Cheng grunted and waved passively. “I got myself hurt. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“You got hurt because of me!” Lan Xichen snapped. “I’m more than fine to deal with a few injuries from a fierce corpse!”

Jiang Cheng blinked, taken aback by the sudden burst of anger. Lan Xichen seemed to come back to himself after a few moments and he colored with embarrassment. “I’m sorry for my anger. It’s misdirected and not at all the result of anything you’ve done. You don’t deserve my frustration.”

“Hey, hey it’s fine. If anyone knows anger it’d be me.” Jiang Cheng reached for Lan Xichen’s shoulder but suddenly he pulled away and got off the bed entirely, ending up across the room. 

Jiang Cheng let his hand drop and tried not to think too much about it.

“Alright let’s change the subject. What of Wan Kang and his people? Did the council agree to help them until we can address their issues with the rest of the clans?” 

Seemingly relieved at the change of subject Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng a fleeting glance before returning his gaze to the window. “They’ve returned home to wait for further news from the discussion conference and our aid to be sent to their village. The Yunmeng Jiang has agreed to their request for aid and I’ve written a letter to Wangji, he’s informed me that Wei Wuxian will be taking some Lan disciples to the affected area.”

The disapproving grumbling and subsequent disapproval at the mention of his estranged brother was interrupted as Jiang Cheng’s jaw widened on another yawn.

“Can you ask one of the healers to see me?” He asked. “I’d like to know how much longer I’ll be stuck here.” 

“The extra rest wouldn’t hurt you, you know. You should take the opportunity to relax while you can.” 

Jiang Cheng made a face, “You know me better than anyone Lan Xichen, trying to keep me somewhere I don’t want to be won’t end well for anyone.”

A flicker of pain crossed Lan Xichen’s face- visible even from across the room- but it was gone in a moment and he nodded, leaving to grab a physician without another word.

Jiang Cheng was left staring after him wondering what had changed. 

\------------

Jiang Cheng did his best to keep his propriety as he met with healers, advisors, and elders dressed scandalously in an inner robe as his unbound hair tumbled past his shoulders and into the blankets.

No one seemed to mind, however, as they were all just pleased to have their Sect Leader back and coherent enough to give instructions.

Wan Kang and his men had indeed left and Jiang Cheng discussed supplying materials for housing and food with the elders as well as updates from Lanling and the other Sects. Lan Xichen had apparently kept up with Sect correspondence in the Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader’s absence- Jiang Cheng made a note to thank him later. 

Afterward, a cluster of healers came shuffling in to sweep away the elders who were needlessly ‘bothering their patient with business’ while crowding his sickbed. Jiang Cheng allowed himself to be poked and prodded just a step past his typical endurance and was pleased when he was told that he could return to Sect duties the next day.

The group left after piling him endlessly with blankets and then Lan Xichen swept back into the room, face carefully blank. He sat at the table without so much as a glance at Jiang Cheng and pulled out Liebing, playing something obviously cleansing- infused with spiritual energy- but with none of its familiar warming caress. It left Jiang Cheng feeling cleansed but in a clinical sense rather than a comforting one.

When he was finished Lan Xichen made no move to get closer; “How did your meetings go?’ 

“Fine.” Jiang Cheng responded stiffly. “Jiang Cui says I should be able to return to my regular duties tomorrow.” 

Lan Xichen’s expression softened as he finally turned to look at Jiang Cheng. It was a sad expression, melancholy and almost a bit guilty. “I’m glad.”

_ He looks like he did fresh out of seclusion. Guilty and fragile. Something must have happened. _

“Xichen, why did you freeze back there?” 

“...When are you talking about?” 

“You’re not as much a dumbass as you like to pretend to be. What happened with that fierce corpse?”

The tension spread out in the small rooming, flooding it before Lan Xichen answered on a shaky exhale. “I saw his face. A-yao- Jin Guanyao’s face on the corpse.”

_ Lan Xichen’s first battle since killing Meng Yao… no wonder he’s been out of it lately. _

Jiang Cheng slid out of blankets and gingerly moved to sit next to Lan Xichen, leaning against him like they would in the garden outside the Hanshi. “We’ve talked about that, don't you remember? His actions and his decisions are not and will never be yours. His death wasn’t your fault either. If not you at that moment then, someone else would have been goaded into it, there was a room full of prideful dicks that had been wronged by him after all. You just, unfortunately, happened to be sitting the closest.” 

Swayed by the reminder Lan Xichen seemed to lean back, just for a moment, but then was up and on his feet so quickly Jiang Cheng figured he’d just imagined it.

“Sect Leader Jiang, I’m rather tired this evening. I think I will turn in early for the night.” 

Jiang Cheng could only nod, feeling numb and even a bit sick.

“Goodnight then.” 

Lan Xichen left then, pausing for a single nauseating second before he ducked behind the door and was gone. Jiang Cheng stared after him, lost in the empty space Lan Xichen had left behind him and wondering where it had all gone wrong. 


	12. I'm here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again, everyone! Part 2 of the double update <333

_ Fuck! I should have known, I’m such an idiot!! _

Jiang Cheng let out a frustrated howl, high above the blurred foliage of trees and villages as he sped through the mountains as fast as Sandu could carry him. 

It had been three days since Lan Xichen left without a word.

Three days since Jiang Cheng had recovered from his injuries and excitedly left his room and hurried down to the dock where Lan Xichen typically meditated only to find it empty. He asked the servants if anyone had seen him that morning and the only answer he received was some vague recounting that Lan Xichen had suddenly returned to the Cloud Recesses. There was no written response from Lan Xichen himself, or letters sent since he’d gone. Jiang Cheng accepted the news with a heavier heart than usual and got on with his day as normal as he could with Lan Xichen suddenly absent from his side. 

It seemed like something important had come up and he’d been summoned back earlier than usual to overtake his Sect responsibilities.

That had been three days ago.

Then Jiang Cheng had received a letter early in the morning with the Gusu Lan seal and had figured that everything was alright, something bigger than, whatever was going on between them had called Lan Xichen back to Gusu. But then he opened the letter excitedly to find a startlingly short missive- written in Lan Wangji’s careful calligraphy- with a stomach sinking message. 

_ Lan Xichen has reentered seclusion. _

_ We need your help. _

_ Please come to the Cloud Recesses at once.  _

Jiang Cheng had stumbled from his rooms, barely pulled together and hair long and loose down his back, the bangs and sides tied haphazardly in a half-up ponytail. He burst into the elder's conference chamber in a whirlwind declaring a state of emergency in the Cloud Recesses required his immediate attention. After denying the entourage of junior disciples he mounted Sandu and went careening into the pink morning sky.

_ I should have known.  _ Jiang Cheng berated himself, hours later as he neared the front gates of the Gusu Lan. Every interaction before he left, every sad smile, every shuttering expression, every time he purposely distanced himself and pulled away; he may as well had  _ guilty _ and  _ ashamed _ written across his forehead and Jiang Cheng had been too blind to see it.

He jumped from Sandu a ways before the ground, landing in front of the gate with his jade token already in hand. He almost didn’t notice that Lan Wangji was already at the gate waiting for him, with Wei Wuxian all but hiding behind him. 

He didn’t pay either any mind, shoving past the wards and making his way towards the back mountains. 

“Why did you wait so long to send for me?” Jiang Cheng demanded.

Lan Wangji- as expected- had fallen in step with Jiang Cheng. If there was one thing he appreciated about Wei Wuxian’s unfortunate husband it was the fact he never tried to force small talk. 

“We weren’t aware he was back.” 

Jiang Cheng glanced over to Lan Wangji’s frustratingly impassive face, dumbfounded. “You’re telling me Lan Xichen  _ snuck _ into the Cloud Recesses?”

“He didn’t announce his presence.”

“How'd you find out he was back in the Hanshi?”

“I found out.” Wei Wuxian piped up, suddenly appearing at Jiang Cheng’s right. “I was exploring one day and I saw the curtains moving. I went to investigate and found Xichen-ge trying to cover all the windows. I asked him when he got back and why but he wouldn’t answer. He just said he overstayed his welcome in Yunmeng and stared at the floor until I left. I tried to get Lan Zhan to talk some sense into him but there wasn’t any response to him either, the only thing we got out of him was that whatever happened was all his fault and had nothing to do with anything you’d done or his visit to Lotus Pier.”

Jiang Cheng growled low in his throat, leave it to a Lan to keep out the important details. “There was a situation, you got the letter right? About the grave robberies?” 

A nod from both. 

“I got wounded during the battle and it wasn’t good, I was out of it for five days. I got injured protecting Lan Xichen, he froze in front of a fierce corpse and I pushed him out of the way. I tried to convince him not to join the battle because I knew he wasn’t ready and later he was acting weird and told me he saw Meng Yao’s face on the corpse. He has to be blaming himself for what happened and I was too stupid to see it.”

There was silence for a few moments before Lan Wangji uncharacteristically broke it, “Xiongzhang can be a good actor when he wants and your illness may have clouded your judgment of the situation.” 

Jiang Cheng snorted a bit, “Trying to cheer me up? How unlike you.”

The small furrow between Lan Wangji’s brows deepened ever so slightly but he remained silent.

Jiang Cheng laughed a bit, shrugging. “What about Qiren? Does he know Lan Xichen’s back?”

“He does not.” 

Incredulous, Jiang Cheng stopped cold in his tracks. “You’re  _ lying  _ to him?” 

“Refraining to share certain information does not necessarily constitute lying.” 

Jiang Cheng stared at Lan Wangji and then Wei Wuxian as if checking to make sure he hadn't slipped into some kind of an alternate reality. In response, his brother only shrugged and grinned, apparently all too smug to know he’s rubbing off on Lan Wangji in the worst way. Jiang Cheng spared Lan Wangji another glance before continuing down the path. 

“You continue to surprise me Lan Wangji.”

“Mn.”

Suddenly an arm slid around Jiang Cheng’s shoulder and he was pulled into a half hug with Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian between them. “Ah!! It warms my little heart to see my Lan Er-gege and precious didi getting along!! Is it secretly my birthday? Why didn't you guys tell me?”

“Shut up! Are you asking me to break your legs?!”

Wei Wuxian’s laughter followed them the rest of the way to the isolated cottage, but once passed the threshold of the trees even he knew the atmosphere had changed. 

“We’ll wait here for you. Good luck.”

“Mn.”

“Hmph. I won’t need it.”

Venturing past the safety of the trees, Jiang Cheng marched up the familiar path to the Hanshi, storming past the door of the hearth and into the dimly lit sitting room. Lan Xichen had apparently been expecting his arrival after being discovered- he made no attempt to hide and there was a steaming cup of tea resting on the table opposite him. 

The gesture unreasonably enraged him and Jiang Cheng had thrown the cup through the paper lined screen of the nearest window before he’d thought better of it.

“You’re angry.” Lan Xichen noted. 

“You’re damn fuckin right I am!” Jiang Cheng roared, suddenly inexplicably seething. “Not only do you go back into hiding, but right under my own nose! Right under your brothers and your uncles, how thick is your face Lan Xichen? Surely I’ve misjudged you.” 

“I have my reasons.” 

Jiang Cheng scoffed. “Oh, I’m sure you do. It’s just no one was important enough to you to share them.”

“! That’s not-!” Lan Xichen began before lapsing back into frustrating silence.

“Not what?” Jiang Cheng mocked after a moment. “Not what that means? Then tell me, Sect Leader Lan, what did you mean by disappearing and not telling a soul where you were going or why? What did you mean when you left without a single word? What else  _ can _ that mean?” 

“...It has nothing to do with you. It’s a problem of my own.”

Jiang Cheng seethed. “Nothing to do with me? Lan Xichen! Do you realize none of this from the beginning has anything to do with me and yet I've been here all along! If this had nothing to do with me then why did you return to the  _ one _ place you  _ knew _ I would find you? If this had nothing to do with me then why would you have tea  _ waiting _ for me when you  _ knew  _ I would come here as soon as you were discovered, lest you waste away first?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Oh yes you fucking do. You’re basically screaming for help and refusing to ask for it in the same breath and now you’re going to tell me  _ why. _ ”

“I don’t know-” Lan Xichen mumbled.

“Yes, you do!” Jiang Cheng shouted. 

“I don’t-”

“You do!” 

“I don’t!” Lan Xichen screamed. “I don’t know why anyone thinks I’m still fit to be Sect Leader, I don’t know why anyone continues to put their faith in me, I don’t know why A-yao did everything that he did, I don’t know how to handle all these thoughts, feelings and failures and I don't know what I’m supposed to do now!”

Lan Xichen’s voice was cracked raw with volume, so much pent up frustration with himself came spilling out unbidden. “I’ve failed as a Sect Leader. I froze at the most crucial moment of battle and you were injured because of it. I’ve fought through hundreds of nighthunts and war and I still froze because of the actions of one person. I’ve been nothing but pathetic and disgraceful since my return to the cultivation world and I almost lost you because of it. Each time I fail to act, someone close to me is hurt, or worse! I left hoping to spare you that.” 

“You left because you’re scared!” 

There was a low growl and Lan Xichen was on his feet, pacing furiously. “And what if I am?” He demanded. “What if I can’t stomach to see the failure I’m becoming? What if I’m terrified to reenter the cultivation world knowing that I am not prepared for it even after all this time? What if I’m scared of losing you and furious with myself that I was almost the cause of it? And what if I’m scared of how angry I am with myself?” 

Two hands slammed down on Lan Xichen’s face, startling him. Jiang Cheng was cupping his now red cheeks, the slaps hard enough to feel but gentle enough to only be surprising.

“Are you scared?” He demanded.

“Y-yes.”

“Are you angry?” 

“Yes.” 

“ _ Good.  _ Be scared, be angry, Lan Xichen you’re only human. A human with thoughts and feelings and all that other shit we wish we didn’t have sometimes. I know what it’s like to be nothing more than a legacy, a concept of what I was meant to be rather than a person with wants. It’s easier sometimes, to be more a tool than a person,  _ I get that, _ but ignoring it won’t make it any easier. You’ve had unimaginable pressure on you to be the perfect little Lan since you were born and you never got to say shit about it but mistakes don’t define you, no matter your pedigree. You can fail at things without  _ being _ a failure. But that doesn't mean you get to take your ass and go running back to hide in your a-die’s house when shit gets rough.”

Lan Xichen sighed softly, “Jiang Wanyin…” He said tiredly. “I am trying, desperately. I used to be able to handle so much more, I’m merely a shadow of the cultivator I used to be.”

“Idiot! No one said you’re not trying, I know better than anyone how hard you’ve been working in and out of seclusion! I’m not saying you’re not trying hard enough or making enough progress, you are allowed to relapse and backtrack and have all the bad days in the world if that's what you need. But what I won’t allow is for you to give up at the first sign of trouble. You need to scream but won’t let it out? I’ll be there to make you. You need to cry? I’ll be there to let you. You need a break for a day? I know how to run a Sect, I’ll even put up with your pain in the ass of a brother and mine. If you get caught in a hole that you’ve dug yourself into I’ll pull you out. Lan Xichen I’m  _ right here.  _ But I won’t sit here and let you dig your own grave inside your fathers' house after everything you’ve been through to get here. I’ll pull your ass out into the sunlight as my times as I need to to drive it into your thick skull that you  _ belong  _ there.” 

Lan Xichen’s tawny eyes glistened as fat, heavy tears rolled down his cheeks. “Wanyin-”

“You’re not a failure for that nighthunt, my injuries were not your fault. It was reckless and stupid for you to run headfirst into a hunt while out of practice but I also let you. It’s just one more thing to work on, and if I didn’t give up on your before- even after you had- I’m sure as hell not starting now.”

“ _ Wanyin…” _

“No one’s expecting you to jump back into everything immediately, you have time to work it all out and some of it you won’t and that's fine too. And if anyone tries to rush it if I’m not there to knock some sense into them I’m sure your brother will give them a glare or something. But you’ve got students out there that love and respect their teacher. You’ve got a brother who sent for me of all people, that should show how much he cares about you. You’ve got an uncle that’s more worried about you than he’ll admit, a Sect that needs you, friends that, that miss you. So Lan Xichen, will you leave willingly with me, or will I be breaking your legs?”

There were a few tense moments of silence. Lan Xichen hung his head, unable to meet Jiang Cheng’s eye while Jiang Cheng tried and failed to calm his breathing and not freak out at the lack of reaction to what was the most vulnerable he’d ever been. After several long, strained minutes of Lan Xichen collapsed into Jiang Cheng’s waiting arms, sobbing.

“Thank you, thank you, I- I…” A low wet noise burst from Lan Xichen as he trembled in Jiang Cheng’s embrace. 

Jiang Cheng murmured softly as Lan Xichen released all the pent up anger and sadness he’d been holding back for so long, whispering soft and intelligible things in low and soothing tones until Lan Xichen was sufficiently calmed. He sighed softly against Jiang Cheng’s damp collars clenching and unclenching his hands in Jiang Cheng’s robes. 

“Jiang Wanyin, thank you.”

Fingers lightly brushed through Lan Xichen’s hair, petting slowly. “There’s no need to thank me for common sense.” 

A soft huff of a laugh. “Just, allow me to thank you anyway.” 

“...Okay.”

There was a long bit of silence that yawned between the two, both a bit reluctant to pull away and neither moving to do so. 

Eventually, however Lan Xichen did pull back and watched as his hair slipped from Jiang Cheng’s hand from where it had been looped around his fingers.

“Jiang Wanyin, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have hard times, but I will continue, no matter the difficulties. I promise you this.”

“That’s all I ask. Now with that settled…” Jiang Cheng stood, stepping away from Lan Xichen with only slight hesitation before crossing to the door of the Hanshi and opening. 

There, he stood backdropped in the midday sun, despite his silhouetted form there was a shimmer to his eyes, a softness to his mouth, and sunlight in his hair. He stood there with his hand outstretched, palm up and open to Lan Xichen, he stood there radiant, dazzling, and said, “Well, are you coming?” 

Lan Xichen took the offered hand with red-rimmed eyes and a smile on his face while Jiang Cheng pulled him into the sunshine. 

\------------

Outside Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were waiting for them, still, a ways from the Hanshi but the thrown and shattered teacup may have drawn them a bit closer. 

Jiang Cheng stubbornly ignored their pointed looks as he kept his hand in Lan Xichen’s while they made their way towards them. Pulling away only when Lan Xichen’s hand slipped from his own in order to bow to both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian to apologize and thank them for their persistence and their patience. 

Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng a smile over his shoulder as he and Lan Wangji left to take a short stroll- presumably to talk and check in on one another- leaving Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng alone. 

Surprisingly Wei Wuxian seemed to be deep in thought, he was leaning against a tree, his hip propped out to the side and watching Jiang Cheng with a frighteningly serious expression. 

“What do you want?” Jiang Cheng hissed, once the Lans were out of range. 

“What do you mean?” The grin was back and Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure if he was pleased about it. 

“You’ve got a stupid look on your face.” 

Wei Wuxian pushed his bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. “Didi, why must you wound me so?”

The scowl Jiang Cheng responded with was absolutely withering. “Say whatever you’re going to say before I decide it’s not worth it and leave.” 

The smirk slowly slid from Wei Wuxian’s lips and was replaced with something more tender, melancholy maybe. “It’s just, you seem happier lately.”

A derisive snort. “Today hasn't exactly been a pleasant experience.” 

“No, I mean, in general. You seem calmer? Like you’ve grown.”

“Well some of us do. We can’t all have our only entertainment be breaking all the rules in the Cloud Recesses since they can’t kick you out anymore. Unlike you I have responsibilities.”

Wei Wuxian laughed brightly. “Hey, I’ll have you know I now teach my own class! You should see the cute little ducklings, the future looks bright!” 

There was quiet for a moment, but that never lasts with Wei Wuxian. 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“Hm. I would have eventually anyway, I’m just surprised you managed to convince Lan Wangji to write me.”

“Actually it was Lan Zhan’s idea.” Jiang Cheng blinked in surprise and Wei Wuxian shrugged with a small smile. “He tends to know what's best for Xichen-ge, and if anyone could get through to him when he’s like that it’s you.” 

“I just yelled at him.” 

“You did more than that and you know it. Don’t worry, I won’t ask for the secret to your Lan Xichen taming skills-” A scowl. “I’m joking! I just mean whatever you say to him gets through to him. You understand him like Lan Zhan but you can articulate what you want to say without overthinking it.”

“I just told him the truth.”

That thoughtful look was back and Jiang Cheng felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise.

“You really care about him don’t you?” Wei Wuxian said after a time. 

He was looking away now, and Jiang Cheng followed his gaze to where the Lan brothers were returning to the clearing, both with slight smiles and looking much more relaxed than before. 

Jiang Cheng watched them approach and wondered if he had the same kind of dazed expression on his face that Wei Wuxian had while looking at Lan Wangji.

“I guess.” Jiang Cheng said after a moment. 

_ Yes, I do. _


	13. What do you want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh hanguang-jun, we're really in it now.  
> Anyway, remember that angst tag? sorry about it. I didn't mean to be this mean I promise but here's the climax of the story! Second to last chapter lets gooooo.  
> TBH I've been working on this for like 4 days straight because I really want to finish this fic so I can work on other ideas I have but at the same time I've put it SO much work and effort into this and you have all been so supportive and kind and have really seemed to enjoy it so I refuse to rush through anything and give you all a half assed ending. so its a bit of a struggle to sit down and just, really get in the writing zone but you guys make it worth it and I hope you enjoy! Thank you all for your continued support!

The following months allowed little time for anything more than the changing of seasons and a rushed flurry of letters.

After Jiang Cheng’s injury and Lan Xichen’s resulting, though temporary, return to seclusion the Yunmeng Jiang and Gusu Lan Sect leader’s agreed it might be for the best that Lan Xichen spends his remaining free time reacquainting himself with the Cloud Recesses. Lan Xichen had seen Jiang Cheng off at the gate with Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian annoyingly loitering in the distance. 

Lan Xichen thanked Jiang Cheng with a familiar hand on his bicep and honey sweet look in his eye that had Jiang Cheng flushing despite the ice in Lan Wangji’s glare. Jiang Cheng had still managed a tilted half smile regardless of their audience, happy he’d managed to pull Lan Xichen back enough to see him smiling again.

Their goodbye was a soft brushing of fingertips and Jiang Cheng hadn’t seen Lan Xichen since. 

It couldn’t be helped, after all. Lanling Jin was hosting its first discussion conference with its new Sect Leader and Jiang Cheng was determined to see that the still untrustworthy advisors had no intentions of compromising such an important event for a still inexperienced Jin Ling. The purge of those who’d been loyal and complacent in Lanling’s corruption and Jin Guangyao’s deeds were still underway and though wary of them, Jiang Cheng knew it was foolish to dismiss an entire panel of advisors and elders with more influence than a 17-year-old. 

So he compromised by making sure he was present to loom physically over the old men as they imparted their ideas and wisdom to his nephew. Most of which was unnecessary drivel and boorish but it was a good exercise for Jin Ling’s lack of patience.

“Enough already!” Jin Ling groaned over Jin Rong’s continuous lecturing. “Master Rong, can’t matters of irrigation in borderland territories continue after the discussion conference? I can even bring up the issue to the Sect whose borders aline with the villages for their opinions and assistance.”

Jiang Cheng made a disapproving noise from Jin Ling’s right at the interruption. Though the meeting was indeed beginning to get tedious- “Each issue needs to be addressed, no matter how trivial. It’s your responsibility.” 

“But JiuJiu!” Jin Ling whined with the same tone he used to beg for tanghulu. “I’ve been here all morning and I have guests arriving soon.” 

Jiang Cheng raised an eyebrow. “The discussion conference doesn’t begin for another three days. Why am I only hearing of this now?” He turned an accusatory glare at the elders present and each withered under his scrutiny with expressions that read ‘ _ don’t look at us, we don’t know either. _

Jin Ling turned up his chin defiantly. “I don’t have to tell you everything! I'm the Sect Leader now so it’s up to me to decide who to invite!”

“Oho is that so?” Jiang Cheng rumbled. “Then maybe I should stop telling you I’m going to break your legs and just do it!”

The color drained from Jin Ling’s face as his own words caught up with him, he turned a wide-eyed stare to his uncle, “Ahaha, wait, Jiujiu I didn’t mean it-”

The scraping of heavy doors on marble floor turned all eyes to the end of the hall as the doors swung open and one of the cultivators stationed to patrol the staircase came marching in. 

He bowed to all those present when he made it to the end of the room where everyone was gathered, “Sect Leader Jin, your guests have arrived.” 

Eager to escape the building rage of his uncle, Jing Ling jumped from his throne and thanked the disciple for probably several things in one statement before disappearing down a side hallway. 

Jiang Cheng grunted, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration and dismissing everyone gathered for a recess before stalking off in the direction his brat of a nephew scurried away in. 

Jin Ling was still little more than a child after being handed the reins of what was essentially the most untamable horse of the cultivation world and though aggrieved, it was hard for Jiang Cheng to find the strength to wrangle his nephew into a proper Sect Leader. 

It was around this age that Jiang Cheng found himself struggling with the bloodstained ropes of his own Sect responsibilities so if he was content to allow his nephew a few more years of immaturity that was no one's concern but his own. 

The muffled sound of distant voices drew Jiang Cheng back to the staircase at the front of the tower where he caught sight of three familiar faces.

His nephew was scowling down at where Lan Jingyi was making some silly approximation of a bow, teasing Jin Ling’s new status while Ouyang Zizhen laughed next to him and Lan Sizhui attempted to keep the peace. The boys talked loudly and animatedly, stopping only when Lan Sizhui- ever the observant one- elbowed Lan Jingyi into proper form to bow politely as Jiang Cheng approached. 

“Sect Leader Jiang.”

Jiang Cheng nodded his acknowledgment, before turning to give Jin Ling a stern look with less heat than usual.

“Jin Ling, you have responsibilities to take care of. Need I remind you how important this discussion conference is?”

“But Jiujiu, they’re here to help!” Jin Ling whinged, rolling his eyes at the incredulous eye raise he received in response. “Shouldn’t you be happy I have allies in other Sects?”

“I’ll be happy when the preparations are complete!” 

“Liar, you’re never happy!” 

“You-!”

It was then that Lan Sizhui spoke up, “It is true Sect Leader Jiang, that we are here to help with upcoming preparations for the discussion conference.” He demurs. “Although we were the ones to offer our assistance.”

Jin Ling smiled, triumphant, and Jiang Cheng couldn’t resist rolling his eyes. “I doubt you would have been refused.” 

“Of course not!” Lan Jingyi chirped, sidling up to Jin Ling and throwing an arm around his shoulders. “And even if we had I could never miss an opportunity to watch Young Mistress Jin embarrass himself!”

Jin Ling shrugged Lan Jingyi’s arm off him with a scoff. “You should be careful how you speak to me, I could have you thrown out of Jinlin Tai!”

“But you won’t.” Ouyang Zizhen chimed in, now flanking Jin Ling at his left. 

At this point Jin Ling seemed to give up on trying to shrug away the offending arms over his shoulders and harrumphed, grumbling some kind of response under his breath that made Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen dissolve into giggles while Lan Sizhui cracked a rare wide smile.

There was a small surge of pride in Jiang Cheng’s chest as he watched his nephew interact with his friends. There was still much growing to do but knowing Jin Ling had managed to attract allies willing and able to help him host such an auspicious event had Jiang Cheng preening. He was still a disobedient little brat of a teenager but a voice that sounded suspiciously like Lan Xichen whispered  _ ‘you raised him well’ _ somewhere in the back of his mind. 

Still, a parent's job was never truly over. “If you have time to be making threats you have time to be working, your Sect won’t take care of itself!” Jiang Cheng barked, scaring all four kids to attention. “You have three days and have done little more than prepare seating arrangements!”

“I’m going, I’m going!” Jin Ling griped, herding his friends into the main hall.

“May I see the seating arrangements?” Lan Sizhui hums. “Hanguang-jun has given me some insight on clan relations that may affect some decisions.”

“Oh, oh! Can I be in charge of the banquet fare? I have tons of ideas.” Lan Jingyi announces, not at all discouraged by the incredulous look Jin Ling shoots him. 

“And I’m sure the Jin coffers are more than well equipped for my decoration plans.” Ouyang Zizhen chirps. 

That earns an eye roll. “But of course!” Jin Ling sniffs. 

Their continued chatter dissolves and becomes unintelligible as they continue to retreat deeper into the tower. Jiang Cheng watched them go with a sea-sick feeling in his stomach, the kind you get when you whether through stormy waters- satisfied and proud you’ve managed but sick and unsteady now that you’re finished. It seems fitting that one’s teenage years would be representative of a storm at sea. 

Jin Ling threw one more look over his shoulder to where Jiang Cheng was still standing and stuck his tongue out before grabbings his friends under the arms and darting around a corner. 

Jiang Cheng scowled and the mixed emotions roiling in his gut dissipated like a cloud. 

_ I’ve been spending too much time with the Lan’s, I’m starting to get sentimental. _

The memory of Lan Xichen’s bell-like laughter and kind eyes flashed in Jiang Cheng’s mind. Lan Xichen backed by sunlight, Lan Xichen undone and soft in the hanshi, Lan Xichen’s wide eyes and parted mouth while Jiang Cheng fed him lotus pod seeds and almost did something else. Jiang Cheng startles out of his dangerous line of thought, cheeks warm.

Sentimentality, it seemed, was an inevitability. 

Jiang Cheng wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that.

The following days passed in a blur of meetings, supervising the arrival of goods and decorations and the types of arguments and spats that could be expected for the preparation of an event organized by four teenagers and their hot-headed guardian. 

But in all fairness the process had been rather smooth, the juniors operated well together and though disagreements are to be expected it was certainly a blessing that the kids were all so similar minded despite their dissimilar personalities.

With the level-headedness of Lan Sizhui keeping Lan Jinyi’s and Ouyang Zizhen’s more outrageous ideas in check and Jin Ling’s determination to make his sect- and more laboriously his uncle- proud it was easy for the elders to advise from a distance.

That’s not to say that Jiang Cheng wasn’t thoroughly kept busy with preparations and making up for unavoidable shortcomings that result from any important event. In fact Jiang Cheng was all in all quite tired of the hustle of rushing servants and seemingly endless meetings with Sect elders offering petitions that needed to be settled before the four days set aside for the arrival and discussions with other sects. 

All in all, it had been an exhausting last few days and if it wasn’t for the fact that guests were arriving today, Jiang Cheng would probably have bartered away part of his soul for a few more hours of sleep.

Unfortunately, that was a luxury he could not afford this morning and Jiang Cheng rose blearily with the sun.

He hurried through breakfast and early morning meditations with the barely contained urgency of someone with much to do and very little time to do it in.

Still, it was an important day bringing with it a noteworthy occasion and Jiang Cheng could spare a few moments to make sure he was dressed accordingly. He pulled on his white undershirt and lavender-lined black inner robe, taking extra care to lay his collars flat. The next layer was a hanfu, heavier and less versatile than his typical wear, it was a royal purple lined and detailed conspicuously with gold trim. He belted it with his usual cinture but changed the sash to the same lavender of his inner robe with a yellow jade clap. He was representing both the Jiang’s and the Jin’s after all.

He braided his hair with his usual efficiency, pulling his hair up in what would be his typical styling before deciding against it and letting half his hair drop to his back. He tied the remaining locks into their customary knot and wrapped the braids around the chignon before securing them with the pins and clips of a golden hairpiece shaped like a lotus bloom. After a few more moments of deliberation, he opted to leave his bangs to loosely frame his face, grabbed Sandu, and left his room.

When he entered the main meeting room it seemed that the elder council had simply been waiting for his arrival in order to dump last-minute entreaties and discussion conference preparations into his lap.

“If these petitions were not important enough to bring up before now then they will wait another four days, focus on the discussion conference!” He snapped.

The rest of the morning was filled with last-minute checks and double-checks. The food for the pre-discussion banquet was in the midst of being prepared, the cooks all swirling about the kitchens with utensils and talismans to prepare food and boil water. Next, was the courtyards and the gardens, all of which had been swept clear of debris, and the bushes were primly trimmed. Lanling Jin was still a bit unsteady, as such the discussion conference wasn’t hosting a grand contest or hunt, but their fields and arenas would be open for practicing regardless. Their last stop was the main hall, where they would primarily be hosting the discussions and banquet. Everything was decorated with whites and golds, from drapery to paper lanterns lining the walls and pillars. The tables were set in preparation for dishes and after stealing a look at the seating arrangements Jiang Cheng was pleased to note that his and Lan Xichen’s placements were next to one another.

The thundering sound of steps echoed suddenly throughout the hall and Jiang Cheng turned just in time to watch Jin Ling skid into the room, hair all in disarray as he fumbled with one of his most complicated hairpieces. 

“Jiujiu!” 

“Where have you been?” Jiang Cheng demanded as soon as Jin Ling was within more reasonable earshot. “The guests you’re supposed to be hosting will arrive in little more than an incense stick worth of time and you look like you’ve just woken up! You’re lucky I haven’t left you to embarrass yourself, or better yet break your legs!”

Jin Ling huffed with the confidence of someone who's heard it all before- and to be fair, he had- before shuffling closer after Jiang Cheng motioned him over.

Jiang Cheng’s hands were contrastingly gentle compared to his continued grumbling as he carefully untangled the crown from Jin Ling’s ponytail before smoothing his hair back into place and securing the pins and combs in their proper positions. He even remained still as Jiang Cheng took a section from his bound hair and proceeded to braid it with quick and efficient movements that stemmed from years of practice, all the while still griping. 

But as soon as Jiang Cheng’s hands pulled back from his nephew's second secured braid Jin Ling whirled in the circle of his uncle's arms, a pout on his face. “I worked hard to make sure everything goes smoothly too!” He complained. “No one asked for your help! Hmph.”

“You-!” 

Jin Ling turned on his heel and crossed his arms, but the slump of his shoulders was unmistakable.

Jiang Cheng huffed with something like begrudging affection and settled a hand on his nephew's head for a moment. “You’ve done well.”

He was already walking down the hall long before his words seemed to jostle Jin Ling out of his sulking. His nephew was staring at him with barely continued surprise and delight when Jiang Cheng stopped to glance over his shoulder. 

“Hurry up! I’m not taking care of everything while you slack off, the least you can do is greet the Sect contingents when they arrive!”

Jin Ling was smiling widely when he hurried to his uncle's side calling out, “Who needs you too?!”

\------------

The first to arrive was surprisingly the Nie assembly. It seemed despite Nie Huaisang’s intentions to remain self-interested he had not grown out of his penchant for gossip. The pleasantries had barely finished before Nie Huaisang waved his fan to indicate his attendants could do as they pleased before sidling up to Jiang Cheng’s side.

He seemed content to remain silent until addressed, and he seemed to know Jiang Cheng well enough to know it would work.

“What?” Jiang Cheng grunted.

Nie Huaisang’s smile was too wide to be anything but knowing, even as he tried to blink wide innocent eyes up at his friend. 

“Why Jiang-Xiong, aren’t I allowed to come keep my dear childhood friend company?”

A noncommittal grunt was his only response and Nie Huaisang’s fan snapped open with the ease of something well-loved and Jiang Cheng could feel his companions eyes rove over him appraisingly. “You’re looking quite well kept today A-Cheng. Any particular reason?” 

There was a pause in the needling as Sect Leader Yao and Ouyang were announced and pleasantries were exchanged. Jiang Cheng allowed himself a small twitching of lips as he spotted his nephew acting as he’d coached him before he schooled his expression with the reminder that the reigning king of gossip stood at his hip.

“Appearances are important.” He replied curtly. 

Nie Huaisang hid a cheshire smile behind his fan. “And when has that ever mattered to you?”

Jiang Cheng scowled in reply and Nie Huaisang closed his fan with a snap, tapping him familiarly on the arm with the end of it like he would do when they were teenagers.

“Now there’s no need for that. I’ve merely heard you’ve been spending quite a bit of time at the Cloud Recesses and thought perhaps some new acquaintances may have something to do with your sudden interest in decorum.”

“They were purely business and Sect oriented trips. So I have no idea what you’re trying to imply.” Jiang Cheng hissed, more embarrassed at having his business known than truly angry at one of his closest confidants. Despite, everything.

“Oh certainly.” Nie Huaisang all but purred into the paint of his fan. “I can’t imagine the importance of the business to be conducted if it called for the direct attention of both Sect Leaders.”

Jiang Cheng’s face heated in mortification and Zidian warmed his palm where he’d clenched his hands into fists. “Don't you have someone else to manipulate?” He snapped.

Nie Huaisang didn't seem offended, if anything he seemed satisfied, as if he’d gotten an answer he’d wanted. He smiled serenely before replying. “Of course.” And disappeared into the hall.

Jiang Cheng watched him go with a well of bottled-up emotions tumbling in his stomach. He sighed, swallowing his conflict and turning his eyes to the sky only to have a new emotion tumbling up his throat.

It seemed that the Lan delegation had arrived.

Lan Xichen headed the assembly with all the grace and poise the Lan clan attempted to exemplify and a smile that could charm the thorns off a rose. His inner robe was white and the secondary, light blue. His hanfu was ornate, patterned with layers of embroidered clouds of silver and white thread over the dark blue of ocean waves. It was belted with a sash the same light blue of his inner robe and his outer robe also had the same blue but it peaked out underneath a layer of delicate white lace. Both his jade pendant and Jiang bell swung tantalizingly from his waist and though Jiang Cheng had also chosen to wear both as a sign of solidarity, seeing his sect’s motif on Lan Xichen’s belt made Jiang Cheng’s mouth dry out. 

Jiang Cheng didn’t even know it was possible to be so stupid with emotion, and then Lan Xichen looked at him with something indescribable that had the blood in Jiang Cheng’s veins run hot.

Bows and formalities were exchanged with Jiang Cheng lowering his head only a second later than everyone else had, mind reeling. And it was only after everyone was dispersing that Jiang Cheng even realized that Lan Wangji had accompanied his brother, mostly he noticed because Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi hurried over to greet him while-  _ holy shit Lan Xichen’s coming this way. _

He was nearly vibrating as Lan Xichen stepped past the 6-foot radius everyone else seemed to give the temperamental Jiang Sect Leader and into Jiang Cheng’s personal space. 

Neither said anything for the first few moments, complacent in taking in the view of each other after quite a few months of long nights, few letters, and not seeing one another.

Lan Xichen seemed pleased, eyes creased at the corners and Jiang Cheng managed a lopsided but genuine smile in response, resulting in someone- probably Jingyi- choking in the distance.

“Sect Leader Lan-” “Jiang Wanyin-” Both began.

Jiang Cheng blinked, surprised, and Lan Xichen’s soft bell-like laughter filled the air around him, even as he tried to stifle it behind his sleeve. Jiang Cheng swayed imperceptibly forward, drawn in by the sound.

Suddenly Lan Wangji appeared in Jiang Cheng’s peripheral and Jiang Cheng resisted the urge to fling himself bodily backward, barely biting back a curse.

“Jiang-Zongzhu.” He intoned, somehow managing to sound indifferent and smug at once. 

“Lan er-gongzi.” Jiang Cheng grumbled on instinct.

Lan Wangji blinked as if surprised by Jiang Cheng’s lack of hostility and usual amount of disrespect. He then turned to his brother, “Xiongzhang.” 

Undisturbed by Lan Wangji’s sudden appearance Lan Xichen smiled. “I will meet you inside later.” 

Seemingly placated, Lan Wangji nodded and went into the banquet hall with the two juniors close on his heels.

“I’m surprised to see Lan Wangji here.” Jiang Cheng couldn't help but note once he’d disappeared. “He’s never been interested in these things and now a married man I can’t imagine he wants to be away at events like these.” 

Lan Xichen hummed pleasantly in response, turning his eyes back to Jiang Cheng, “Shufu believed it important now that Wangji is back from his elopement that he reacquainted himself with the current state of Sect politics.”

Jiang Cheng snorted, “He should have just stayed gone then.” A pause and then, “Ugh, wait that came out wrong. I just mean sect alliances never mattered to him even when we were kids, I just can't imagine this being something he finds an interest in.” 

Lan Xichen watched Jiang Cheng trip lamely over his own tongue for a few more moments before finally taking pity on him and brushing a warm hand on his lower back. If anything the action only quieted the bumbling Jiang Sect Leader because the sudden rush of blood into his cheeks and out of his head left him dizzy.

“I understand what you mean.” Lan Xichen murmured, looking back to where his brother had disappeared into the tower. “I can’t believe that Wangji finds the work  _ enjoyable _ but he finds peace in routine and helping others. Having the resources available to him through our heritage helps make his aspirations that much easier than to be a rogue cultivator. That and he’s made it clear to Shufu he does not intend to be idle in the Cloud Recesses and will be coming and going to take cases personally in order to travel.”

Jiang Cheng sniffed, biting back something similar to jealousy that was attempting to crawl up his spine. “Lotus Pier opens its doors, if he finds himself far from home late at night.”

There was a pregnant pause before Lan Xichen’s wide eyes caught Jiang Cheng’s from where they darted uncertainly in his general direction, not settling on anything for too long. “You do not have to offer your residence based only on our association.” He insisted. “Wangji travels well supplied, I’m sure the inns in Yunmeng would be more than sufficient.”

“Of course they would be, but that’s not the point. Is my extension of goodwill so strange?” Jiang Cheng demanded. 

Lan Xichen could see his bluff and smiled sweetly. “And if Wei Wuxian is accompanying him?”

“Then so be it! I’m not his keeper, he can go where he pleases.”

The hand returns to his lower back- firmer this time- and Jiang Cheng nearly choked. Hiding his flushed skin behind a scowl.

Lan Xichen only smiled, “I shall extend your generous offer to my brother.”

There was a grunt of affirmation and not much else.

It seemed that the influx of clan leaders and disciples had been steadily flowing into the tower during Lan Xichen’s and Jiang Cheng’s reacquaintance- many of which had been cleverly misdirected by the meddling juniors in order to give the men some form of alone time. However, it was obvious that the banquet would be starting soon and even Jin Ling had vanished from his post where he’d been greeting the guests, leaving the directions to any stragglers to the guards so he could properly begin the event. 

“I suppose we should be going in.” Jiang Cheng coughed like the most awkward teenager in the world. 

Lan Xichen’s hand was still burning a hole through his multiple layers. 

“That would be proper.” Lan Xichen gravely remarked.

Neither made a move to step away, neither looked away. There’s something smoldering in the irises of Lan Xichen’s eyes that lights an inferno and sent it racing up Jiang Cheng’s spine.

And then he  _ gets _ it. 

A bit of a smirk widens Jiang Cheng’s lips and he narrows his eyes. “Lan Xichen, are you wanting to be escorted to your table?” 

Twin patches of color appeared high on Lan Xichen’s cheeks but his eyes tapered to happy crescents. “Are you offering?”

Jiang Cheng shrugged in what he tries to convey is nonchalance. “I may be.” He then gestured forward with a playful flourish. “After you.”

Lan Xichen laughed, pleased. “What a gentleman.”

“There’s nothing gentle about me.” Jiang Cheng huffs. 

The smile Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng could only be described as fond, and if Jiang Cheng was a more conceited man he’d almost say Lan Xichen looked  _ smitten. _

“You’re kind with me.” 

“I yell at you.” 

“Only when necessary.” 

This startled a laugh out of Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen smiled, delighted.

“I’ve never known someone to appreciate being berated.”

Lan Xichen hummed, “We all need to be reminded of common sense from time to time. You are straightforward and truthful in a way many aren’t.”

Jiang Cheng flinched, “Not many people would say that’s a good thing.” He grunted. 

A soft hand squeezed his bicep, halting him outside, just before they could enter the banquet hall. But when Jiang Cheng refused to look at his companion, a hand lightly brushed his cheek, causing Jiang Cheng to startle. 

Lan Xichen gently turned Jiang Cheng’s face towards him- with little resistance- and gently cupped his face until Jiang Cheng’s eyes finally met his own. 

“I say it’s a good thing. If that is of some significance to you.” Lan Xichen murmured. 

Jiang Cheng deflated and gently pressed his cheek- now warmed by a delicate flush- into Lan Xichen’s open palm. “Your thoughts are some of the few that matter to me.” Jiang Cheng sighed.

Lan Xichen hummed once more, satisfied with the response. “I’m glad. After all, I would not know what to do if you suddenly cared about what others thought of you.”

Jiang Cheng snorted, bemused. “Would it be so bad if I did?” 

“No,” Lan Xichen responded immediately. “But your confidence in your ability and identity, as well as your outspoken beliefs, are one of the many things I admire about you.” 

Jiang Cheng choked, his face where it was still pressed into Lan Xichen’s hand running hot as color appeared high on Jiang Cheng’s cheeks.

Lan Xichen watched the color bloom under his fingers with an enthralled fascination even as Jiang Cheng sputtered with obvious fluster.

“Cute.” 

It was only a single word, spoken so low- almost a sigh truly- that had they not been so close it could have easily been missed. Instead, Jiang Cheng froze.

“What?” He croaked.

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

_ “Lan Xichen!” _

“Yes?” 

Jiang Cheng made a noise reminiscent of steam escaping from a teapot. “I- you- You can’t just  _ say _ that.” 

“But it’s the truth.” 

Jiang Cheng groaned into his cupped hands, more than just moderately embarrassed. “Get inside the hall before I break your legs.”

Lan Xichen attempted to school his expression into one of rejection but the sparkle in his eyes couldn’t be anything other than mischievous. “But I’ve been promised an escort.” 

“You’ve lost that privilege!” Jiang Cheng hisses, flushed down to his neck.

Lan Xichen’s face was unfairly serene compared to the resulting rise of Jiang Cheng’s blood pressure. He only smiled blindingly and squeezed Jiang Cheng’s bicep once more- which does  _ nothing _ to ease the Jiang Sect’s Leaders flustered countenance- instead, he looks even more smug than any self-respecting Lan  _ should _ . He left then, walking into the banquet hall with an effortless grace as if he didn’t just leave Jiang Cheng outside with weakened legs and a racing pulse.

Jiang Cheng watched him go and once he was out of sight scrubbed a hand over his burning face. 

_ This was going to be a long four days.  _

\------------

All things considered, the beginning of the conference went well. 

Not that Jiang Cheng could say he expected things to go wrong, but when your nephew is the host of an auspicious event and the Sect organizing said event is still recovering from the horrible actions and reputation of Jin Guangyao and Jin Guangshan  _ and _ everyone attending the event is several decades his senior you tend to plan for the worst.

So again, all things considered, the banquet goes quite smoothly. Jiang Cheng is situated quite close at Jin Ling’s right with the Lan’s to their left with the Nie’s directly across from the Jiang’s. Sect Leader Yao and Ouyang are nearby as well, being loud as is typical somewhere to the far left.

Lan Xichen, contrary to his earlier teasing, was on his best behavior. He smiled politely and made up for the small talk he had missed prior to the feast beginning and smiled indulgently- if a bit tensely- as he let a more and more inebriated Sect Leader Yao talk at him. Jiang Cheng considered stepping in but from the shy smiles, he was slipped throughout the duration of the banquet he figured they’d have more time to catch up later.

There was a moment that had Jiang Cheng worried when Nie Huaisang made a toast to Jin Ling and Lan Xichen ever so slightly flinched at the sound of his voice. Lan Xichen had confided in Jiang Cheng he still had many mixed feelings about the heir of the Nie clan and his manipulation of them all, a sentiment many of them seemed to share. Still, he lifted his cup with all the poise and elegance of his station and met Nie Huaisang’s worried glances with steel in his eyes.

An expression that sent a red hot shiver through Jiang Cheng and a feeling to be explored at a later time.

Still, Jiang Cheng snuck a worried glance to make sure Lan Xichen wasn’t just trying to save face by acting tough and actually met Lan Wangji’s eye over the elder Lan’s shoulder.

It seemed they both had the same idea.

Jiang Cheng met his careful neutrality with a low simmer glower. Lan Wangji, as expected, did not rise to the bait. Instead, he managed to catch his brothers' eyes where they had some kind of silent Lan to Lan telepathic communication before he looked forward again apparently satisfied. 

At that point, Lan Xichen turned his gaze to Jiang Cheng, a small secret smile on his lips. Apparently somehow within the minimal eyebrow movement, Lan Wangji couldn’t be bothered to save him some face and had ratted him out.

Lan Xichen’s head dipped in an indication that he was indeed alright and Jiang Cheng jerked his head in a terse nod of acknowledgment.

Other than that the event had been organized, pleasant, and well done. Jin Ling made his addresses with the confidence of his father but the political decorum of his mother. They’d drafted, written and practiced the speech well into the hours of the morning and Jiang Cheng could easily say he knew it by heart as well. But to see it delivered and received so well made Jiang Cheng preen as if he was the speaker. 

After the formalities and scheduling for the next day were decided everyone was essentially dismissed to retire to their rooms or continue to socialize as they pleased. 

Almost as soon as Jin Ling ended the formal activities of the night he hopped down from his overgrown throne and was immediately swarmed by his three friends.

Meanwhile, Lan Wangji turned to Lan Xichen and bowed before turning to most likely retire to his guest quarters.

A huff escaped Jiang Cheng, “I see that despite being instructed to attend in order to get reacquainted with sect politics Lan Wangji is still determined to avoid them.”

“Understanding the current state of affairs in his absence is important and my uncle did refer him here to obtain comprehension of political affairs- but he never specified if it was through speaking to others or reading reports in the privacy of one's room that this information be obtained.”

Jiang Cheng laughed, loud enough to gather a bit of attention. “Sect Leader Lan you continue to surprise me! Not much of a follower of your clan's rules in your old age?” 

Lan Xichen smiled brightly before rising to his feet in one unfairly smooth motion and started making his way out of the banquet hall leaving Jiang Cheng scrambling to follow. “Have you ever known me to be so rigid?” 

There's a hum and some consideration before Jiang Cheng shrugs, falling easily into step with the First Jade of Lan. “I suppose not. But people can hide things, portions, and pieces of themselves behind masks. How do I know the you _I_ know to be true?” 

The question is meant to come off more playful and facetious than one worthy of reflection, and though Lan Xichen seems to know this he takes his time answering regardless. They’ve been walking for a bit of time and are nearing the gardens when he finally answers. “I can tell you that the only time I’ve hid in front of you was when you first started coming to the Hanshi. Overtime you proved that my defenses were unnecessary but there’s no exact way I can prove myself to you otherwise. I like to believe your trust is a gift I’ve been given but the answer you are looking for is something that can only be found within yourself.” 

They pause then, amongst the sparks amidst snow, pinked by the warm glow of nearby lanterns. Lan Xichen himself seems flushed by the soft light as well, the backdrop of the moon reflected on him from behind, and had it not been for the lanterns surely he would encompass all the title “jade of lan” entailed; ethereal, cold, untouchable and distant, touched only by the light of the moon else he be sullied by human hands.

But here, hidden amongst the peonies, caressed by the honeyed glimmer of the torches, Lan Xichen is warm and real and human.

Here, with Jiang Cheng he doesn’t have to be Sect Leader Lan, or the First Jade, he is merely Lan Xichen, Lan  _ Huan _ and he knows that, knows that in Jiang Cheng’s presence he doesn’t have to be more than himself. He  _ trusts _ Jiang Cheng with himself, the way that he is, after all, he’s been through and Jiang Cheng is suddenly consumed with the raw and gnawing urge to reach out and  _ touch. _

Dangerously, intensely overcome Jiang Cheng reaches out and snaps a branch off a peony bush, the branch has two blooming flowers and a bud on it. Somewhere in the back of his mind he is mortifyingly remembering that while peonies are a symbol of bravery, honor, and good fortune,  _ white _ peonies are symbolic of bashfulness.

But rather than focusing on the humiliating idea that Lan Xichen, as knowledgeable and well learned as he is, probably  _ knows _ the sparks amidst snow’s double meaning Jiang Cheng tucks the flowers behind Lan Xichen’s ear.

“You are one of the few truths I hold to in this world.” Jiang Cheng half sighs, half wheezes, as he comes to the sudden realization of how truly  _ romantic  _ and by association  _ embarrassing _ this all is. He can feel himself flush down to the cradle of his hips and he wants nothing more than to run and throw himself into a river but he started this conversation and what kind of a man would he be if he couldn’t look Lan Xichen in the eye and finish it, goddamnit. This is his truth, and Lan Xichen deserves to hear a response even if his own brazzeness has made Jiang Cheng want to crawl into a hole and seal himself inside. 

To his credit, Lan Xichen only freezes for a brief moment when Jiang Cheng’s fingers gently graze the outward curve of his ear before they pull away, but then he is smiling, full and wider than Jiang Cheng has ever seen. There was a charming pink that dusts the apples of his cheeks and even though Jiang Cheng was certain he himself was flushed darker than wedding day crimson, somehow he couldn’t help but feel the embarrassment was worth it. 

“Jiang Wanyin…”

“Lan Xichen…”

But of course, they couldn’t remain in their own private bubble forever, and right as Lan Xichen took a step closer and Jiang Cheng had swayed ever so slightly to meet him, laughter broke the stillness surrounding them. 

They both jumped apart like teenagers that had been caught doing more than, whatever they were  _ not _ doing, and as they both stared at one another with flushed faces and heaving chests they simultaneously came to the same realization. That they were outside, in the Jinlin Tai gardens where  _ anyone _ could stumble upon them at  _ any goddamn time  _ because there were many cultivators who had all gathered for a discussion conference at this very same location.

Jiang Cheng’s face was surely aflame at this point and even Lan Xichen looked quite a bit abashed.

They remained still for a few moments, waiting, listening and when no scandalized cries came Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng shared a look.

With Jiang Cheng leading the way they fell into step and walked out around the corner of the bushes and onto a well lit pavilion pathway under the guise of taking a moonlit stroll before bed. 

The owner of the laughter that disturbed them was walking towards them along with three others. 

Lan Jingyi seemed to be in the midst of telling a story he found particularly funny, laughing and giggling between bouts of information with an arm slung over Lan Sizhui and Ouyang Zizhen with Jin Ling leading the procession.

The kids quieted a bit when they saw who was approaching, bowing politely and mumbling their greetings when they were within the appropriate distance.

When Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng straightened Lan Xichen smiled appreciatively at Jin Ling. “Sect Leader Jin, you should wear your new title proudly. The banquet was quite lovely and I find myself glad to have this as my first discussion conference after leaving my seclusion.”

Jin Ling’s cheeks flushed with happiness and he bowed enthusiastically, “Thank you Zewu-jun! Although… it was many people's hard work as well. I can’t take all the credit.” 

The response just made Lan Xichen’s smile widen and he half turned to give Jiang Cheng a fond look. “All the more reason for praise, your manner and humility are admirable. I’m sure you make your uncle very proud.”

Jing Ling turned his wide hopeful eyes to Jiang Cheng as well as the curious eyes of the other teens and the mischievous look in Lan Xichen’s. Jiang Cheng scowled at Lan Xichen and crossed his arms, purposely bumping their shoulders as he did so. 

“I would hope so! He’s  _ my _ nephew after all.” Jiang Cheng grumbled. 

If it was possible for Jin Ling’s smile to grow any more than it certainly would have, but instead he seemed to remember himself and huffed with a self-assured “of course”.

“Anyway,” Jiang Cheng hummed, “It’s almost Sect Leader Lan’s bedtime so it's about time I finish this tour. Don’t drink yourselves to death tonight and end up late for tomorrow's discussion or all four of you will end up with a leg broken.” The kids' resulting groans and Lan Xichen’s soft laugh made Jiang Cheng round on the other man, “You’re not exempt from that either.” 

Lan Xichen turned fully towards Jiang Cheng, “I wouldn’t expect so.” 

“Uhm, Sect Leader Lan,” Ouyang Zizhen suddenly called, eyes wide. “There’s something in your hair.”

Any face either Sect Leader had managed to save themselves dissolved as all attention was brought to the peonies still tucked delicately behind Lan Xichen’s blushing ear. 

It was blatantly obvious to all gathered that tucking a flower in his hair is not something Lan Xichen had ever done or would probably do on his own, but the only other option- which was even  _ more _ outrageous- was that someone else had, the only other person  _ with _ him when they appeared from  _ within the gardens.  _

“ _ Anyway _ it’s getting late so we should be going, it’s a ways away from the guest quarters. Be there bright and early or there will be  _ dire _ consequences!” Jiang Cheng roars, hoping his red face could be explained away as anger rather than humiliation.

Then without waiting Jiang Cheng snagged Lan Xichen’s wrist and hauled the other man down the hall and away from the gaggle of wide-eyed and gaping teenagers. The only way this could have been more embarrassing was if it was Nie Huaisang who’d happened upon them.

He dragged Lan Xichen all the way to the guest chambers without a complaint, his face still burning. The times he’d glanced back at his complacent hostage, Lan Xichen- though he’d been a bit shocked in the moment- didn’t seem particularly ashamed. Bashful perhaps but not embarrassed. He smiled pleasantly when Jiang Cheng looked at him, and he hadn’t taken the flowers from his hair so it was good to know he didn’t hate the gesture.

They arrived at the guest chambers of the Lan’s not long after and Jiang Cheng turned to look back at Lan Xichen, a bit lost if he was being honest. Lan Xichen just blinked placidly back at him, seeming to feel the same.

But despite the embarrassment of what had just transpired, in the low-lit alcove in front of the private chambers of the Lan Sect Leader within Jinlin Tai, the enormity of what Jiang Cheng had said to Lan Xichen before they had been interrupted settled heavily between them.

To admit that in a world where Jiang Cheng has been plagued by loss, ruin, and broken promises, that he trusted Lan Xichen like an inevitably- that, that he believed Lan Xichen to remain with him. When so many hadn’t. The words were like raw and scraping wounds, as if Jiang Cheng had coughed his bleeding heart into his open palms and presented it to Lan Xichen, leaving him tender and fragile in the aftermath.

He hated feeling so weak, so  _ seen _ , but Lan Xichen had never fallen for the front he put up, had he. 

Lan Xichen had always seen past it, seen through it all, into the broken man who had little to nothing left in the aftermath of so much, had seen him, accepted him, and decided to stand with him. 

In calling Lan Xichen his truth Jiang Cheng had essentially acknowledged that no matter the circumstances or the distance he trusted in Lan Xichen as something true and real and constant, that he acquiesces the presence of Lan Xichen in his life now, and into the future, as fact

The dawning realization that Jiang Cheng considered Lan Xichen as someone he expected would remain a consistent part of his life was something he’d yet to come to terms with within himself. And the fact that he’d bared this discovery to the owner of said affections before he’d even had the chance to realize the depth of said emotions left Jiang Cheng unsteady and embarrassed in a way he hadn’t been before his entire world had been ripped out from under him.

But he’d been so foolish, so  _ conceded  _ to unleash this torrent onto an unsuspecting Lan Xichen with no prior knowledge that such a burden would be received well. Especially if Jiang Cheng had never even acknowledged such things before he’d spoken them into the silence of the sparks amidst snow. 

It was certain that they meant much to one another, that was clear, and though some lines had almost been crossed physical attraction and easy companionship didn’t need to carry the implications Jiang Cheng had set loose.

Growing more and more mortified by the second, the silence stretched as Jiang Cheng ruminated on his own lack of inhibitions while Lan Xichen allowed him the peace to organize his thoughts, opting instead to watch the waning of the moon. 

Jiang Cheng’s face was pinched in a way that looked painful, and he was so agitated and distracted that it wasn’t until two warm hands cupped the clenched fist of his right hand that he registered Lan Xichen had closed the distance between them.

He gently unfolded Jiang Cheng’s hand and Jiang Cheng could feel the soft, cool sensation of Lan Xichen’s spiritual energy curling around the bloody crescents he’d dug into the meat of his palm.

“Jiang Wanyin,” Lan Xichen began, keeping his eyes lowered toward the hand he was gripping, “I know you are thinking about what was said earlier, and I won’t deny it had occupied my thoughts as well.” Jiang Cheng stiffened, but Lan Xichen continued regardless. “It seems you are conflicted about what you’ve shared tonight, and I understand your discomfort. But if you allow me this selfishness, I find myself delighted by your admission. The fact that you hold me in such high esteem, I find thrilling, and I intend to try to live up to the gift of your faith in me.”

Lan Xichen lifted his head then, and by the expression on his face, Jiang Cheng suddenly realized he wasn’t the only one here that was nervous.

“There was a time where the absence of my sworn brothers left me feeling as though I would never be able to forge such a bond with another again. In, any sense. I found myself in the middle of several plots, a pawn with little to no importance other than being manipulated for others' cruel deeds. It was not easy, to be the balancing scale between Nie Mingjue’s temper and what I thought were A-Yao's good intentions, and again to tip the scales in Nie Huaisang’s favor in his plot for revenge. I was often an outside mediator more than my own person in such instances, but now I find that if I am meant to be the scale I want you to be my balance.”

Jiang Cheng was certain he was clutching Lan Xichen’s hand so tightly it hurt but the man plowed forward with a determination that made Jiang Cheng flush down to his neck.

“I trust that you will do as you always have, and when my burdens are too much to bear you will be at my side to even the load and that when I overbalance you will set me right again. As you’ve done when I have entered seclusion, been overcome with grief or unbalanced by others, with this I put my faith in you. If I am as you say I am, one of your most trusted companions and a favorable confidant I hope you will indulge me with the same, and perhaps, when the conference is over we can discuss this matter further, when there is less to oversee.”

Jiang Cheng’s mind was aswoon, _Discuss what? Sworn brotherhood? A platonic companionship, a_ ** _romantic_** _one??!_

“Are you sure you want me to be the one you trust with yourself?” Jiang Cheng croaked after catching the breath he’d lost. 

“It’s a bit late not to.” Lan Xichen chuckled. “But I can think of no one more suitable.”

“What if you’re mistaken?”

“I’m not.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it’s you.”

A harsh exhale that sounded more like a hiss escapes Jiang Cheng and his hand goes limp in Lan Xichen’s hold as he scrubbed a hand roughly over his own face. “Fine, fine.” He growled. “After the conference, meet me in the garden.” 

Lan Xichen’s expression morphed from surprise to delight. “I will.”

Jiang Cheng nodded tightly, shoulders stiff and expression rigid and awkward as he bid Lan Xichen goodnight and all but ran to his chambers on the other side of the tower, face hot. 

_ A long few days indeed. _

Discussions were slow going the next few days, as were most things of importance in the cultivation world. The Leaders of smaller Sects were more interested in maintaining the little wealth they had in order to grow to be able to obtain more and the larger Sects were unwilling to address any matters that were morally challenging. 

Ideas and ideals always came to a head over these sorts of meetings and oftentimes the lack of progress made to remove sect corruption was disheartening.

But that isn’t to say no progress is made. It seemed that Lan Xichen’s return to the cultivation world was a balm that many didn’t know was needed and he addressed issues and presented ideas with an ease that made many more receptive than Nie Huaisang’s fettering and Jiang Cheng’s gruff berating. He managed to bring many ideas to the table that would have never been considered otherwise and his placating smiles and effortless manner tamed many a temper. 

Together he and Jiang Cheng brought forth the problems and petition of Wan Kang and his people. Jiang Cheng recounted what had transpired in Yunmeng- keeping out the details of his injury and Lan Xichen’s short return to seclusion- with efficiency and did little to hide his anger and disappointment from the Wu Sect when criticizing them in allowing their greed to spread problems all the way to his doorstep.

The Wu Sect Leader’s unattractive and podgy face was nearly purple with rage by the time Jiang Cheng had finished his account, and when he looked as though he was preparing to jump to his feet in his own defense Lan Xichen stepped in. He smiled sharply and explained how the Lan Clan and Yunmeng Jiang’s had already extended their services to the bereft villagers so he need not be upset for their sake. Insisting that he was quite confident that the Wu Sect being so angered was a sign of their graciousness that such injustice was missed by them and that he was sure that “they would not be so careless again.” Even going so far as recommending they check the other villages in their territory as well, to be certain nothing was amiss. 

By the time Lan Xichen had finished addressing him, the Wu Sect Leader had surely sweat through three layers and his face had gone from purple to pale to green and was nodding that ‘of  _ course _ it would be their honor to extend their aid to any and all villages within their borders.

Meanwhile, the idea that Lan Xichen had managed to scare the man into submission with little more than a look and vaguely concealed threats made Jiang Cheng feel some kind of way but  _ now was not the time. _

Thankfully at that moment Sect Leader Yao had decided it was about time to make his presence known- as if he wasn’t always the loudest one in the room- and whatever kind of way Jiang Cheng was feeling died out before it could make itself known and the topic changed.

On the second day, Nie Huaisang brought up the idea of dissolving the position of Chief Cultivator.

The idea of course caused a massive uproar, and though many insisted if Nie Huaisang was so disinterested in being his excellency there were a great many others who would take the position. However, Nie Huaisang stood firm in his convictions and insisted that the position was unnecessary and that no Sect member could truly be ambivalent and a neutral party because of their association as a member of a specific clan. Either they needed to have a Chief Cultivator who was not a part of a clan or none at all. 

Jiang Cheng had voiced his agreement- seconded by Jin Ling, citing all this misfortune that Chief Cultivators like Wen Rohan, Jin Guangshan, and Jin Guangyao had wrought and even if it had held well in the past, times were changing and they needed to change along with them. The position was too dangerous in a cultivation world suffused in corruption and the power that came with the title could easily go to one's head.

Lan Xichen had also stood to declare his approval, proposing a council of delegates, one from each clan, this way the smaller sects would have an equal voice to the larger ones. In that way, no one would be overcompensating to make themselves heard and therefore taking the attention away from actual issues that need to be addressed at important meetings such as these.

This seemed to appease the clamor for the time being, although there would be much more discussion needed and more concrete organizing over time, Nie Huaisang seemed pleased to have opened the doors for further deliberation.

Nights for Jiang Cheng were spent chaperoning his nephew and his friends around Lanling and quiet evenings reading reports in the company of Lan Xichen.

The chaos of the Lanling night vendors often helped quiet the ongoing havoc in Jiang Cheng’s own mind. Although he and Lan Xichen spend some time early in the morning or before nine pm in each other's presence they have not brought up whatever it was they were building towards. There were some times that Jiang Cheng caught Lan Xichen’s heated gaze over their paperwork and the smolder of his stare made Jiang Cheng flush hot in response. It seemed Lan Xichen was content to wait for Jiang Cheng to address the change first but the more he explored the intensity of his own feelings within the cracks of his ceiling late into the night, the more out of depth he felt. He could only hope he’d built up the courage to explain himself when the time came.

But of course, the time came too soon and Jiang Cheng found himself nearly vibrating out of his seat as each Sect Leader made their final addresses and Jin Ling formally ended the conference, inviting everyone to stay another night or leave as they pleased.

Thankfully Lan Xichen seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with Sect Leader Ouyang and therefore occupied for the time being so Jiang Cheng didn’t immediately start making his way to the gardens. Instead, he started to make his way across the room to where his nephew seemed to be discussing something with Nie Huaisang when he was intercepted.

Sect Leader Han, a stately middle-aged man with a kind demeanour not unlike Jiang Fengmian stopped him before he could escape to the other end of the hall. 

“Jiang-Zongzhu.” He saluted. 

The Han Sect, though small, had grown a positive reputation for itself in a short amount of time. It stood near the Yunmeng border, in a piece of land that was once ruled by the Wen, and Sect Leader Han was well known for his endeavors to purify those lands once ravaged by the sunshot campaign.

“Han-Zongzhu.” Jiang Cheng returned. 

The man visibly brightened upon being addressed without formal introduction. “This one is honored to be recognized by you.” 

Something in the pleasantry with which he was being addressed rubbed Jiang Cheng the wrong way but seeing no reason at the moment to be rude Jiang Cheng merely inclined his head.

“You had decent ideas during the conference. There’s no reason I wouldn't take note of you when you spoke up.” 

Sect Leader Han’s smile widened and Jiang Cheng felt his hackles raise, and then he turned his attention to where Jin Ling was standing at the other side of the hall. “It was easier to participate than it has been in the past. Your nephew has grown into a fine man, you should be proud. I may even find myself enjoying discussion conferences hosted in Lanling for the first time in some time.” The man laughed and the sound was like fingernails on clay. 

“You don’t need to flatter me for something I was meant to do.” Jiang Cheng grunted, uneasy.

“Oh but I must! It takes a fine man to raise a fine man.” Han insisted.

Jiang Cheng could feel himself growing more and more wary of the conversation the longer it continued. “Then this one graciously accepts your praise.” He grits out. 

“No need, no need!” The man chuckled, either blatantly ignoring or completely oblivious to Jiang Cheng’s shift in mood. “After all, it is because you’re both such fine men that I have approached you this evening.

“On what grounds?”

“Well, my eldest daughter has reached marriageable age and of course she deserves the finest match! Now that Jin-gongzi has grown into a fine man, ready and able to lead his own Sect-”  _ Ah _ Jiang Cheng thinks, relieved  _ a marriage proposal for Jin Ling, he is coming of age now and I am his remaining guardian.  _ “-I thought it would be customary that you would be considering the future of your own Sect, now that Jin-gongzi no longer requires such a close eye or perennial guidance.” 

The world seemed to come to a screeching halt and Jiang Cheng blinked, once, twice, thrice. “Come again?” 

Somewhere in his peripheral vision Jiang Cheng sees the shifting of blue and white fabric and his head whips to the side, but Lan Xichen still seemed to be speaking to someone, oblivious to the life altering conversation being had just a few chi from him.

Meanwhile, Sect Leader Han carried on, still blissfully unawares. “I’m sure that you were waiting to be married until Jin-gongzi was properly cared for and ready to be on his own before preparing to have your own heir. My daughter Han Li would make a lovely wife Jiang-Zongzhu, she is quite a fan of yours and was so disappointed that she could not accompany me to this auspicious occasion and make your acquaintance. I assure you Jiang-Zongzhu you will never meet a more comely and demur maiden in all the Sects!”

“Han-Zongzhu,” Jiang Cheng finally interrupted after tearing his eyes away from trying to determine if Lan Xichen was indeed listening. “While I, appreciate your offer I am currently too busy to entertain finding a wife. What little time I have is precious and often overfull, I would not be able to make visits to matchmakers and court her properly. As such I will have to decline your gracious proposal.”

To his credit Sect Leader Han seemed to take the rejection in stride, “Forgive me for overstepping Jiang-Zongzhu. In all fairness, I had heard you had been spending a decent amount of time in Gusu and thought perhaps a maiden of the Lan Clan has already captured your interest.”

“There’s no such thing!” Jiang Cheng snapped before he could reign himself in. Sect Leader Han looked up, surprised by the aggression but Jiang Cheng wasn’t focused on him anymore. Instead, he stared out into the evening light that filtered in from the open hall doors as blue and white robes disappeared around a corner. “Excuse me.” 

Jiang Cheng pushed past a stunned Sect Leader Han and exited the hall, turning the corner he saw Lan Xichen slip behind he found the man standing at the edge of the staircase, looking pensive.

Jiang Cheng silently comes to stand by him, unnerved and yet unable to break the silence as it yawns between them like a chasm.

“He’s a good man.” Lan Xichen said after a time.

“Who?”

“Sect Leader Han. I’ve heard he is kind, considerate, and respectable. Han Li is said to be soft-spoken, gentle, and well learned, she would be a good match for you.”

Jiang Cheng could feel his heart seizing, could hear the cracks echoing in his silent mind. “You heard.”

“Did you accept?”

‘You  _ heard _ .” 

“ _ Did you accept?” _

“Of course I didn’t!” Jiang Cheng seethes.

“Why not?” 

The hollow feeling in the pit of Jiang Cheng’s stomach grows. “Why would I?!” He countered. 

“Because there is no one for you in the Cloud Recesses.” Lan Xichen says with a sigh, as though it is fact. “Is that not what you just said?” 

Lan Xichen finally turned to look at him then, and the expression made Jiang Cheng want to retch. He looked stricken, pale, and trembling as if physically ill, but at the same time closed off and distant in a way he never was. But there was still a glimmer of  _ something _ in his eyes, of fear, of pain and something else Jiang Cheng couldn’t put a name to.

“I- that’s not- I don’t want a  _ wife _ !” Jiang Cheng cried. 

Lan Xichen stared at him, “What do you want?”

Jiang Cheng opened his mouth to respond but found himself with hundreds of answers on his tongue and unable to articulate any of them. 

_ What  _ **_did_ ** _ he want? _

He’d come to know his feelings for Lan Xichen were complicated, layers upon layers upon layers, terrifying in their intensity. So much so they kept Jiang Cheng up at night unable to parse through them at all, and everytime he saw Lan Xichen, or met his eye or watched his lips part into a smile more emotions seemed to add to the pile.

_ What did he  _ **_want_ ** _? _

These emotions were a terrifying burden, both to hold onto and to receive, not to mention there were  _ so many _ . Jiang Cheng couldn’t find the ends of any of them, he didn’t know where one started and the next began, he had no idea what any of them meant or where to begin. The intensity of them, the weight of them was something Jiang Cheng had never known before, and that scared him. It kept him from exploring them, understanding them, and explaining them and as the silence stretched on and on Lan Xichen’s expression grew more and more pained while Jiang Cheng choked on affections he didn't know the significance of.

Finally, even Lan Xichen’s endless patience seemed to wear thin, He turned away and Jiang Cheng frantically reached out for him, “Wait, wait, please, Lan Huan-”

There was a flurry of motion and Lan Wangji was there, stopping his brother from turning back, and staring at Jiang Cheng with steel in his eyes. “Do not call him so familiarly. Xiongzhang, let us go.”

Lan Xichen seemed to deliberate for a long heartbreaking moment before nodding and allowing himself to be led away.

Jiang Cheng remained on the staircase long after darkness had fallen, in his chest was a gaping hole he had at some point attempted to fill with alcohol left in the empty hall. He wandered around the tower in a daze, little more than a spirit haunting the empty halls while the inhabitants slept.

Lan Xichen didn’t return to the garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few side notes on things that may be confusing  
> What it means when JC tells LXC he believes in him as a "truth in the world": I explained a bit what I mean by that but JC is basically admitting to LXC that he sees LXC as something that's "true" or by definition "fact." By saying that he's basically acknowledging LXC as a constant fixture in his life, something that no matter the circumstances will always be there and will always remain.
> 
> When LXC says he wants JC to be his "balance": LXC is essentially in his own way telling JC that he also sees him as something constant but in a different context. He's telling JC that by being by his side over the course of their time together that JC has basically been his "rock". That LXC can rely on him to be there and to support him when no one else can or in ways no one else can, and that he knows JC will always be there for him. 
> 
> Why JC freezes up at the end: (if you understand this or have your own interpretation of this or want to wait to see it explained in the next chapter feel free to not read this because I don't want to like, explain here and ruin your own theories and things but i know this part may be a bit confusing for some so WARNING) I tried to explain this a bit in the context of the story but I know it might be a bit confusing because JC acknowledges his feelings for LXC but at this point but he doesn't know where his feelings stem from and what context they're in. They are too intense for him to sort out and he's terrified that he feels this much for another person (like young LWJ) and as such he's not able to identify if they're romantic or platonic he only knows that there are m a n y. So even though he acknowledges earlier that he knows he's physically attracted to LXC that doesn't mean he is romantically and even though thats a road he considers their relationship can go his feelings intimidate him so much that hes still uncertain if the feelings he has are in fact romantic.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos feed my soul and I'd love to hear what you guys think! Thanks for reading!


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